Are all mums critical?

[BargainHunters]

Are most mothers critical of their adult children?

I have to help support/care for her so have to see her daily.

When I say critical I am talking about things like comments on clothing “you’re not wearing that are you?” Will always ask about weight and weight loss, comments on my driving when I take her somewhere, what I’m eating and how it’s messing up my weight loss. I know I need to lose weight but find the questions etc hard.

If I ever pull her up on it she says it’s because she loves me so much and just wants the best for me and for me to be happy. That we’re her life.

When she lost something the other day, she immediately blamed me, asking me if I’d touched it when I’d not even been there. (She found it where she’d knocked it down.)

I have had therapy in the past and it all ended up centered around my mum, but that was a few years ago and I can’t afford to go anymore.

I would say I am close to my mum but the digs really do bother me. I know I’ll never change her, so just have to accept it.

Can’t go low contact as she needs daily support (whole other thread 😬).

How normal is criticism like this?

Does anyone have a lovely mum who never criticizes? What’s that like?

No, it's not normal. It's rather toxic actually. I have extremely critical parents and immediately recognised what you are telling here. It took me years of therapy to build self confidence as I was always picked on and criticised since I was basically a baby.

Thing is you know it's normal. You know it's not healthy. And yes normal nice lovely caring mothers aren't like this

I'm not surprised your therapy ended up centred on her.

I would focus on what you can do. You say daily care falls to you. I would make your priority finding someone else to take over.

This will destroy you. You don't need daily put downs from the person meant to be your biggest supporter.

It's super toxic. You need to protect yourself

NOT normal...

Sadly on the app so can't edit ...

If your mother requires daily care use her councils adult social care department to do this. She installed the fear, obligation and guilt buttons in you and you’re very much still mired in this FOG state. You owe her nothing really, let alone a relationship nor daily care for which she berates you.

i am also not surprised your therapy centered on your abuser of a mother. She was once young and abusive and now she is old and abusive. She has not change and will not change. I would also suggest you look at and post on the current well we took you to Stately Homes thread on these Relationships pages. Do read Toxic Patents by Susan Forward and look too at podcasts re critical mothers in YouTube. Look at the out of the fog website. Do consider finding a BACP registered Thera to work with, their fees I think have a sliding scale.

Not at all normal. And you are not responsible for your mother's care, you are fully allowed to step back and leave it to social services. Your mother is abusive and your self esteem and happiness will soar when you go very very low contact with her and live your own life.

My mother was always supportive of me and Dsis, and I am fully supportive of all of my own DC. What you are experienceing is abnormal.

Mine is quite negative. Gets draining. No not all mums like that.

It’s not normal. And you need a stock response, something like please stop saying things like that it upsets me, when she says it’s because she cares, no it’s not it’s rude. Rinse and repeat

My mother is like this, am nc, wasnt having this shit put on my dcs amongst other things

Mine is a bit of both. She can be really supportive in some ways are quite critical in others. Usually it’s either my parenting or things I do different to her in my house she’s critical of. I do try to keep my cool and explain that just because my way of parenting/doing things is different to hers doesn’t mean either of us do it wrong but just different but it has caused quite a few arguments over the years.

Are you me? 😅

When I point out to my mum that it’s rude, she replies that I’m over sensitive 🙄

My MIL was like this and for a while I tried desperately hard to please her. Until I just didn't try any more.

I really resonate with the comment that my happiness and sense of self worth shot up when I went low contact.

I have to help support/care for her so have to see her daily.

Why do you "have" to be supportive and caring towards someone who is not supportive or caring towards you?

No, my mum isn't like that. I don't think it's normal.

Wow she sounds like my mum!

I have adults DDs in their mid 20s and no I don’t criticise them. In fact DD2 commented recently that I had never commented on her weight.

I was in my 20s when I realised other people had mums who were loving and supportive.

I would detach yourself a bit. You don’t HAVE to be her carer. Put yourself first.

My mother is like this. She’s never been supportive or loving. I think she does love me but we’ve never had a good relationship. I am the only one living near her now who has the time to help and I’ve become her PA basically. My siblings get her love and support and money. I get nothing. I see her as rarely as I can and have stopped caring about why she behaves as she does. If she is rude and I say so, she never apologises, just glosses over it. We have had many periods of NC when I had had enough. You don’t need to see her daily. Spend as little time as you can with her and keep it to practicalities.

I’m sorry others have similar experiences. Wonder if their upbringing had an impact? 🧐