Boyfriend throws things in anger

OutsideEveryday · 2023-08-27T18:34:15+00:00

Hi, this is my first post so still figuring this out!! Just had my first DS (8 weeks old) me and his dad have been together a year and a bit - I got pregnant very soon into our relationship. DP has occasionally shown anger during our relationship in a physical way. To be clear it’s never directed at me or any other person, only objects. Examples - he had a stressful day at work, was cooking sausage and mash and burnt the sausages. He threw a tea towel down on the ground and stormed out the room. Another time when I was heavily pregnant we were arguing and I said I was tired, as I was walking out the door to go to bed and he told me to shut up. Since DS has been born he has only shown it once, last night when we were bickering and he threw the sofa cushions down and said he was annoyed that he had ‘ruined’ the evening. DP also gets frustrated with DS when he cries but has never shown anger and knows that when he gets annoyed to put DS down safely and leave for 5 mins (or give him to me). DP is amazing otherwise, honestly the kindest and most thoughtful person 99.9% of the time. Just when he’s angry, it’s like a different person. His dad was very angry when he was a child so may be a learned behaviour I guess. But I am worried that this will keep happening and I won’t be able to protect DS from it forever, he will eventually see this anger and I worry about the impact it will have on him and his behaviour, he will think it’s ok to throw things when you’re angry. DP knows I am worried and he doesn’t want DS seeing it either. Is there anything I can do to help him? What can I do to protect little one and stop him from seeing this and behaving the same way?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/08/2023 20:00

You have stated that his anger has been directed at inanimate objects but on a previous occasion he has told you to shut up. This represents an escalation and abuse often escalates. He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you rightly call him out on his behaviour, Anger management courses are NO answer to domestic violence.

There is nothing you can do to help him. Abuse is not a relationship issue, abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute here . It’s a short step also from hitting inanimate objects to hitting you.

What you are describing here is domestic violence and such men do not change readily if at all. Oh he may well know that what he is doing is wrong but he’s not doing anything himself for himself, let alone you and his child. He’s just paying lip service to this.

Re him this is indeed a learnt behaviour from his father. This is what he has learnt about relationships from his parents and indeed your son cannot learn that violent behaviour in a relationship is acceptable. Ultimately you and your son need to be apart from this man due to his violent behaviour. Be brave and make the break. How supportive are your parents here?. What friends and family members can you trust?.

Womens Aid are also well worth contacting here.

Valerie23 · 27/08/2023 20:06

'DP is amazing otherwise, honestly the kindest and most thoughtful person 99.9% of the time.'

The only person you are convincing with that nonsense is yourself.

It doesn't matter if he's Jesus Christ 99.9% of the time when the remainder is him being aggressive and violent.

Throwing things is not something you or your child should have to put up with or be around.

By staying with him you are tolerating, allowing and condoning him being out of control.

That is the context here. He becomes out of control.

What is he picks up a heavy book and throws it at the wall in temper just as your child walks in and gets walloped in the face with it?

If that's what you don't mind happening in the future then stay with him.

You and your child, especially your child deserve to feel safe and secure 100% of the time.

frozendaisy · 27/08/2023 20:08

Tell him it stops now. For the sake of his son. No more chances and mean it.

Skethylita · 27/08/2023 20:13

I had a husband like this.

He once threw something and it accidentally hit my very young DC. He first denied it, then was sorry.

It then also became road rage with my children in the car. And many a broken object, increasingly things that belonged to me.

Then, one night, he strangled me.

I am now divorced.

CurlewKate · 27/08/2023 20:18

Leave. Seriously. It will get worse. Leave.

Comtesse · 27/08/2023 20:18

I don’t count throwing a tea towel as problematic personally. I’d be more worried about losing patience when your baby is crying.

Sortmylifeout52 · 27/08/2023 20:22

Doesn't sound promising unfortunately.

You mustn't make excuses for him
Instead, you must begin to put a plan of action together, to either leave or lay the cards on the table and tell him that this is the last of this type of behaviour you ever want to witness.

It is unacceptable and worrying.

