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Original poster

Boyfriend messaging girls

27 replies

MeganBoo · 28/08/2023 13:44

hi all, it’s long to explain but really need some advice other then “we should break up”. Me and my boyfriend have been together 2 years…I cheated on him earlier this year which I regret, it was due to him saying he can’t settle down with me as I’m not the same religion as him (we were arguing quite a bit before this) and him saying that pushed me away as I don’t get into relationships for them to be temporary and I felt as though I wasted my time being with him so I ended up speaking to someone else who was really nice and treated me differently to my boyfriend long story short my boyfriend found out and we broke up, argued etc I ended up cutting this other guy off and me and my boyfriend are now back together. Last month I looked on my boyfriend’s phone as he left it unlocked with me and I had a gut feeling to look as he’s always looking through mine but is so secretive with his…surprise surprise on his Instagram I saw he’d been messaging numerous girls during the whole 2 years of our relationship. The messages were extremely flirty and it was always him messaging the girls first he looked extremely firstly, a few of the girls didn’t even reply to him yet he still bombarded them with messages, there was messages of him replying to videos of girls shaking their ass, him complimenting girls (he barely compliments me), one girl he was talking about her ass and said he’d pay to get her a bbl (he’s broke most the time and has to borrow money off me so I found that funny),he even messaged an only fans girl asking what services she offers but she never replied which makes me also think he’s on only fans paying for girls content. It’s not as if we don’t have fun in the bedroom as we have sex every time we see each other and we’re always trying out new things some things I don’t even like to be honest. I confronted him and he said some were genuinely flirting but most were for work purposes and that he was flirting with them to befriend them and make them be a loyal customer to him. I forgave him and have since tried to move on but it plays in my head a lot and if I try to talk to him about it I know it’ll start an argument and he’ll flip out as he said I can’t say anything as what I did was worse (fully cheated). I just can’t stop thinking about the messages he was sending them and how flirty he was with them he’s not even like that with me I get scared to go on Instagram and see that he’s online as all I think is he’s probably messaging girls again. He does wanna be with me as when I cheated on him previously he was begging for me back and was trying so hard to get me back but how do I get past this as I have anxiety and it’s playing up on me a lot.

OP posts:
Whattodowithit88 · 28/08/2023 13:47

Why are you even bothering? It’s only been two years, you should just split up, this is not what a good relationship looks like. If you stay it’s your own doing I’m afraid, but this relationship will not make you happy, there is no future there.

DelphiniumBlue · 28/08/2023 13:57

This guy is horrible, why are you putting up with this? He's been sending sleazy messages for the whole of your relationship to other women, he's been getting you to do things in the bedroom that you don't like, and he's made it clear he's not in it for the longterm. So unless you want what I believe is called a "fuck boi" , there's absolutely no reason for you to stay.
Also he's lying to you. Of course he's not doing this for business reasons, unless his business is as a pimp!
You said "I don’t get into relationships for them to be temporary and I felt as though I wasted my time being with him" but your actions show something different.

Mrsttcno1 · 28/08/2023 14:20

I have to agree with PP’s, you are both as bad as each other. You clearly don’t love this person to have cheated on him, he clearly doesn’t love you to be messaging other women. This relationship isn’t “serious” for either of you, it’s been 2 years and you’ve both hurt each other, it’s time to cut your losses and move on.

I’m also sorry to say OP but just because he “begged” for you back doesn’t mean he wants to be with you, look at his actions now, he wouldn’t be doing any of those things if he wanted to be with you.

Maybe he just didn’t want to be the one coming out of the relationship looking like a fool who had been cheated on, now he’s managed to give you a taste of that medicine. You don’t treat someone you love the way you two have treated each other.

Lwrenagain · 28/08/2023 14:45

Would he beg for you back if you didn't lend him money?

How old are you both, you don't sound ready for commitment, either of you tbh.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 28/08/2023 14:53

Sorry this is broken ! Beyond repair
you’ve both broken each others trust in a major way

I’d say this is only fixable through couples therapy
if that !

but if you both really want to make this work (?) the trust is all messed up

AgnesX · 28/08/2023 15:00

He's not in it for the long haul. He's basically told you that you're not marriage/settling down material. Given his behaviour have some self respect and take him at his word. I'm sure you can find someone better.

DatingDinosaur · 28/08/2023 15:01

Toxic relationship.

Gcsunnyside23 · 28/08/2023 15:26

Never mind all the bad behaviour by you both, have you got past the religion issue? You have quite a few big issues to deal with and I've no idea what advice anyone could give apart from calling it a day

Pinkbonbon · 28/08/2023 15:48

He's a sleaze. You know fine you didn't believe that loyal customer bullshit.

Just get away from him and have done with it.
It's 2 years in and there's been nothing but drama and heartache.

Healthy relationships are as easy as breathing.

As for him loving you because he chased you...yeah, abusers chase their victims too you know. Narcissists chase their narcissistic supply. He doesn't love you, you're just an handy ego boost to have on tap. If he lost you he'd have to start training another victim all over again.

NotaCoolMum · 28/08/2023 16:09

you don’t want us to tell you to break up with him? So what are you after here? False hope? This is absolutely not the relationship for either of you. You are both toxic for each other and this is going nowhere fast.

