Told kids we're splitting, now having second thoughts...

[DreamscapesAndCupcakes]

Is it going to just mess them up if theyve been told dad and i are splitting if we go back on the decision?

I thought i was certain (i would not have told them otherwise)

We havent had the best relationship but its come to a head lately, nothing huge but lots of little things. very different parenting stiles. him not being very present emotionally etc

but now the wheels are in motion i feel like i might be making a mistake. ive gone back over the reasons i had for leaving and they dont seem as convincing any more, i know this is partly because its all ive ever known (been together since i was 16, now 36)

he wants to try to make things work but i am just so so confused about everything.

i dont know what is worse, staying together after the kids have been told we are separaring or the actual separation.

sorry if thats a load of waffling, my head is all over the place at the moment

Are you sure you're not just having some kind of cold feet nerves now it's really real? You must have been so sure to tell the children.

Don't stay just because it's the easy option, if that's any part in it.

I'm so sorry xx

I think cold feet is a factor and yes like you say, in the short term it's easier to not have all the practicalities

And sadness maybe, like it's not awful, we do get on at times, other times we don't

We don't have a sex life either which is ok with me as it's not a high priority for me

You've made the decision for a reason and you were sure. Obviously I don't know the ins and outs, but at times I think you need to trust yourself and the decision you made - I'm sure it was well thought out. I understand the cold feet thing.

Maybe you should try a temporary separation with counselling?
Then you can be sure but also if you go back the kids are aware why the separation happened and why it wasn't forever

Speaking as someone who's parents separated, and then got back together 18 months later - please don't change your mind unless you're 99% certain staying married will result in a happy family.

My DPs are now late 60's, utterly miserable, and I spend as little time as possible with them together because there's such an awful atmosphere.

I'd much rather they stayed separated, and moved on, finding happiness in things/people that weren't each other.

I think telling them has made the separation become far more real in your head. Such cold feet jitters are normal and after a relationship of many years there would be some sadness of it ending.

Also this relationship is all that you have known since you were 16 so its about time you find out who you really are without being in a relationship. Given what you've written about him as well I would continue to push ahead with separating.

yes i think its more real. its scary not knowing if im doing the right thing. kids are 15, 13, 11 and 7

older ones unerstand to a degree but youngest is devastated and i thats really hard

If you are not sure I’d put a temporary hold on the decision and go to counselling with your husband. It’s a big thing to get wrong.

i was getting at him for playing 18 rated video games in front of youngest (again... has done this several times, once a few days earlier and i was just pissed off with it) and the kids have been arguing and also just a bit of a pain (end of shcool hols!) and so he was in a bad mood. i text him asking what was up the next day and he replied
'im miserable, i cant stand the lot of you! literally all of you'
so that was the catalyst to me saying enough is enough
if thats how he feels i dont know why he wants to even stay?!

It sounds like things escalated due to school holiday stress. It’s been a long summer and the weather hasn’t helped. I would personally always get counselling before making such a decision. Don’t rely on opinions here.

I've just had a look on relate website, I don't know why I hadn't thought about counselling before, it's an obvious step really. Thank you

If you were so sure you told the children I wouldn't reconsider quickly

Our dc were upset but we had to weather that and support them. Ultimately we are far better parents to them separately and 3 years on that is easy to see.

Ex dh and o have a very tight parenting relationship and a very long term shared understanding from being together 20 years.

But we were not compatible in a relationship and we are happier apart which makes us better parents