Look after yourself OP.

Sortmylifeout52 · 27/08/2023 20:25

Also, you mention DP becoming frustrated with your baby.

What if you are not around?
What if it is just DP and baby and baby won't stop crying? Would the frustration escalate?

TheYadaYada · 27/08/2023 20:32

I would never tolerate someone that lashes out. My friend had a partner who would punch walls, smash plates, kick cupboards.. When she told me, I could never think of him with even a modicum of respect. What a twat.

It’s so moronic. It just demonstrates a lack of emotional maturity and intelligence. There is no way in hell I’d expose a child to such awful behaviour.

Restinggoddess · 27/08/2023 20:39

All behaviour is a choice

He may have had a bad time model but he is an adult and has control
over how he behaves

He needs help
please don’t put up with this

Morag273 · 27/08/2023 20:59

I would be making plans to leave this relationship…

Good luck, OP.

Original poster

OutsideEveryday · 27/08/2023 21:12

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/08/2023 20:00

You have stated that his anger has been directed at inanimate objects but on a previous occasion he has told you to shut up. This represents an escalation and abuse often escalates. He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you rightly call him out on his behaviour, Anger management courses are NO answer to domestic violence.

There is nothing you can do to help him. Abuse is not a relationship issue, abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute here . It’s a short step also from hitting inanimate objects to hitting you.

What you are describing here is domestic violence and such men do not change readily if at all. Oh he may well know that what he is doing is wrong but he’s not doing anything himself for himself, let alone you and his child. He’s just paying lip service to this.

Re him this is indeed a learnt behaviour from his father. This is what he has learnt about relationships from his parents and indeed your son cannot learn that violent behaviour in a relationship is acceptable. Ultimately you and your son need to be apart from this man due to his violent behaviour. Be brave and make the break. How supportive are your parents here?. What friends and family members can you trust?.

Womens Aid are also well worth contacting here.

My Dad isn’t in the picture but my Mum would happily support me and DS. The thing that worries me mostly though is DS. Surely if the only examples I have are him throwing objects and telling me to shut up, that’s not enough for them to say he can’t see his child? So either way DS is going to witness it? Wouldn’t it be better if I’m there to protect DS rather than him be alone with his dad which at the moment would fill me with dread, to be honest.

OP posts:

Original poster

OutsideEveryday · 27/08/2023 21:14

Comtesse · 27/08/2023 20:18

I don’t count throwing a tea towel as problematic personally. I’d be more worried about losing patience when your baby is crying.

This is why I think is it just childish behaviour rather than violence? It seems more like a tantrum than DV to be honest. Am I being completely naive to think that?

OP posts:

nutmegnook · 27/08/2023 21:22

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/08/2023 20:00

You have stated that his anger has been directed at inanimate objects but on a previous occasion he has told you to shut up. This represents an escalation and abuse often escalates. He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you rightly call him out on his behaviour, Anger management courses are NO answer to domestic violence.

There is nothing you can do to help him. Abuse is not a relationship issue, abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute here . It’s a short step also from hitting inanimate objects to hitting you.

What you are describing here is domestic violence and such men do not change readily if at all. Oh he may well know that what he is doing is wrong but he’s not doing anything himself for himself, let alone you and his child. He’s just paying lip service to this.

Re him this is indeed a learnt behaviour from his father. This is what he has learnt about relationships from his parents and indeed your son cannot learn that violent behaviour in a relationship is acceptable. Ultimately you and your son need to be apart from this man due to his violent behaviour. Be brave and make the break. How supportive are your parents here?. What friends and family members can you trust?.

Womens Aid are also well worth contacting here.

'What you are describing here is domestic violence'

Is this classed as domestic violence? Would a social worker class those examples as 'domestic violence'?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/08/2023 22:05

@OutsideEveryday re being alone with your son, you need to discuss this with women's aid - if it's documented that he's abusive I don't think you'd be ordered to give him alone access - they will be the best placed to advise you on this. Don't tell him you're thinking of leaving him until you've spoken to them please as the two weeks after leaving are the most dangerous time.

