Need help to process this, accept its over?

[Mugworttea]

Long post warning!
I met someone 2.5 years ago and we became very close, very quickly..We had an emotional bond and both have shared traumatic experiences ( I've since been researching trauma bonding). I have had 2 previous longterm relationships but realised I've never really been in love until this person. We became engaged last year, but unfortunately at the end of last year/ start of this year, we both had a lot of pressure from external circumstances that took a lot of time up. We weren't able to physically see each other a lot. This was such a big change from seeing each other most days/nights. I did begin to feel lonely and worried things would be like this forever snd expressed this to him, but he reassured me we'd get through everything together.

That's when things became very confusing. He completely shut down on communication and somehow we seemed to cool things off. If I'm honest, I don't really know what happened. I asked him if we could talk about things and he said once he felt better, and that day never seemed to come! I know this is a trauma response for him.

I decided to fully concentrate on myself and getting myself well and stable. It's weird because I never cried over it, I suppose I maybe always hoped we'd pick things back up once the pressure was off him in other areas of his life. We kept in touch briefly over the last 4 months.

About a month ago, I reached out and told him I missed him and wanted to work things out. I felt guilty for not trying, and for becoming insecure. He said he thought of me every day and night and nothing about his love for me had changed. I said I felt the same and couldn't see my life without him in it. We met up and it was like we'd never been apart. We slept together, we talked about the past and the future, he said he was still going to marry me. We met up once again a few days later. This was two weeks ago.. since then he's blown hot and cold. It's been really torturous for me, I felt like I was in limbo. He said he was having a problem with work and that was why his communication was slow. I worried he was shutting down again and explained that worry to him ( I am not generally a needy or desperate person, but I felt like it in this situation). I was tore between giving him space, but also that I wasn't getting any reassurance or clarity. My gut told me something wasn't right and a few days ago I pushed him to talk. It's come out from him (by mistake really) that he met someone else around the time our communication broke down at the start of the year. He accidentally sent me something of a sexual nature about him and this woman. Hes not really explained it well, says one minute it wasnt sexual, then it was but no actual sex. He became defensive and said I'd no real right to be upset as we weren't 'together' now. He also said ( smugly) that he's talking to another person online recently. I feel in total shock. He's made out he was just trying to bulid up the confidence to end things with these other people, before coming back to me. After being really defensive, he did say he should of told me and apologised. He said this OW from the start of the year was an emotional thing to help him deal with triggers over our relationship showing signs of breaking down.

I've felt so lost and like I'm living in a bubble. I'm questioning my whole reality of the past nearly 3 years. Problem is, deep down I still love him and I think I'm still waiting for him to get in touch and say everything's going to be okay. I know I need to move on, I used to read and hear stories of women saying this about toxic relationships and I never understood until now. I know this isn't good for me, yet all I can think about is how close we were and im struggling to picture a life without him. I cant find any hate for him. I truly won't love anyone else. I know I'm grieving and going through different cycles, I'm scared to move past this grief because on the other side is acceptance and there's some part of me that doesnt want to let him go.

Does anyone have any kind advice, anyone been able to move on and find peace after a similar situation? Thanks for reading this far!

Time is your friend. This man is not your friend or fiancé. It is normal to be very hurt, but time will heal this. I would go for a clean break and end the relationship full stop.

Thank you @blisstwins . To be honest, he hasn't contacted me since this all came out. He apparently can't handle this stress ontop of his work stress. So as it is, I'm back in no mans land with no real closure! Suppose it has ended, he's just not said it. Its humiliating. I'm unusually a very independent person, just been crippled with this the past month. On the waiting list for counselling which will help sort out why I seem to accept this treatment. Its just a bit of disbelief. This was not the same person I was with for 2 years. He was my best friend.

I don't have much advice to offer but I am in a similar position, I have been seeing a guy for just over a year, completely fell for him but have since discovered he has been on a dating app the whole time (the one we met on) we were never boyfriend and girlfriend but it still hurt so much.
I always thought I would be the type of person that would end things if anything like this happened and I haven't and have still continued seeing him knowing he's on the dating app. Madness isn't it! Recently he has become really distant and not as into me anymore so I'm thinking he has met someone.
For me it's a textbook head over heart situation, and the heart is winning. I also don't want to accept it as it's too painful to imagine him with another girl.
I know if I was on the outside and this was happening to my friend , I would be telling her to get rid as he is no good. I need to take my own advice.
I'm sorry that you're hurting, I would like to give you advice but would feel like a hypocrite to be honest. I know the right thing for both of us is to move on and focus on our own lives but it's hard when you're still in love with someone.

“…he met someone else around the time our communication broke down at the start of the year.”
Of course he did, and that’s why he stopped communicating with you, and effectively ghosted you.

He was seeing someone else and that’s why “he completely shut down on communication”.
None of his behaviour was a “trauma response”.
He’s a cheating arse and he’s utterly played you.

Honestly, bin this one off. You deserve much better.

