Am I expecting too much?

[Mummobile]

Hello everyone!

I'm reaching out today because I find myself at a bit of a crossroads and would dearly appreciate some outside perspective and perhaps advice from those who've maybe been in a similar situation.

A little background: My husband and I have been together for over 13 years, married for 10, and we're blessed with two beautiful children. We met when we were young, grew together, shared career paths, and had similar ideals about our future. However, since we've had our children, I've noticed a shift in our values and dynamics that's been hard for me to reconcile.

For instance, he doesn't uphold the same standards of cleanliness and hygiene as I do, which often leaves me feeling stressed and burdened with chores. There's also the issue with his family overstepping boundaries without him standing up for us, which has been a strain. I've also always envisioned my children having a close relationship with their extended family, but my husband doesn't share this sentiment and would prefer a more insular approach. In other words, he prefers to be isolated from people but I don’t… and this has transferred with how we are with family. Family have noticed this also… I should have known when I’d met him as he wasn’t particularly close to anyone ( family ), but he prefers being distant…. And I’m the opposite.

Another concern is his role as a father. I feel he's somewhat complacent, not fully engaged, and this has resulted in a lot of responsibility falling on my shoulders, which was a significant contributor to my anxiety when our children were born. I had this ideal that we'd have a close-knit village around us, but that hasn't come to pass. His complacency has been noted by others as well, and his communication style and lack of patience often paint him in a negative light. He's sought therapy to manage some anger issues, which I think may have stemmed from feeling overwhelmed by fatherhood.

On a day-to-day basis, we get along well as a couple, but I feel our partnership in forming a cohesive family unit is lacking. I sometimes wonder if he feels trapped in this life that perhaps wasn't what he envisioned, and I end up feeling like collateral damage.

I've been in this relationship for so long that I'm struggling to identify what's normal anymore. I see all these family perfect lives on social media and I think - that is definitely not us. Don’t get me wrong, we have lots of family time… it’s the fact that I have a family ideal evolving being a lot closer to everyone around us…. I'm left wondering if I'm being unrealistic in my expectations. Am I asking for too much? Or is it fair for me to want more for me and my children?

Insights, advice or experiences would be really appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

Thank you for sharing. I will need to think on how to go forward and when that decision needs to be made. I only want the best for them and want to give them the family dynamic they deserve.

I only want the best for them and want to give them the family dynamic they deserve

This is like saying you want to give your baby all the best chances in life, and you're going to wait until after you've worked out how to do that before you remove them from a burning building.

Get away from the fire. The fire isn't going to offer them what they want, and it's NOW.

The biggest reason why I haven’t just left is for my children’s well-being. I know that sounds hypocritical from the insights of others.

He has had a few aggressive outbursts towards my children, starting from when they were babies. He did something to be eldest that was not acceptable and was too rough with her care when she was in a lot of distress. She was simply crying and he couldn’t handle it. It was this that triggered me enforcing him to do something about his anger, and after a long wait he did manage to get some therapy. He has been a little too forceful with the children a few times here and there, but not often. He doesn’t completely hide it from the few times we’ve seen family either and they too have passed comment on him and his lack of patience.

I would be very concerned, at their age, right now , to separate and for them to be with their father where they won’t get the nurture they need or worse, his aggression escalates.

This is my biggest fear. I will alway put them first.

He is physically abusive to your children, and you stay with him for their wellbeing.

YOU. NEED. TO. GET. OUT.

He sounds horrible, OP, but his detachment from family life may assist here. You may find he has very little interest in seeing the children, if you split. In the meantime, your desire to stay until they’re a bit older makes sense from the perspective of keeping them safe.

OP. Would you leave if you could be confident he wouldn't get any custody with the kids?

Yes, I'd be surprised if he ends up wanting to spend time his children, let alone them staying with him.

He sounds vile. Did he even want children? Sounds like he resents them and is totally uninterested.

I doubt very much he would want much to do with them if you split.

Your update is even worse, OP. He sounds abusive towards you and the DC and that unfortunately there will be some risks to the DC when you break up and he is in sole charge for his portion of the time with them.

it sounds like you’re close to your family, suggest confiding in one of them?

it’s not ‘anger issues’ if he only behaves like this towards you and the DC.

He is an abusive husband and father. Can you document all abuse, if he is rough with a child tell your GP, call the police, scream the place down. Your obvious goodness will not be enough to manage this horrible man. You need help.

He sounds exactly like my father.

Didn't want my mother being close to her family, as he wasn't close to his.
Didn't want to do any of the 'less fun' parts of family life...was what is now called a 'Disney Dad'
Was also 'overwhelmed' by normal family life, to the extent of getting a job abroad when I was 9.
For more than a decade after that he was barely in our lives. He left my mother for another woman when I had just turned 21.

You ask if you are expecting too much - from a man who wants to be a father, it would be no. From this man, who obviously doesn't enjoy family life, yes. Please believe me when I say that's not going to change, in fact it will get worse...my father really gave up on the family life when my older brother turned 10 (he's a year older than me) and started to show a more individual personality....he was less 'biddable' and my father didn't like that.

You also ask if you should wait until your children are older to leave or do it now. Do it now. Don't let your children get older and begin to think this is how family life should be. Like other posters have pointed out, it is highly unlikely he will want 50/50 access, more like the bare minimum he can get away with.