Cut things off - right choice?

[Lemonsole1]

Around three months ago, an ex partner (4 year relationship) got back in touch with me wanting reconciliation.

I ended our previous relationship as over time he had episodes of being unpleasant - where he became incredibly paranoid about me going out, was very reactive, and blamed it all on one of his parents passing away and feeling emotional because of that. I tried my best to work through things and show consideration to the fact he was going through a loss, but the unhealthy behaviour continued and I ended up feeling incredibly anxious and unhappy. I still loved him, but the relationship was ruined.

When he got back in touch earlier this year, I agreed to meet up and discuss things. He was full of promises and spoke about all the issues we had, that he had been to therapy and wanted to start over with me. I said I was happy for us to start seeing each other, as long as we took it slowly.

Things were great at first - he planned thoughtful dates, was very kind, it all felt positive. But over the past two weeks he has slipped up a few times - he cancelled a date last minute this weekend (an hour before we were due to meet up, I was already on the way) and when I expressed I wasn’t happy about this, he blew up at me. He phoned me up incredibly aggressive, telling me how self centred I am and that the world doesn’t revolve around me. He also told me that no man would want to deal with a woman who behaved this way over a cancelled date.

Theres no further background to that story - I literally just said ‘it’s a shame you have cancelled so last minute, I’d prefer more notice in the future’. His reason for cancelling was that he felt hungover from the previous night.

Anyway, last night I sent him a message ending things and explaining that I no longer felt a romantic connection to him based on a few things which have happened, etc. He hasn’t read the message yet, but I imagine he will either ignore it or throw an angry tantrum.

I know logically I have made the right choice to cut it off before it got worse - but emotionally, I’ve spent quite a few years believing this man is the love of my life. Please can wise mumsnetters give me a reality check on this? I have a nagging feeling that I should have somehow ‘tried harder’ to make it work.

Thanks in advance!

You’ve absolutely done the right thing.

He hasn’t changed, he’s abusive and it will only get worse. Block him and go no contact x

Yes you’ve done the right thing. The error was dating him again at all after his behaviour last time.

You've definitely done the right thing, he does not sound like a catch at all.

If he's the problem not you, why should you be the one "trying to make it work"?

Onwards and upwards, this one's a dud.

Read up on co-dependency.

No man would want to be with a woman who did that?

Why do you think he said that? What was his motive?

Oh, sorry. In answer to your actual question, you have an anxious attachment style. It means that when things go wrong in your relationship, you feel you have failed.

It comes from having a primary carer who is on and off with affection, so we learn that we have to 'try' to be loved.

I was like this. Someone said 'The only thing wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you.' Same goes for you, I'd imagine.

End it for good this time.

At least you know now, at least this time you know that the right thing to do is to end it. Even knowing that you have a 'line' and would be prepared to end it, he still ''blew up'' at you.

Whatever the reason is, you are the one on the receiving end of that. So the why is not the issue for you. The why is the issue for him to figure out, alone.

Making sure you're not on the receiving end of it is the part you can fix.

xx

''I know logically I have made the right choice to cut it off before it got worse - but emotionally, I’ve spent quite a few years believing this man is the love of my life. Please can wise mumsnetters give me a reality check on this? I have a nagging feeling that I should have somehow ‘tried harder’ to make it work.''

It hasn't ended well, and you know there's another 'attack' coming when he's read your message but you are now free from doubt. You are now free from believing that he was some great love that slipped away. Nope. it ended because he's bad tempered and aggressive and blames you for his own shabby failings and nothing has changed.

Whatever attack comes your way when he reads your message, I'd respond ''thank you for giving me such absolute clarity that this is the right thing''