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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need a reality check

16 replies

EmotionSickness · 27/08/2023 22:27

I am in a rut.

I’ve been married for 5 years now. My DH and I have never been ones for big shows of affection (not my choice per se but it’s how he is), but over the past year or so it’s become more and more apparent that we’re on different wavelengths when it comes to showing each other we care.

A couple of examples:

I work for myself. Have done for a couple of years but this wasn’t the case when we met. Since my business has started going well and I’m earning good money, I don’t feel like I can talk about it with him. If I bring up anything work related, he is overtly disinterested. I feel he would prefer to be the breadwinner, but my logic is it’s all going into the same pot so why does it matter? I don’t flaunt my success, but equally as it stands I can’t moan about clients or mention anything to do with my job and get any real response out of him.

He isn’t EVER affectionate. No compliments, nothing. We have sex probably once a month but it’s very short lived. I feel incredibly unattractive, he literally gives me no reason not to.

I don’t want to go on, but yeah. I’ve felt like this for quite a while. Every time I ask him if everything’s ok / is he happy / does he still love me he acts like he couldn’t believe I’d think anything different. He’s stressed with work or other things completely unrelated. So why do I continue to feel this way?

He is very difficult to talk to, but I can’t go on like this. Stupidly, I need to get all this out so I can get some courage to talk to him properly and find out what the fuck is going on. I never thought I’d be in this position.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 27/08/2023 22:34

That's really horrible isn't it. He doesn't see you as a team. He's jealous of you and resents your success.

Do you really want to stay with him?

Shoxfordian · 27/08/2023 22:34

Sounds like you’re not compatible; why did you marry him in the first place?

AllSewnUp · 28/08/2023 01:07

Do you feel he is proud of you and your work accomplishments, OP? If you were to ask him this directly, what do you think his response and delivery of the response to that question would be? It sounds like he is jealous in all honesty.

You've described a cold, and rather pointless marriage. I had one of those and it grinds away at you until there's nothing left...

It's a bit of a cliché, but very true... There is nothing more lonely than being in a relationship that doesn't work.

He needs to understand YOU are not happy and work with you as a team to bring things back to a place where you both feel fulfilled. When was the last time he checked in with you to see if you are happy and fulfilled in the marriage? Do you think he cares about your happiness (I'm not saying he doesn't, but maybe this is something to ponder on)?

Grendell · 28/08/2023 01:14

Sounds like he resents your success. Perhaps he finds it emasculating.

billy1966 · 28/08/2023 04:08

You are not a team.

He bitterly resents you.

Your marriage is over.

Get legal advice.

Don't waste your time tying to flog this dead horse, you are not a team.

Time to get organised.

Original poster
EmotionSickness · 28/08/2023 07:16

I agree with those saying we’re not a team. When it comes to our DS we absolutely are, I can’t fault his parenting and he will do anything for him. But I feel as though we’re friends with a child rather than in a relationship.

For those saying the marriage is over, if I’m completely honest it does feel that way on some days, but I also feel like it would be a waste to throw it away without actually trying to fix it first.

All I really want is to feel as though he loves me like he says he does.

I need to speak to him properly but I’ve been putting it off for so long for fear that it would be the start of the end, that he’d admit he doesn’t actually love me or that he’s jealous of my business or whatever. I just really need to courage to do it which sounds so insane!

OP posts:
Original poster
EmotionSickness · 28/08/2023 07:17

Shoxfordian · 27/08/2023 22:34

Sounds like you’re not compatible; why did you marry him in the first place?

I don’t think I felt this way at all when we got married, but our lives were quite different then! This has all come about in the past year - 18 months really.

OP posts:
Original poster
EmotionSickness · 28/08/2023 07:21

AllSewnUp · 28/08/2023 01:07

Do you feel he is proud of you and your work accomplishments, OP? If you were to ask him this directly, what do you think his response and delivery of the response to that question would be? It sounds like he is jealous in all honesty.

You've described a cold, and rather pointless marriage. I had one of those and it grinds away at you until there's nothing left...

It's a bit of a cliché, but very true... There is nothing more lonely than being in a relationship that doesn't work.

He needs to understand YOU are not happy and work with you as a team to bring things back to a place where you both feel fulfilled. When was the last time he checked in with you to see if you are happy and fulfilled in the marriage? Do you think he cares about your happiness (I'm not saying he doesn't, but maybe this is something to ponder on)?

If I asked him outright he’d say yes of course he’s proud of me. If I asked why he never wants to talk about my work I imagine he’d say something like “I don’t really find it interesting to talk about anyone’s work” or something idiotic like that. He’d deflect.

You’re completely right though, I feel so lonely at the moment. And also like I can’t really talk to anyone in real life - it somehow feels like a failure that I feel this way.