It's also unlikely he'll demand to be alone with the baby when he knows he finds it hard he will probably just want to visit with you there - that's what my baby's father has been doing.

It will definitely only get worse.

talkitup · 27/08/2023 22:06

OutsideEveryday · 27/08/2023 21:14

This is why I think is it just childish behaviour rather than violence? It seems more like a tantrum than DV to be honest. Am I being completely naive to think that?

Show quote history

You may be being naive, yes. If your behaviour tells him that his behaviour is ok(ish) or that you think it's childish rather than a ramping up DV situation, then nothing will change until his behaviour escalates and he does something that makes you realise he's physically abusive and you and your DC aren't safe. Could you leave DC with a parent and have an honest conversation (potentially with someone else there) and tell him he needs to deal with controlling his temper or you'll end it, for the sake of your child's future at the very least.

Bobbybobbins · 27/08/2023 23:05

The tea towel eg in itself does not seem especially worrying but the fact you have posted about your DH's anger seems to suggest it is a pattern of wider worrying behaviour

VerityUnreasonble · 27/08/2023 23:17

I mean really, he chucked a tea towel on the floor and left the room, once told you to shut up and threw a sofa cushion down? It's not ideal but it's not really an outburst of rage.

He obviously is able to recognise and control his emotions because he notices when he is getting stressed by the DC (and I think everyone gets stressed by DC now and then) and does the right thing in making sure they are safe and leaving to calm down.

I don't think accusing him of domestic violence and calling for OP to LTB is needed here. But maybe sensible to have a calm conversation about what is and isn't ok when arguing and asking him to take the same responsibility he does with DC when stressed in other situations.

Poppyblush · 28/08/2023 06:07

You are being very naive

RantyAnty · 28/08/2023 06:32

You say your DP is worried about it. What does he plan to do about it?

Original poster

OutsideEveryday · 28/08/2023 07:42

RantyAnty · 28/08/2023 06:32

You say your DP is worried about it. What does he plan to do about it?

I spoke to him about it a couple of weeks ago, at first he was reluctant but then he agreed to get help and saw his GP. GP didn’t seem to take it too seriously (as in he didn’t do anything regarding mine and DS safety) which is partly why I thought this isn’t DV - surely a GP would know? Anyway he has referred him to online talk therapies but anyone who’s been referred for that before will know it’s a huge waiting list and we could be waiting months. I just don’t know what to do in the meantime.

OP posts:

Original poster

OutsideEveryday · 28/08/2023 07:48

Sortmylifeout52 · 27/08/2023 20:25

Also, you mention DP becoming frustrated with your baby.

What if you are not around?
What if it is just DP and baby and baby won't stop crying? Would the frustration escalate?

I’ve never left DS with him and never would, I don’t even leave the room.

OP posts:

Greenwitchhorse · 28/08/2023 07:48

For goodness sake leave this man and stop putting your child in an environment where one parent can't control his anger/emotions.

Everything you wrote sounds like you are trying to minimise his behaviour and to convince yourself that it is OK to stay when deep down I think you know this is just wrong.

He has taken no responsibility for his actions and your are the one having to push for/nag him to have therapy. You can't change people like that.

Again, you need to put your own safety and that of your child first.

It really saddens me when I read so many stories from women who are trying to gloss over and rationalise the fact that some men behave in unacceptable ways.

Greenwitchhorse · 28/08/2023 07:50

''@OutsideEveryday
I’ve never left DS with him and never would, I don’t even leave the room.''

You really need to think about what you have just written: you know you can't trust this man with his own child, so why are you still with him?

JanglyBeads · 28/08/2023 08:13

Presumably you weren't present when your partner consulted the GP, therefore you don't know exactly how he presented his problems to them?

A GP wouldn't sweep in automatically declaring that there is a serious risk of harm to you or your child unless very specific things were admitted to.

This is the beginnings of domestic violence, sadly.

Ring women's aid and talk it through with them, they are happy to take calls like this. They'll suggest ways forward for you and him. They don't automatically tell you to LTB!