Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

What now?

11 replies

WhatNow1234 · 28/08/2023 07:35

My life is a mess.

There is so much - partner left me yesterday late last night, huge fight where I acted like a crazy woman, including throwing a tin of paint which is now everywhere and attempting to stop him leaving, shouting, pushing each other etc. He was crazy too but I started it.

Age 50. Childless not by choice, was still hoping for a miracle. Made redundant and currently jobless. Living in a building site of a house. Literally. Work started and not finished. No heating.

Deteriorating relationship with family and friends. Just because I haven't wanted to share details of the difficulties in the relationship.

I have ADD - cause of many problems. Perimenopause symptoms. Constant bladder infections. Not happy with my body. Not overweight but not toned. Partner had said horrible things about my appearance in anger.

No car. No computer. Need one for job search. No idea what to buy.

That's a flavour. There's so much more. It's a shit show. Not sure how it ended up like this. We were so happy at the start!

Where do I go from here? I'm lying in bed, paralysed with fear, depression, regret. Wanting him back. Don't know how to even start to make this better.

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 28/08/2023 07:38

Are you on HRT ?

Original poster

WhatNow1234 · 28/08/2023 07:46

No. Tried oestrogel and it caused massive leg pains. Stopped.

My ADD, plus changing GP to another town (where partner bought another house and where he is now) means I havent got back to GP yet.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatNow1234 · 28/08/2023 07:52

My head is hurting so much. I didn't sleep. The house is chaos. A slum really. No job. Limited money. All alone. Not suicidal but can't see the point.

I'm an intelligent person. Educated. Had a decent job.

But I think I'm mentally unstable. I behaved like a mad woman yesterday.

OP posts:

Raggammuffin · 28/08/2023 07:53

Oh pet, tough time for you and that's an understatement. I suspect I have adhd so if it's annoying that I only suspect that I have it and I'm "advising" forgive me.

Get a lovely notebook and write a list of priorities eg, income, sort out what you need to do to ensure income. Cheap car? Would a bike suffice for a few months til it gets cold? You can work on 1) securing income during the day and 2) self compassion by night.

What next?

Other lists that help me focus, "what will matter in a month?" What will matter in 2 months? et cetera. This really helps me when I have bad OVERWHELM.

Even writing down on a list that you will focus on something next sends a comgorting balm to the overwhelm.

It's kinda partially dealt with when it's number 2.

You can deal with the house when the more urgent things have been secured/stabilised.

Whataretheodds · 28/08/2023 07:55

First things to sort are: do you have the means to get yourself something nourishing to eat today

Then: you need to see a GP for 1) referral for ADHD mens and an appropriate HRT solution.

Call and ask for an appointment as soon as possible. You may need to tell the receptionist that you are worried about doing something stupid if you don't get help.

Coffeeandanap · 28/08/2023 07:57

Agree with the above, get a notebook and break down small things you can do:

Call someone from your family or close friends and tell them you need to talk & would like to build bridges
Ask for help in cleaning the house, or start yourself with one room
Go to the doctor and ask for support
Go to your local job centre and ask for help in looking and applying for jobs as you’re currently without a computer

You’ll get there, just ask for help and start small

Original poster

WhatNow1234 · 28/08/2023 07:59

Coffeeandanap · 28/08/2023 07:57

Agree with the above, get a notebook and break down small things you can do:

Call someone from your family or close friends and tell them you need to talk & would like to build bridges
Ask for help in cleaning the house, or start yourself with one room
Go to the doctor and ask for support
Go to your local job centre and ask for help in looking and applying for jobs as you’re currently without a computer

You’ll get there, just ask for help and start small

The house is a building site. Not just messy.

OP posts:

Bythecooker · 28/08/2023 08:02

Before tackling the big things, have a shower, get dressed, eat food and go for a walk, preferably somewhere pretty but if nowhere close just around the streets for some fresh air. If you have someone you can call then do so, old friends and family will be there for you even if you've been distant lately. Do some yoga. Once your head is in a better place you will be better placed to sort the bigger stuff. Take care x

Original poster

WhatNow1234 · 28/08/2023 08:05

So much kindness. Thanks.

I just want my relationship to work. I have been so awful to him. Probably due to ADD and perimenopause. And the way I acted yesterday means that I've really fucked things up.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatNow1234 · 28/08/2023 08:07

All I ever wanted was him and a child. I have neither.

OP posts:

Coffeeandanap · 28/08/2023 09:03

Can you get out of the house and stay with family? It’s very hard on your mental state to live in an environment like that so that would be my priority.

I say this kindly also, when you apologise don’t refer to ADD or menopause as it could appear to be making excuses & also not reassure him that this won’t happen again.

Flip