Thank you for sharing your experience @Divorceguilt . I'm sorry to hear you are experiencing the same thing and feelings but thank you for understanding. Absolutely I've thought about what I'd tell a friend in this circumstance, and I'm struggling to take on that advice. I suppose a saving grace is that he is ghosting me again, so I've got time to bulid myself back up snd get prepared to tell him to fuck off if / when he were to get in touch. I'd stupidly still entertain him if he wanted to talk openly now. So like a pp said, only time will sort this. I hope you are looking after yourself and doing whatever you need to, to get space from this guy. I know we deserve better. Silly irrational heart wanting things of the past!

Thank you @CheesusWept , I needed to hear that. And keep having that thought when I pine for the cheating arse!

@Mugworttea I used to wrongfully judge if women stayed with men who were bad for them when everyone around them could see it but now I get it as I've done the same.
I am considering blocking him, I did do that before though to try and get over him and do the no contact thing but then he came to my house and won me over.
That was several months ago, I think if I block him this time , I doubt he would go to the trouble of coming to my home as I can just tell he's not as into me anymore and that in itself is hard to swallow.
Also because we have some history together as it's been over a year, I feel like it would be cruel to just block him out of the blue like that.

Could you block him or would you find it too hard to do that? The good thing about blocking someone is they can't keep reeling you back in through messages or calls unless they show up at your door!

@Divorceguilt it was only this morning that I realised i had the option of deleting his number! It never crossed my mind. I think I've been kept sitting, waiting for him. It's embaressing. I'm a professional woman! I considered blocking him but I think it would eat me up wondering if he's reached out with an explanation. I'm still confused. I've deleted his so I can't embaress myself any further. And his silence over the next while will help me confirm his words meant nothing. I'm a right mug. I also have more empathy for women getting stuck here. It's been a full day since we've spoken and the longest NC since we reconnected last month. Maybe a week under my belt, I'll feel better!

Oh how awful for you. I want to tell you what helped me, and I know it’s going to be hard to hear.
backstory: my fiancé blew hot and cold like this, and then finally broke things off three weeks before the wedding.

I was devastated, and wanted to stay “friends” with him, since I didn’t want to lose our closeness which seemed to me like “best friends” at the time.

my therapist at that time gave me advice that it took me 6 months before I could follow it: he said I wouldn’t be able to even see the abuse clearly until I had been absolutely no contact with this man for a year at least.

so the advice is to cut off all contact. To block him fully, and not allow yourself to look him up at all. He is ghosting you? Fine, let him encounter a completely bricked up wall when he thinks to get in touch again.

i had to get an app to help me - the “mend” app helps you track how long you’ve been no contact. It also has meditations to do etc. but if you don’t want to (or can’t) get the app, you could do it for yourself , track every single day that you do not look him up, and he stays blocked. Like an alcoholic - you need to go day by day.

and it DID help me. I went from someone who still thought this was my best friend, to someone who could finally see the ways he manipulated and used me. This “friendship” was so one-sided, and I could finally see it; it just took time and distance from his manipulative words and the sweet things he’d do. My brain would latch on to every nice thing he said or did, and forget the rest.

when it’s a toxic cycle like this, there is nothing to do but block him. On all avenues AND energetically - look up a cord cutting ritual and do it. I know it sounds “woo,” but it’s something to focus on. To just help your heart, body and mind keep remembering that he does not deserve access to you. He doesn’t deserve to be thought of as much as you are thinking of him now. Your mind needs to get used to a new life in which he isn’t your first and last thought of the day.
by jerking us around like this, they make SURE we are thinking of them, worried, and just focused on them all the damn time.

so get in a hot bath and clear yourself of him- I used to take several baths a day, just to tell my body, mind and heart that I was washing him away and shutting him OUT.

it takes time - but it is well worth it. As you build your walls against him, your self worth will build, so that no one will ever be able to treat you like this again. The first sign of this shit, you will drop them and walk away- and it will feel SO GOOD.

Give it time, and keep writing here if you need support.

you can do this!

You’re not a mug - good people, professional, talented, smart people are the targets for these types, because they want to look good.

I really do encourage you to block him, though. Nothing he can say will help, it’s all just lies anyway.

Block this fool, right now. @Newnamehiwhodis gives good, practical advice. If you follow this advice, I guarantee in maybe a years time, you will re-read your post and be unable to believe that you put up with his shit. No judgement at all from me, I stayed in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship for far too long, but I learned a lot from it. His statement that the OW was an “emotional thing to help with your relationship going wrong” made me snort my coffee as well as the fact that he “can’t deal with the stress now”.
Let me translate his bullshit for you. He has been shagging someone else on the side. He got caught, because he was thick enough to message you by mistake. He now can’t be arsed to face the consequences. Trauma, my arse, he is your typical, garden variety shagger. This disloyal, lying lump of shit doesn’t deserve one second more of your time or your head space. Block. Delete. Ignore is your only option and, in time, you WILL recover. This weapons grade Twat is not your friend, he is your enemy. Treat him as such. Onwards and upwards op, there are much better things out there for you xxxx

Some brilliant advice on this thread. I do feel that someone can be an addiction and the only way to break free of it is to go down no contact route.
I was the same, if I block him, what if he gets in touch. What I have learned is to go by someone's actions and not their words. So many times it's been where a guy I'm dating, their actions are contradicting their words , especially when a lot of them do the whole lovebombing thing.

