Have I (DH) messed up

[midnighthour123]

Hello everyone, I'm (DH) reaching out for opinions on how I think I might have badly messed up.

For quick background, DW, 2 primary school age DC and myself recently moved house from overseas and settled into the UK. The last few years have been really extremely challenging with moving on so many fronts. The last 18 months has been fairly calming albeit still very challenging. DW works away for most of the year, as we settled DW was offered a role with much greater career opportunity than if she stayed local. Better pay, better prospects. Our moving was extremely expensive, but bills split between us together with roles is still very doable. The role is a few hours away, too far to commute so she stays away for most of the week, returning 1 day-ish per week and has generous holiday time. DW felt it very important she go for this role and I have been supportive, respectful of her decision and happily run things with DC at school, home, clubs and work full time as well. TBH, I love being a dad, I play and laugh alot with DC - its not just routine for me. I don't have time for anything else. We have not moved house to her job location yet, its one of our only options for settling, mainly becuase im worried of moving somewhere again (4 big moves in the last few years) based on a fairly new role. I'd like DC to have a bit of stability for a bit. We talk often about this and have agreed end of this year to make a decision on moving closer to her job.

I'll come to the issue where I have messed up. Between DW and I, we agreed that I could get away during summer holiday (DW has a long summer holiday) to claw back my work duties from not having the ability to get away during the year. During the year, I can barely get enough time to work, I work with the USA alot, but can't get away during the year for needing to be home most of the time and even when DW returns for a day-ish it doesnt allow me to get away to handle things or maintain work related relationships (clients and such). So we agreed I could get away for 20 days in summer, I can stack meetings back to back and handle all. I'd cover house bills and contribute to entertainment for the DC whilst DW ran the show. I understand holiday time is different to running term time and solidly empathise with the intense load. I don't undervalue the holiday time load and show solid appreciation. DW has generous holiday summer time and does not have to balance full time work but may do some admin catch up so I understand there's balance too. We also talked that this would be the only summer I'd do this, it wouldn't be easy for DW either, as in the coming here we'd agree to move to her job, or, something else that she wouldnt stay away.

Since being away (this summer, 20 days, as agreed), DW has expressed anger to me. "You left me to do everything", "you are useless", "im better of without you", "its too much on my own". F this, and F that. Very very angry about me not being there.

Have I messed up badly here? I'm here to get opinions on this so I can make amends. The voice in my head says "during the year I'll take care of DC for all the stuff, and I'll work, and I support DW to pursue whats important to her, and next year or at some point we'll nudge to a more regular setup - so me being away for 20 days in summer, in balance and when DW might want to make up for lost time a bit, and lost time to come, is probably ok?

If my perspective is screwed, and I've messed up, I'll make a big apology.

Sounds like you've had children with someone who doesn't really want to be a parent. I think you'd be better off on your own tbh. She doesn't want to be part of the family and pull her weight.

You sound understanding to the point of being a bit of a mug here. You sound like you do more that enough to warrant her taking the reins for a bit. 20 days of looking after your own kids without working or other major responsibilities sounds lovely. Hard and exhausting in someways but that’s kids. You are clearly very under appreciated. I’d being having some serious conversations about the future of this relationship and how/if it can continue.

You sound like a lovely dad, OP, I’m sorry your DW isn’t appreciating that. From what you’ve told us you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong and I think your DW is only just realising the reality of looking after your two kids FT.

Re finding someone to talk to, check if your work offers an employee assistance helpline/counselling sessions (I’ve used a workplace one in the past and got 6 free sessions with a counsellor). Alternatively there’s a good list here of where to find talking therapy help: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/talking-therapy-and-counselling/how-to-find-a-therapist/

Not all therapists are right for all people so if you find someone and you don’t really like their style, keep looking until you find someone that you do click with, as good therapy can be life-changing.

All the best OP

Being perimenopausal doesn’t make you selfish and unable to consider others 🙄

Yeah I disagree with a lot of posters - you are leaving your wife for 20 days to have the kids 24/7. She may have a long summer but probably because she works non-stop during the year. You have the kids whilst they are in school for 4 days a week. I imagine your wife does a lot in the remaining 3 days.

And - projecting here - she probably has mum guilt.

