To feel like I will be alone forever

[GlaceSundays]

Hi mumsnetters,

Just as the title says really.... :'(

I feel like my thinking has become really distorted when it comes to relationships, I am a 32 year old woman and have had two relationships, one long term throughout my twenties which had all the usual milestones like buying a house and getting engaged, however I ended this due to emotional abuse (shouting and silent treatment from my ex). That ended for good about 2 years ago, and since then I had a short relationship which ended this January with a guy that I massively fell for but who turned out to be not over his ex girlfriend and who broke up with me.

A lot has happened in the meantime and I have bought a flat near a major city where I am living alone. However I feel so hopeless when it comes to finding another relationship and being able to trust in men again. I don't want to become negative and jaded but I just really can't see a way forwards, it's like all I can see is darkness ahead, and it's making me so depressed as I just want someone who loves and respects me to spend time with and do things together with, as well as eventually start a family. I am so afraid that I won't ever find the one and will be alone forever that I have even started to consider if I made a mistake breaking up from my emotionally abusive ex.

I work from home everyday in a professional job that I don't particularly like and feel so depressed and isolated. I have tried so hard with online dating for the last year but nothing particularly great has come of it and I am just struggling to imagine how to find anyone that is a good match for me... I make an effort to join hobbies and see friends when they are available but as a shy person I find this quite exhausting and miss just having someone to spend downtime with. I have unfortunately always struggled with low self confidence and low self worth but have made a lot of strides to improve this over the last few years, although I feel like I am getting weaker and weaker from a lack of a solid relationship and someone who has my back and just gets me.

Any words of advice and encouragement would be much appreciated as I'm feeling so so low with many of my friends busy with their boyfriends, and my family being not particularly close or understanding of the situation and how it is affecting me.

Thanks x

You are still young, I understand how you are feeling however 32 is still young enough. I would make some steps to fill your live with outdoor hobbies and meet new friends. Love will come whenever you don't expect it but for be able to identify it you need you fell ok with yourself.

I met my husband at 33 and was feeling the same as you OP. I too had just come out of a long relationship and was anxious about the future. When you look back I am now aged 50…. 33 is actually pretty young still and you have time. I met my husband in a pub!

Bump

I think with can be lonely if u live alone. It didn't suit me during lockdown. If I were you I would try and join some clubs to get out. I too fund the isolation too much st times. When you feel.more settled then consider looking sgsin. If u r more settled yiu might be more alert to red flags. Good luck OP.

I find working from home quite isolating when you live on your own. Could you maybe go and do your work in a pub/coffee shop for a few hours? It gets you out and the bonus is you get to talk to people even if it is just chit chat/small talk to the bar staff.

I've found the gym has helped my self-esteem, it's something I do on my own but I know I feel good afterwards. You could then join classes which helps you actually talk to people.

Thanks everyone, I guess I am just finding it hard to keep faith that I will meet someone x

I agree that 32 is young. So have hope.

However, in your position, I think I'd shake up my life a bit - why not take a career break & go travelling, or go work abroad for a year or more?

Rent out your flat?

@mumyes thanks, I have actually lived abroad before and have travelled extensively so I'm looking for a bit more stability at the moment, however this may be something I consider in the next few years if I am still single. X

I'm a few years older than you and in the same boat, sort of. Spent most of my 20s with someone that became progressively worse towards me and then I left him after more than a decade. Because of my age, it's extremely unlikely I'll have kids now. Most men are married with kids and those that aren't are often that way for a reason (like my ex is now).

On top of that, I can't afford to buy a decent house or flat and I work in an unstable job. I've tried a dating app but didn't find a single man to be truly attractive on there. I have resigned myself to a life alone and knew this was a possibility when I left my ex, but staying with him made me unhappy in a different way.

although I feel like I am getting weaker and weaker from a lack of a solid relationship and someone who has my back and just gets me

I think working on your self-esteem should come first and I hope that you are not looking for a relationship to prop it up somehow, to seek validation.

@GlaceSundays I know it's easy for others to say this, but I really do believe life without a partner can be fulfilling and good and positive and wonderful.

Being totally honest, for me not having a child would not have fulfilled me. But I don't think I felt this way until I'd had my child so maybe I'd just never have thought any differently if I'd not had children.

I think of you truly invest in friendships and any existing family you have, life can be genuinely wonderful without a significant other.

I have found that giving to others is a way of being fulfilled.
Fostering etc

2 years after what, a decade long(?) abusive relationship is not long single. And that wasn't even 2 years entirely single. I think your perception is s bit off-beam here.

Have you done any counselling or the Freedom Programme?

It's most important that you are in a good place within yourself to choose a decent guy, as it's quite common for people who have been in abusive relationships to fall into further toxic relationships.

I would look to rebuild your self-esteem with counselling and starting to feel yourself worthy and a good catch, which you clearly are, rather than focusing on not having that relationship yet.

Thank you everyone for your advice