Trauma bond and pregnant

[Roset199]

Trauma bond has anybody ever experienced it?

Ive been seeing this guy for the best part of 2 years, my friends described him as ‘what every woman wants’ when we started dating. I couldn’t fault him at the beginning he was amazing. He had two kids prior to me and so did I. 3 months into dating he took his kids abroad and made out I was being extremely clingy etc and he ghosted me until he was back due to wanting to spend quality time with his boys (Fair right?)
Things got back on track etc fast forward I year we introduced our kids from previous relationships into the mix. Everything was going swimmingly until I found out the holiday he went on with his children he also went with the ex partner (mum of the boys) and her daughter… so not only did he lie he made a big thing out of not talking to me because he wanted time with the boys. I was beside myself as I had also just found I was pregnant with him (not planned). He become hostile and told me it was for the safety of their children as the kids couldn’t swim and never been abroad before, if I had a problem with it it was a me problem and to even ask his kids that him and the mum had separate rooms.
following this I haven’t seen his kids since, he stopped arranging to meet up with them and would come and see me on my kid free weekends and sometimes when my daughters were also home. I found it all bizarre but genuinely was made to believe it was all in my head.
I’m now 29 weeks pregnant and after an argument he’s told me he wants nothing to do with me anymore & that I should reach out when she’s born only and he’ll take me to court if necessary. Despite me not denying access to baby.. he’s also been seen driving past my house despite ghosting me which I find odd as he lives an hour away

Theres so much more to the story I’d be typing forever. I know I should have seen the red flags and all the signs. Any advice?

My advice is stop trying to label it and just live. You're a single parent. Working out how that is going to work with a small baby and how you can make sure you are OK, he pays CS, visitation is acceptable, all of that is really important.

Are you financially secure and OK?

Yes I’ve swallowed my feelings and put baby’s best interest on a pedestal, I’m just scared postpartum how he’s going to be as he does have controlling and unpredictable behaviours so know it’s going to be stressful hence why I wanted a plan in place for visitation etc before she arrived as I know he’ll be demanding his ways when she’s born but he’s told me he doesn’t owe me that and doesn’t need to communicate anything until he’s ready which will be when she’s here

Why have you labelled the thread trauma bond? Do you still feel very attached to him? He has treated you absolutely horribly and is showing malice to you while you are at a vulnerable time in your life. I would stop engaging with him for now and let him initiate contact after the birth.

As ridiculous as it sounds yes. He’s on my mind constantly despite people telling me how badly I’ve been treated and will continue to be. I always find no matter what I make excuses for his behaviour and put the blame on myself, sounds so stupid I know
I haven’t spoken to him after our last conversation as I feel it’s best just to try focus on myself & baby and figure out is this what I really want to keep putting myself through

I think not talking to him is very sensible.

What was your childhood like? Because the best people in the world are the ones who break unhealthy patterns for their children. It only takes on person to save very subsequent generation. Or you can let him have his way.

I think you’re right.

I had a really good childhood growing up, two parent household, massive family and support network no problems etc.
He on the other hand fled DV with his mum, placed into care etc back and forth surrounded by severe mental health disorders & drugs/drink. Beaten as a child.
I think that’s where a lot of problems stem from unfortunately