Neither of you are wrong - it's the situation that is messed up and is completely unsustainable. Both of you sound exhausted, and where is the family time? Are these jobs really worth it? I think one summer maybe but longer?

I think you need to sit down and review the situation, take her criticisms but also ensure you present yours, speak like Adults and come to a more sustainable solution where you both get breaks regularly.

A divorce solicitor. Or a therapist. Or your GP. Or a friend / family / your mum?

Or were you wanting me to say something else 🤔

She will typically do 1 day or less in the week.
(which I understand is a temporary situation). Imbalance is not the issue, the issue/confusion is the anger

Why is anger confusing? It's a bad sign of an unstable unhappy person in a situation they don't want to be in.

Does she have a history of it? Are you worried about the children's safety?

Are you still away?

Sometimes frustration comes from shame or guilt.

Do you ever have family time together , sounds like you are not really a family. Maybe that is her frustration?

I can see that. During the year its not much for obvious reasons. In summer and other holidays its a normal routine, I'll come home at a normal time and we have family time. Other than that, DW misses children so much and will want them alone.

Why is it your fault/problem to solve?

Yes, where there are two parents, it's tougher for one parent when the other one is away for a long time. But she needs to sort this herself. In her shoes (and assuming money is not tight), I would either use the time to visit family/grandparents or, if that's not an option, have the kids in camps or with a babysitter for a bit.

This arrangement sounds unworkable long term. You are not having family time together where either of you are caring for the children and sharing things equally. I would suggest you need to live nearer to her place of work so you can try to have a normal family life together.

If the issue is the way she lost it then you need to communicate that with her and you need to talk.

She's lost it because she's human and she was overwhelmed possibly temporarily like we all can do when burnt out.

Her burnt out is not seemingly fair given all the talks and circumstances you had on this summer plan but it's happened.

I grew up with one parent away all the time and the communication waned and silent resentment built.

You need to sit down and thrash it out.

DW struggles to cope even though in most ways, the summer holidays are easier as there’s no fixed morning/school/homework routine to stick to.
I wouldn’t advise you move to be together unless this is resolved first. How would you feel if you still had to do everything while living together to keep the peace, especially after another school disruption for the kids?

How is your marriage in general?

She’s on annual leave, you’re working.

YANBU

Oh, and don’t move your children again. That really wouldn’t be fair on them.

Well you have to have a conversation, don't you?

I could see you were really angry when I was away, that isn't really appropriate and made me feel like shit.

If the reason you were so angry is that having the kids on your own for 20 days is a lot, welcome to my life. That's what I'm juggling all year. I needed this time to focus on work and make it manageable for the year ahead so it's not fair that you were angry with me.

That all said, now you can see that our balance is off. Let's talk about what we want to do over the next couple of years to get through this.

is she peri menopausal?
ffs, is this the female excuse for being a selfish nasty cow?
similar to the excuse for abusive men of 'maybe on the spectrum'
let's not excuse horrible behaviour.

@theDudesmummy I never quite understand what a reverse means. In this case do you mean it's really the wife who has the children most of the time & the husband can't cope for 20 days as he's away for most of the week?

It doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong but the whole set-up sounds unsustainable. You’ve worked and tried really hard but you encouraged her to take the job but refused to move to be nearer her job and that’s the cause of the problem. It’s leading to a very fractured family life. It’s not good for any of you for her to be away all week every week. I understand the desire not to move yet again if there have been numerous moves already but if there’s permanence in her job, that final move may be worth making if it’s to a place where you and your children can be happy.

Your DW is BU and has mismanaged her own expectations about these 20 days. Thats on her.

My DH and i recently had a role swap and the first 6 wks were hell. Despite not working so being able to devote all his time to the SAHP role (whilst i went from pt to ft work) he showed massive resentment and anger towards me. I didn’t take it personally as i knew it was his situation rather than anything i was doing that was causing it. It has however resulted in a lot of damage to our relationship which may not survive (other factors too).

OP, talk to your wife soon about this as i suspect theres a lot more underlying…this may be the trigger you need to air things

I'm so shocked that you think you have messed up. 20 days over summer is nothing when you appear to be taking on a full load the rest of the year. Your wife is out of order here - big time.