PandorasBox10 · 28/08/2023 16:16

This sounds very childish by him. I don’t know what age you guys are but this is very immature stuff. I know you said you’d rather not get advised to break up but honestly, look at what he’s doing to you. What advice would you give your best friend, If she were you? If you had a daughter, would you be telling her to dump this guy? There’s no sense being in a relationship like this. Don’t fear being single, the right person for you is out there.

Mom2K · 28/08/2023 16:17

You say you don't want anyone telling you to break up....but then go on to describe a destructive and irreparable relationship. If you want to stay with him then stay...but just know that if you choose that option, what you described is what you're stuck with. Personally, I'd end it.

scoobydoo1971 · 28/08/2023 16:23

Let's see...he messages loads of women on the internet, he views onlyfans, he borrows money off you, he makes you do stuff in bed you don't like, he gaslights you into thinking you cannot object to his browsing hobbies. Take it from someone with 5 decades of experience of mankind, and know that you are dating a loser. He is a loser now, and he will be a loser at 85. He values women for looks and sex only, he is ok with buying women like a piece of meat off the internet and elsewhere, he cannot manage money, he disrespects you, he doesn't follow your boundaries in the bedroom and he potentially sleeps around bringing STD's to you. So, having identified that this man is a bit of a sad case, why would you put up with him? Spending time with him means you are not spending time alone working on your self esteem, and not opening up to opportunities with other men who behave nicely. Value yourself and others will too.

Turfwars · 28/08/2023 16:32

You want advice for the impossible.

What you want to have is a man who loves you, respects you, adores you and wouldn't dream of looking at another woman, and who shows in every way that he wants to be your husband and spend the rest of your lives together.

But what you've got to work with is a habitual cheater with a madonna/whore vibe going on. He'll act out all his fantisies out on you and then pick a nice chaste woman in his religion to marry and have kids with. But he doesn't love you or respect you.

What you have right now is the only version of your relationship that's possible. If you want a different kind of relationship then you need to swap the man.

yellowsmileyface · 28/08/2023 17:23

Honestly though, you should break up.

You should've broken up with him in the first place when you were unhappy enough to cheat.

In any case, please stop doing things you don't enjoy in the bedroom. You really don't have to, you know. And if your partner ever makes you feel like you have to, that's sexual coercion and you need to get as far away from him as possible.

I think you should end this relationship and spend a while being single and raising your standards. Learn to walk away when your wants and needs aren't being met rather than looking elsewhere.

notnowpls · 28/08/2023 17:29

This sounds like a nightmare and I don't think it's a relationship that's going to last no matter how hard you try.

MargotMoon · 28/08/2023 17:39

Please don't ever do things in the bedroom that you don't want to do! Sounds like you need to split up with this guy and starts putting some boundaries in place for yourself and the men you date.

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 28/08/2023 17:57

Why is break up not the right advice? What value is there in staying in this 'relationship'? There is nothing healthy about this. You deserve better. You were wrong to cheat but that doesn't mean you spend the rest of your life with this man being punished for it. This is abusive and going nowhere

Mummy08m · 28/08/2023 17:59

we have sex every time we see each other and we’re always trying out new things some things I don’t even like to be honest

Leave him. Today, now. This is not ok in any way

Mummy08m · 28/08/2023 18:00

Never mind the cheating and the texts and whatever.

He convinces you to do sex you don't like.

That's not acceptable.

Watchkeys · 28/08/2023 18:29

Your boundaries are desperately trying to assert themselves, and you are desperately trying to silence them. That's why you're anxious. Anybody would get anxious if they screamed for help and nobody listened. You are internally screaming for help, and ignoring the screams.

It's the ultimate in self disrespect. You don't like him. So leave him. If you don't want that advice, that's a further symptom of your lack of self respect. Nobody is going to side with the part of you that insists you stay in a shit situation where someone treats you like shit and you feel shitty.

Azandme · 28/08/2023 18:40

My partner and I are from different countries, and were raised in different religions. His family is Muslim.

Yet I'm messaging from his parents home in India, where we've been for the last week. I've met all his family.

It took time and some painful situations to get here, but he chose me, and stood up to his family for me.

Why? Because he loves me.

That is love. A man using his religion as an excuse doesn't love you. My dp despises men like your partner for the reputation they give to people like him.

If you stay with him you are letting him use you as someone to have sex with until an acceptable bride is found. Then you'll be gone and forgotten.

Find your self respect and end this shit show.

2catsandhappy · 24/05/2024 00:55

He begged you back as he didn't want the humiliation of being dumped.
When he finds suitably religious wife material he will get his revenge.
He does not love you, he finds you useful until someone better comes along. He hasn't forgiven you as he throws your cheating back in your face. He has no respect for you,
All this suspicion and lack of trust is no way to live your life.

Mmhmmn · 24/05/2024 01:18

“He does wanna be with me as when I cheated on him previously he was begging for me back and was trying so hard to get me back”

That’s meaningless. All men do that when they want to be dumped and want to keep getting some. Doesn’t mean he respects you (clearly he doesn’t) You need to respect yourself and raise your bar.

Opentooffers · 24/05/2024 01:32

"You should break up" lol. Go find the guy who treated you better, unless you like being treated poorly, which it looks like you do - go figure 🙄