As a pp said, you're not a mug at all, you just fell in love with a dickhead, so did I and I know it and am currently trying to get myself out of it.

This, 100%

I really feel for you OP but unfortunately the only thing that can heal is time. And make sure to distract yourself as much as possible with friends and family. You really do need to accept that it's over. He wasn't the person you thought he was

You are obviously not ready to let go of this currently and sometimes you need to hit rock bottom with a person before you are ready. What will be that rock bottom? For this to happen again a third time? A fourth?
Unless you take positive action to distance yourself then there is always the potential of a message. I have heard people say "I don't want him to think he has that power over me where I need to block him". That's bollocks and we all know it! "I need an explanation for closure" Also bollocks! "Also because we have some history together as it's been over a year, I feel like it would be cruel to just block him out of the blue like that" ( I am aware that this is not you ) again just bollocks and hope! Any contact for you is positive contact in your mind because it is with him - no matter how bad it is, you want it. Your brain is currently addicted to this crap.
You need to free yourself from this "no man's land" that you have created. You could be running free or at least trying to in the opposite direction.This kind of things happens to many people so forget all the excuses on both sides.
You have the choice. I have been there and am now free! In fact I am embarrassed about my behaviour when I look back. I wonder how I could have been so stupid. Take the steps and one day you will be too - perhaps in a new relationship, the kind you deserve not with this prick of a man. Men like this will keep you dangling forever if you let them - you are an ego boost to them, something to do when they are bored or have nothing better to do.

Thank you all so much for the replies, I've woken up looking at my phone to see if he's messaged but coming on here has really settled my anxiety. I got 6 hours sleep last night which is the best sleep in weeks!

@Newnamehiwhodis sorry to hear you were treated that way, just before getting married must have been devasting at the time, but you sound in such a strong place now and dodged a bullet! Going to look up this app..meditation was something I knew would help. My mind is battered. It's funny you mentioned about the cord ritual...I went out yesterday and got some things from a lovely local shop to help me do this, not woo for me at all. I feel my energetic body really does need help to heal...I think taking it back to basics and maybe writing myself out a 'get well prescriptive list' this morning is a good idea. Thank you for understanding and giving me that guidance...you sound in a great place and reading your post gives me hope that I won't feel like this sometime. Much love to you.

@Buildingthefuture your 'translation ' made me smile. Thank you for cutting through the bullshit. Yesterday morning, when I deleted his number it felt freeing. But this morning I woke up and first thing I did was check if he'd messaged. I know in my heart that any trust I had was broken- he still tried to twist is so that he was the victim and he still tried to breadcrumb me, hence the me finding out about OW, but still sitting 3 days waiting for him?. Ridiculous. He tried to say it only became sexual a few days after we 'broke up'...even though it didn't actually ever lead to sex? Total headfuck. I think I've been waiting for him to show some level of kindness so that I don't look back on the last few years as a complete lie. But maybe to get well, I do need to stop wanting that and accept my own version of events. I've found his number in my call log from March so going to block it later if I can!

@Divorceguilt I was just thinking last night how this feels like an addiction. Maybe if I treat it like that, I will help put and stick to a plan to get better. This isn't love, I couldn't imagine treating anyone like this. And I've excused it too long. Time to find our self esteem and dust if off I feel!!

Thank you @WunWun , going to have that mantra today when the pining feeling comes ' He wasn't the person you thought he was'.

And it's in past tense!

Thank you @MrsFiddle . I needed to hear that. Reading your bit about this happening in more cycles made me feel ill, I don't think any part of me could take another round of this. A wake up call at the thought of that. I've creates this no man's land and I can let myself out, you are right. Yes you are right, ive still got some hope and thats the only reason ive left it u blocked. I realku couldnt do another cycle of this. Empowering to read how you've overcome this type of thing, thank you for your support. Today is another day towards being free.

Hi, I just wanted to update. Its been one week since it came out that he was being dishonest at some point over our relationship. I admit I did message him twice since this, but i have deleted his number and all messages. It's been 3 data of NC and each day is getting easier. This was my first relationship post divorce and its interesting to see common threads on here saying it can be a tough break up.

What I've just come across on a different thread is the term DARVO and it's opened my eyes. I sort of was aware of the term, but I never put it into the context of this recent relationship. It explains exactly what had happened and why I've felt so confused. In my mind, I know this guy has cheated, but somewhere inside I believed it was my fault somehow. Master f*ing manipulation. Feel like clapping my hands to him. Heading into this weekend feeling much stronger and clear headed than I have felt in months. And letting go of self doubt.