My DM is 77. I thought we'd always had a complicated relationship but actually I don't think it is. She's just not very nice, utterly selfish and I don't like her.
As a teen she left me with my alcoholic, emotionally abusive df. She literally just disappeared one day, failing to collect me from a residential school trip so that my teacher ended up taking me home. At 14, df harangued me so much that I took an overdose. She took me to the hospital and then dropped me back there afterwards.
That has pretty much been the flavour of our relationship. She has no real interest in my life or that of my DC. She was in a relationship with my SD for the last 25 years but he died 2 years ago. I supported her throughout his illness, was there every day including the day he died. They were both hoarders and chose to live in a way that most wouldn't so this was a challenge, particularly ensuring he was able to receive care at home (had to clear the house to get the bed in and a path through etc etc). DM knew this was problematic but would always blame him for the house and all the stuff.
DM has since moved house into a bungalow. She lives about 500m up the road from me but I never see her. In fact I rarely talk to her but she doesn't initiate any contact. She barely has any relationship with my dc. She sent a text asking how eldest DC did in his exams to which I responded but she didn't reply after that - didn't say well done or ask his plans, nothing. She has looked after youngest dc (10) when we've been desperate but I try to avoid it as she just lets her watch TV whilst she plays in her phone.
Her new house is back to being like the old one. It's cluttered and smells. She compulsively buys things she doesn't need but you can't have a conversation about it as she shuts down. We end up with random tat for all presents as she'll have "found a bargain". Nothing is ever bought or done with the receiver at the heart, it's always about her. For instance, she'll sometimes drop off some food that she's found on the super reduced isles. However, it won't be about us needing it or wanting it, it's about it being cheap and too big for her ( but often not enough to feed all of us).
I've got to a point where I'm so resentful of her that I've given up. I've stopped initiating contact and I've stopped inviting her round. She of course would never think to do it herself. You can't have any conversation with her about it. She shuts down at any confrontation or conflict and it makes no difference so there is no point. I really dislike her, she's not a nice person but then I also feel so fucking guilty and responsible. How the hell do you reconcile the feelings of guilt and responsibility in this situation?