This is very long and my head is all over the place so please bear with me. And I know how tempting it's going to be for people to say it's my own fault etc but I already know that and I really don't need to hear that right now. I need opinions on whether im doing the right thing or acting too rash.
Was married to (now ex) DH for 5 years, he is early 30s I am 30 if relevant - we split up last year and got divorced due to emotional abuse and some physical abuse (from a few years prior) and just generally I was incredibly unhappy. We have 1 DC pre school aged. I'm trying not to be too outing as this is a difficult enough situation without people IRL finding this post).
He moved out, it was very very difficult as he was quite nasty and uncooperative at times, and I did struggle on my own. Anyway, for a few months things went ok, but then sadly my mum became ill and died very quickly. DH stepped up, he was brilliant and a real support, I know it sounds crazy but I was struggling and grieving and it somehow ended up that he was back here. He sold some things from his house etc and I remember thinking at the time "what if I want him to leave?" But then thinking how good he had been and how I thought maybe this was our second chance so I went along with it.
I have struggled immensely since losing my mum, I already have MH issues (severe anxiety etc) and we were so close and I don't have much other family, certainly nobody to rely on and talk to and ask for advice like I could with her. Just to add a bit of context she supported the split and thought I was doing the right thing, she was a massive help throughout it all and I cannot believe she is gone.
I can't help but think how if she hadn't died I would have never had DH back and I would have been in a much better position now. But at the time I desperately needed the support and I will hold my hands up and say I couldn't have coped with the challenges of being a single parent and running a home, as well as my mental health and the grief. Now I'm in a position where I feel the grief is starting to clear a bit and I'm feeling awful. I can't believe I'm back here with DH. I know DC loves having him here, they are so close and he really is a brilliant dad. However, I just can't shake this feeling that things will end up as they did again and how I know deep down I'm not happy and want to be alone.
I originally thought it was the grief making me feel like I wanted to be alone/didn't want to do this anymore but now I realise it was the grief that made me take him back and I have come to rely on him so much it's almost codependency.
I want to end the relationship (again) but I am so scared of the fallout, and what if I can't cope? I don't have any family or friends who can support me but I also feel like this might be the next step I need to take to truly be able to move on with my life as such. I feel like I'm stuck and I feel horrendous at the thought of hurting DH and him being upset and angry, and of taking him away from DC. I feel like as he's not done anything specific to warrant me ending the relationship that I should just put up and shut up for DC sake but I also know that no good comes of just staying together for the kids.
When my mum was dying she mentioned how she wished she'd have left my dad years ago and it broke my heart, she could've been so much happier. And as awful as it sounds I don't want to be on my death bed wishing I'd done things differently.
Should I wait it out a bit? Or should I broach the subject and talk about it? I don't know if he's going to be reasonable and talk, I'm scared he's going to flip and kick off, which he has every right to I suppose, he will feel like I've used him, I know I relied on him too much but my world had fallen apart and he is the only person who could be with DC etc.
Am I a terrible person for doing this? I wish I could ask my mum for advice but I already know how she felt about the situation and she would tell me to end it