Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Where to go from here.......

10 replies

overwhelmed78 · 27/08/2023 10:36

In a relationship for 11 years, and the last year has been really hard work tbh. My partner didn't have a great upbringing and both parents are deceased, this week is the anniversary of his dad's death and he does find it difficult. His way is to drink, which means that he usually ends up telling me all my failings. Last night he said something that hasn't sat well with me, some things were really personal digs, and he also said that he can't live with it anymore that I am bossy, etc.

The bossy comment is related to the fact I have advised that he isn't a very nice person when he has had a drink and he thinks I exaggerate, he said it's over and that he loves me but needs to be able to live his life the way he wants to, i.e. be able to drink when he wants.
Other frustrations are the fact that we don't have a lot of money, we both work but like everyone are feeling the pinch of rising costs. I also have made mistakes in the past which hasn't helped. I had a parking fine outside my own house which I totally forgot to pay, then all of a sudden year later the balifs are outside demanding £350.

One of the things is that he has 'carried me for 11 years' that I should of worked full time despite the fact that I physically couldn't as we have zero help with childcare etc. We don't scream or shout at each other, but sometimes it can get a little bit personal with hurtful comments.

Neither of us has a support network and we don't have anywhere else to go, yet it doesn't feel like we want the same thing anymore.

Has anyone else had this?

PLEASE NOTE- This is my first time posting and it's taken a lot for me to do it, so no nasty comments, please.

OP posts:

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 27/08/2023 10:41

One of the things is that he has 'carried me for 11 years' that I should of worked full time despite the fact that I physically couldn't as we have zero help with childcare etc.

Joint children? Ask him why he didn't step up so you could work full time.

It does sound as though your relationship is over. He's found a new love (alcohol) so you need to start looking at the practicalities. Who owns/rents the house, if children are his then start cms proceedings etc

Original poster

overwhelmed78 · 27/08/2023 10:50

I did do that and asked why couldn't we change hours then to which he replied that I wouldn't earn as much as he would, however, I did offer to do this years ago.
If I am honest I am a bit scared. I feel a bit like I have been punched in the stomach. I am not perfect by any stretch, but I am a good mum, yet that seems to be in question because I have been with my kids and worked part-time when I apparently SHOULD have been working full-time.

When the kids were small I would work evenings and leave for work when he came home. In the last two years since the kids have been in school I have changed roles and now work 30 hours a week, I am also doing a degree full-time with open uni so that takes up time too.

I have nowhere to go, we don't owe the house, no money to be able to just go and rent somewhere. I know I am not expected to do all this less than 24 hours after it, but I still feel overwhelmed by it all.

OP posts:

Strawberryapples · 27/08/2023 10:51

Sounds awful. Having come out of a relationship where he would always pick at my faults and be nasty (often only in little, joking ways, but still hurt) I feel you.
In a relationship with a kind man now and he is by no means perfect but he makes me feel much much happier. No constant digs and feeling self conscious. He is kind and makes me feel safe and happy.
Life is hard enough wo loved ones bringing u down.

Original poster

overwhelmed78 · 27/08/2023 10:58

Strawberryapples you are right, I have been in a relationship before which has broken down, This one was my kind man, but last few years it's changed. I can't help thinking it's me, but then some of the comments I hundred percent know are not true. The funny thing today he is waiting for me to bring it all up and have a go at him, but I have just ignored it and carried on with my day. I feel like I need time to process it.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 27/08/2023 10:58

He's told you that his alcohol addiction is a higher priority to him than you are. Lots of people have 'had this', but most of them don't get told outright. He's done you a favour.

caringcarer · 27/08/2023 11:00

Sadly it sounds like your relationship has run its course. If he won't cut back on the booze and makes nasty comments to you when drunk. Is the house you live in privately rented or LA/HA? Would he want shared custody of DC or would they live with you and he have every other weekend and one night midweek? You need to start thinking about what you want and what would be best for the kids. If you are not married you won't get to share the pension he has built up over the years by working full time. If you asked him to leave the house do you think he would go? If he did you could apply for Universal Credit and would probably get help towards rent too. You'd get a top up if working 30 hours with DC. You need to stop factoring in what is best for him and concentrate on what's best for you and DC. If you are doing a degree it sounds as if in the future you could get an upgrade on your job. Get in a claim to CMS as soon as he leaves. It's best to keep it formal. Your CMS payment won't affect your UC. Sorry it's not worked out for you OP. Keep strong and focussed.

Original poster

overwhelmed78 · 27/08/2023 11:05

Thank you for your messages. Its hard to read 'prioritising alcohol' and 'run its course' but only because I know that you are right!!!!

It's privately rented and he doesn't have anywhere to go, he said he needs to stay until he saves money, then clever by saying 'it's not what he wants' so it seems like I am throwing him out. I am not biting.

Kids are ours and they will definitely stay with me. Not sure how it will all work out and I know that I need to look into it all.

I am on here when I should be doing uni work lol.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 27/08/2023 11:18

What's clever about making it 'seem like' you're throwing him out? Can you not grasp that and run with it, rather than shying away from it?

'If you're trying to make it seem like I'm throwing you out, you're right: I'd like you to leave.' will stop him trying to manipulate you into looking like the 'baddie'

This might help you both work out the best plan:

https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 27/08/2023 11:29

It's privately rented and he doesn't have anywhere to go, he said he needs to stay until he saves money
Who is it rented to, joint or him? And you need to stop caring where he lives. He's a big boy. Your priority is a roof over your head with the children. He works full time, he can afford to leave (if he stops drinking). You could be nice and tell him he needs to move out in 2 months, or do you think you could save up enough deposit in that time? Cut back on treats, takeaways etc until you have it?

FreeRider · 27/08/2023 12:37

Have to agree with @Watchkeys - if he wants to go with the 'you are throwing me out' trope, let him. Who cares what anyone else thinks, it's none of their business anyway.

Being able to drink when he wants is more important to him than you and your children. That alone, let alone all the other bullshit he's come out with, would make me start making plans to get rid.

Flip