Is he cheating, out of order or aibu

[Nomechanged]

My large post annoyingly deleted when I accidentally clicked on an ad for mumsnet voices but will summarise best I can.

some context- partner and I have been together a long time, currently in the thick of parenting and sleepless nights with a newborn and 3 year old. Therefore having very little sex and this has been going on for sometime. I have raised this on a few occasions, partner has said he has also had a few worries about that but nothing changes and that he never initiates that conversation makes me feel he’s not that bothered anyway. It’s gotten to the point I almost see him as not a sexual being as nothing seems to be happening in that department. He’s often stressed and tired from work pressures too. We sleep separately to settle the kids. Very early on in our relationship I found out he had approached another woman and flirted, the messages I suggesting they would hook up but he denied they went on to do that.

The other night having said goodnight to one another I remembered I had left something. We bumped into each other on the dark landing as he came out from the toilet. He had an erection, which he said was because he had been masturbating to pornhub. He was uncharacteristically jumpy and nervy though said this was due to being embarrassed about that. Whenever I’ve asked him about whether he watches porn he’s always said no and I had the impression masturbation rarely happens either. He was particularly stressed with work that night. It just doesn’t make sense to me when his usual M.o when stressed is to avoid sex that he would suddenly take it on himself to wank. If horny the kids were actually settled and he could have approached me. Is it unreasonable to be annoyed that with any horniness he does have that that hasn’t been channelled into our sex life.
I asked him to show me his history to show me the pornhub but he used incognito tab so there is nothing to show, I can’t help thinking that is convenient for hiding any cheating too. He was unable to describe the porn just said it was generic. It just doesn’t make sense to me that when so tired etc would go to wank like that when there are other options, or if he is to be believed and there is no sending images or whatnot is it fair that I feel annoyed that his energy isn’t being expended on us? I appreciate this may be the ramblings of my hormones, it is hard to express how out of character he was about being asked.
If it is a sign of cheating, he is pretty good with not leaving a trail so I would have no idea how I could work it out. Any thoughts?

He was having a wank. No big deal.

You should tell him next time to check if your up for it first

Jesus, poor bloke was having a wank. If he's stressed, then he probably just wanted a quick endorphin release to help him off to sleep, far quicker and easier than sex, especially when your in separate rooms and there's a good chance he'll get rejected.

If you want more sex, start facilitating it. Mention it before bedtime, or head to his room and jump into bed with him.

Most women aren't all that interested in sex with a newborn, he probably thinks he's doing the right thing not pressuring you and sorting himself out.

I think I know what you mean. He has always denied using porn but now you've bumped into him he immediately says he was watching porn but can't show you any proof. It does kind of sound like he was doing something worse for him to immediately admit to porn use when he has always denied it. Might he have been using only fans or be having an affair and so jumped in with I was watching porn' as an excuse?

I’d be annoyed if we weren’t having sex but he was using porn instead. Everyones boundaries are different, make sure yours sre clear.

Why does him having a wank mean he’s cheating. Sometimes people have a wank.

I guess it depends what he was wanking to - an image, someone on the phone, a cam girl, onlyfans or is he all in his head using his imagination. Is that really the question?

So he was wanking and then.....still had an erection? So either he didnt see it through (so to speak) or he is lying.

Yes I find it strange that he still had the erection?

Other than that though, none of us can know based on the facts given.

He may be messaging somebody and said porn because he was panicked. Is that likely? Do you have other reason to think that may be it?

Or he might just be having a wank rather than approaching you and possibly being rejected or made to feel like a pest.

I can't imagine how you could be up for it with a newborn to be honest, so maybe he thought the same.

You know they don't always deflate instantly like a balloon right?

It can be quite irritating when you're still wandering round with a semi 5 minutes later

I think the time of life you’re in at the moment is tough on relationships. Young children, sleepless nights, sleeping separately etc.
I know we definitely went through it with about & months of no sex!

I wouldn’t assume cheating, he was just having a wank.

why don’t you arrange a date night for you guys at home. Nice meal, movie and in bed together instead of separately

Even if its porn I can see your issue. Sex is gone, he seems unbothered by that, so you've reasonably assumed he had no/low libido. Turns out thats not quite the case. So there's sex of some form there, but it's outside the relationship.

Yeah I'd be asking what the deal was as well.

@Nomechanged

I think most people with a newborn and a toddler struggle with finding a balance between being joint childcarers and romantic partners.
Early days with babies are relentless - and adjusting to 2 is really hard for many.

In your place - instead of focusing on (and overeating to) his wanking - i’d try to think about what you two need to do to start re-connecting.
Sleeping in one bed - at least occasionally - is a natural start.

(as to - if horny why wank…. Many reasons people wank rather chose sex when tired - it is easier and faster. And when one is tired - helps to relax and fall asleep)

He probably just wanted to have a wank. Sometimes doing it on your own is easier for a quick endorphin release and helps you go to sleep.
I would be gutted if he was not having sex at all and then wanking but that's a separate issue.

As for not being able to describe the porn, it is quite personal, I would feel a bit weird if DH asked me to tell him about porn videos that I watched even though he's my husband.

Thanks for replies and ideas. Sorry for lateness responding - injured hand making typing difficult. I am very much a lurker usually apologies if the below isn’t the best way to respond!

@fdgdfgdfgdfg don’t forget, I know my partner. To my knowledge wanking when tired is out of character for him. He loves his early nights usually so was surprised he would delay bedtime for that.

@nameitagain this is precisely my worry!

@Kpcs this is a great idea. Definitely a gap in communication and I should make my feelings clear.

@Dotcheck i agree, wanking isn’t cheating. If it were that he was wanking my gripe would be that that energy isn’t being put into our sex life at all unless he is wanking for or to another woman for example.

@Grendell yes It changes depending on context ie other woman, only fans

@PyongyangKipperbang am not troubled by the erection loitering! Usual for him for it to remain a bit after coming.

@wineschmine my reasons are a previous history of at least emotionally cheating and not admitting to it.

An update- a top hit on google search came up as hook a date. Anyone aware of this site? It looks US based and to feature cam girls. According to history it was accessed twice in the last month. I don’t know if it’s one of these sites that can be easily accidentally clicked on or what but I suppose this could be what he was viewing. 😢I don’t even know my position on it but it does feel different to your usual porn if it is the case due to the interaction element…

I don't know the site but sounds like cams.

That is cheating to me but some see it as the same as porn. It's not. It's far more personal.

You need to talk. Although he will likely lie. Up to you then how you feel about it. I'd be gone, but I have zero tolerance for use of the sex industry in my relationships. No matter what my family situation. I'm sorry.