Partner shows anger in unhealthy ways

[OutsideEveryday]

Hi, this is my first post so still figuring this out!!

Just had my first DS (8 weeks old) me and his dad have been together a year and a bit - I got pregnant very soon into our relationship.

DP has occasionally shown anger during our relationship in a physical way. To be clear it’s never directed at me or any other person, only objects.

Examples - he had a stressful day at work, was cooking sausage and mash and burnt the sausages. He threw a tea towel down on the ground and stormed out the room.

Another time when I was heavily pregnant we were arguing and I said I was tired, as I was walking out the door to go to bed and he told me to shut up.

Since DS has been born he has only shown it once, last night when we were bickering and he threw the sofa cushions down and said he was annoyed that he had ‘ruined’ the evening.

DP also gets frustrated with DS when he cries but has never shown anger and knows that when he gets annoyed to put DS down safely and leave for 5 mins (or give him to me).

DP is amazing otherwise, honestly the kindest and most thoughtful person 99.9% of the time. Just when he’s angry, it’s like a different person. His dad was very angry when he was a child so may be a learned behaviour I guess.

But I am worried that this will keep happening and I won’t be able to protect DS from it forever, he will eventually see this anger and I worry about the impact it will have on him and his behaviour, he will think it’s ok to throw things when you’re angry.

DP knows I am worried and he doesn’t want DS seeing it either.

Is there anything I can do to help him? What can I do to protect little one and stop him from seeing this and behaving the same way?

Get out. The anger will eventually be directed at you and your child. Your baby doesn't need to grow up learning to walk on eggshells.

Hey OP.
How's it going now?
I am in a similar situation. Having a baby, on top of usual life, work etc, put a huge amount of stress on us parents. My understanding is that it is only natural (and often useful) for us to get angry at times but as your post title suggests how we express is very important and intervention is needed to break patterns. In this case of verbal attacks when angry.

Partner and I had a good talk after the last argument and are putting a few things in place to change things.
He is going to get counselling to help him to process and express his emotions in a healthy way.
We are going to have regular 'meetings' when we are calm to express resentments and not let things get to a head.
We start to prioritise time for ourselves over family time for now so he has opportunity to let off steam. And we anticipate having a bit of both will get easier as DC gets older.

Partner had to want to change which I think is key (has taken a year of these arguments to get to this point!). I am hopeful the above will help.

Hopefully your situation is improving and maybe these suggestions will resonate with you. All the best :)

@climber92 Hey, thanks so much for your reply. Sorry, I don’t check this often!

Things are really good now. DP went to therapy, for over a year, and it has taught him so much. I actually posted this again a few days after this post, to try and get a few more responses, and almost everyone told me to leave. Maybe I didn’t explain it well, but I’ve been with abusive partners before and DP is not like that. I knew in my gut that it wasn’t an abusive behaviour pattern, but more a side of him that actually most people have. I’m not perfect either, I’ve slammed doors when I’m angry, I’ve gotten overly upset and said nasty things to him during arguments. Him throwing a tea towel and telling me to shut up is no different. I think we hold men to such higher standards in terms of expressing anger, and we often jump to the conclusion of ‘he’s abusive’ without applying the same standard to women’s behaviour. But like I say, that might be my failure to explain it well.

What I will say is, it’s very important to trust your gut in these situations. I know who DP is deep down and it doesn’t bother me that other people on the thread said I should leave him. I didn’t leave him and I don’t regret it. He is and continues to be the best partner and father to my child I could have asked for.

I did, however, have very deep conversations with him, without judgement, and he told me a lot about his childhood and trauma. We spoke about how and why the behaviour was unacceptable and he completely understood that. We also had regular conversations as you plan to, and he took on more of a ‘hands on’ role with DS from that point onwards.

Could not agree more with your point about having a baby, we were also buying a house at the time, so 2 of the most stressful things you can do at the same time. I think there’s a certain level of forgiveness to be had and we have to accept that no one is perfect. When I spoke to friends, they actually told me their partners had done similar when stressed (throwing tea towels, etc).

All I can tell you is mine is a positive story, about how my DP struggled a lot with becoming a father, but I stuck by him and I couldn’t be prouder of what he’s achieved. Our son is 18 months and we are now expecting baby number 2.

Climber - I really hope you have the same outcome, all the best 🫶🏻

@OutsideEveryday
Really glad to read this update and that things have improved for you!

My marriage was an abusive one as it turned out. Reading 'why does he do that' (you can Google for a free pdf if you haven't already) helped me identify this and lists the ways you can tell whether they have really changed. He didn't go to counselling in the end and found a way to blame that on me. I have since left and have been realising that I was being controlled without knowing and the tactics have ramped up (or been easier to spot?!).

Wishing you and your family all the best and congratulations on your pregnancy 😊

@climber92
I’m so sorry your marriage didn’t turn out the way you wanted and deserved. But I am pleased to hear you realised what was happening and had the courage to leave, you’ve absolutely done the right thing for yourself and your baby.

Yes I have read that, brilliant read, and also ‘the body keeps the score’ which has taught me a lot about trauma (both my own and DP’s).

I really hope you are in a better place now and hope all the best for you and baby for the future 🫶🏻

Ooh I started the body keeps the score a few years ago, need to read it properly, thanks for the reminder!

Thank you so much. Enjoy your little ones 💕