Why am I upset over someone I didn’t like?

[Cate87]

I’m a 35 year old woman and find it so hard to meet people. I met this woman online, we went on 2 dates. I wasn’t sure if I liked her but was willing to give the 3rd date a go. Before this though my anxiety struck because I felt she was very keen, a bit too keen. She was willing to work around my anxiety and take things slow. Her saying that made it worse, like we were going to be in a relationship. She was honestly so lovely but at the time I didn’t feel a spark. After the 3rd date I said I couldn’t continue. We agreed to have space and see if we could be friends in a few weeks. I messaged her and she quite coldly said she didn’t want to be friends as she’d met someone else. Didn’t even want to chat on WhatsApp.
I don’t know why this upset me so much to the point where I’m crying daily for the past week. I do have some work to do on myself anyway. I have this huge fear of being alone forever. I’m feeling lost.

I mean this kindly but if she was dating she wanted a girlfriend not a friend. You dumped her- of course she's going to be cold. 🤷🏻‍♀️

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I know, and I don’t blame her in the slightest. I can’t figure out why I’m so upset though. It’s driving me mad

I've flip flopped in the past like you and been hurt when they moved on. It's related to self esteem- you were flattered you seemingly liked you so much but that was shattered when she apparently moved on so quickly. You probably need to be single for awhile. Have you recently come out of a long term relationship?

Probably because she seemed keener on you than you were on her, so being rejected came as a big shock? The dynamic where you had more "power" was suddenly switched around completely - rug pulled out from under.

I’ve been single for 10 years. I find dating apps exhausting and anyone I meet in real life is always straight. I’ve never actually been in a relationship with a woman but I’m so ready for it I just need to find the spark.

That makes sense actually.

It can be very comforting and a balm to a fragile confidence to have someone being very keen on us. Because she wanted a relationship she no doubt said and did all the right things to make you feel you'd met someone lovely who held you in high regard. Her cold message has stripped away both of those things. She is no longer being lovely and (to you) doesn't hold you in enough regard to be a friend.
However as PPs have already said, she wanted something different and so has made the best decision for you both. A friendship where one wants more and the other doesn't is an emotional minefield and would not be helpful for your anxiety.