Also - I honestly cannot remember the last time he asked if I was happy. Months and months and months ago. But it’s written all over my face so he’s either ignoring it or paying no attention - not sure which is worse.

OP posts:
Autieangel · 28/08/2023 07:30

Are you sure he's jealous of your earnings/success? Could it be he would be equally disinterested if u were on minimum wage. ?

It sounds like he's not a feelings person. So he loves you but doesn't do displays of affection. He's happy but doesn't show extremes of moods?

Is there any negatives, is he ever mean? Angry? Anything to indicate something is bubbling underneath the surface?

I'd suggest couples counselling

DustyLee123 · 28/08/2023 07:37

I used to hate it when DH came home and moaned about work. I’d try to offer suggestions of how it could be better, but he wouldn’t try any changes, just used me as a sounding board which wound me up. So I told him to stop talking about work, I’m much less stressed now.

Indiacalling · 28/08/2023 07:41

Yes, I would agree with couples counselling. It is a shift when you become parents and the dynamic of your relationship maybe has also changed with your success (not that you need to apologise for this, it should be celebrated!). But maybe he feels stuck in his own career or lacking direction for next steps and adjusting to being a father, I don’t know.

I say couples counselling because it sounds like you don’t want to give up on the marriage yet and you must have married him and had a child for a reason. I think it is a case of letting him know that you value the marriage but you are feeling lonely and unhappy and would like to explore with him how to improve communication (or something which expresses how you feel). It doesn’t have to be the beginning of the end, but if talking about it is better than just snapping and ending the marriage one day.

Original poster
EmotionSickness · 28/08/2023 07:41

Autieangel · 28/08/2023 07:30

Are you sure he's jealous of your earnings/success? Could it be he would be equally disinterested if u were on minimum wage. ?

It sounds like he's not a feelings person. So he loves you but doesn't do displays of affection. He's happy but doesn't show extremes of moods?

Is there any negatives, is he ever mean? Angry? Anything to indicate something is bubbling underneath the surface?

I'd suggest couples counselling

This is actually a really interesting point - I don’t think he’s ever really asked me about work, so that’s not something that’s changed. I think I just expected with all the hard work I’ve put in that he’d be more interested, but actually he isn’t at all. I guess that’s not necessarily a fault, but it doesn’t really change how it makes me feel - not being able to talk about it at home still sucks!

He’s definitely not a feeling person, and his dad is the same. It’s never been an issue in the past but for some reason now it’s just really grinding me down!

He’s never mean. He gets stressed with work and can be very quiet and “switched off”, I think this is the main source of the problem at the moment but I let him unload it all to me, I guess that’s where it feels so one sided. Like his work is important and mine isn’t.

OP posts:
coffeestrongblacknosugar · 28/08/2023 07:42

I would definitely have a discussion about this and maybe some counselling together/apart to fix your marriage. If he is unwilling or unable to move forward with changes then its time to divorce.

Being in a loveless, non affectionate marriage is not great. There is definitely life afterward, been there, done that, got the scars to prove it!

Original poster
EmotionSickness · 28/08/2023 07:43

Indiacalling · 28/08/2023 07:41

Yes, I would agree with couples counselling. It is a shift when you become parents and the dynamic of your relationship maybe has also changed with your success (not that you need to apologise for this, it should be celebrated!). But maybe he feels stuck in his own career or lacking direction for next steps and adjusting to being a father, I don’t know.

I say couples counselling because it sounds like you don’t want to give up on the marriage yet and you must have married him and had a child for a reason. I think it is a case of letting him know that you value the marriage but you are feeling lonely and unhappy and would like to explore with him how to improve communication (or something which expresses how you feel). It doesn’t have to be the beginning of the end, but if talking about it is better than just snapping and ending the marriage one day.

Yeah I think you’re right. I definitely don’t feel it’s the end of the marriage, he seemingly has no idea how I feel and that’s on me to change. I’d hope that once he understands it, he’d make an effort to make things better - for both of us.

I will look into counselling, thank you!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 28/08/2023 16:21

This thread has forced you to tease things out in your head, which is good.

You need to talk to him and suggest counselling.

He either wants to the problem or part of a solution.

Take action, don't waste your life feeling lonely.

Indiacalling · 29/08/2023 13:34

EmotionSickness · 28/08/2023 07:43

Yeah I think you’re right. I definitely don’t feel it’s the end of the marriage, he seemingly has no idea how I feel and that’s on me to change. I’d hope that once he understands it, he’d make an effort to make things better - for both of us.

I will look into counselling, thank you!

Show quote history

Good luck.
It’s really on both of you, I think, at this point.
You to make your feelings clear in a constructive way and him to respond, hopefully also in a constructive way.

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