If you have a partner with ASD how do you manage routines?

[Cantchangeit]

If there’s a particular way of doing some do you just stick with what keeps them calm or do you try to expose them to changes ?

Examples could be : having an alarm set for the same time regardless of what you are doing that day ? If it was a Sunday and you wanted a lie in would you turn the alarm off (but then they’d panic as it could mess up how they time to get things done)

Inviting people in unannounced - if they hated this would you still do it or would you just arrange to see people at set times or just out of the house

I wouldn’t make changes like that to accommodate someone tbh

I feel like it’s only small changes and it doesn’t seem like a lot but if we don’t do things a certain way it can ruin a whole day as in they just cannot function

@Shoxfordian you wouldn't want to try and make your partner's life a bit easier? The changes the OP has suggested aren't exactly drastic!

OP what works for one autistic person may not work for another so it's about working together to figure out strategies. Neither me nor my DH are diagnosed but we have one diagnosed DD and one awaiting assessment, DH is also awaiting an assessment for ADHD so our household has had to adapt to a lot of changes that are all different based on the individual's difficulties.

For example, we do not have unplanned visits - this is just as much for me as for our DD - everyone who knows us and cares enough to want to visit is accepting of this.

I imagine it's a good thing that you're not married to and autistic person or them to you.
OP it's a great but difficult question. I think there needs to be a level of compromise and open discussion. It can be really upsetting for someone who is autistic to have a routine changed. In my house it's sitting in the same seat. This makes no odds to me so happens. They are like to have a routine of pacing up and down. This is usually fine but sometimes it isn't if we have guests and they have to wait.

Try and talk about it outside of the house and explain why sometimes it might need to be changed or other alternatives that could happen. For example instead of an alarm could you get a vibrating alarm that doesn't wake you up, or on Sundays can you sleep in separate rooms?

It also depends how much it genuinely upset them and for how long. With the visitor thing, will they just find it annoying for a bit and get over it? Or will it make them constantly worried that somebody's going to pop over unannounced.

I think it is a very hard one as I worry that by sticking to all "the rules" they get more set in their ways but if we break routines that they get more stressed.

Obviously no 2 autistic people are the same so there will be no one right answer.

We have unspoken and spoken guidelines that seem to work.

Notice for workmen coming into the home.

No friends home from school or college without asking.

College Friends are allowed to stay over when we are away as a nod to compromise.

Friends of adults are planned unless it's immediate family and they always text before. So there is notice.

Routines tend to be very similar as that works for us. But routines are not rigid, just gentle guidelines.

I have found that the less regularly something is done the harder it is to reinstate. So a variety of experiences help in a controlled way.

Yes we accommodate, you want the best for those you love. But make sure your needs are being met too.

Obviously it depends on the person and the impact it has on them, that impact may not always be linear. My DD can handle a fair amount of change most if the time, but if she has had a stressful week, is rundown or tired then that level changes and routine is necessary.

My DD doesn't really like having people in her space, the rare friend she brings home go in the living room or garden never in her bedroom. she likes going to sleepovers at other people's houses but not having them at ours but feels like she's missing out so for her birthday I've booked a caravan in a holiday camp 2 miles away and taking her and her friends there instead.

I think if I was in a relationship with someone with ASD and I wanted to do something that interrupted their routine and cause them difficulties like switching off the alarm I would do that in a place that didn't impact them a spare bedroom etc

Everyone is very different both ND and NT.

Some compromise is normal on every good relationship. You just need to figure out if these things are things you can be happy to live with.

For me I find too much routine suffocating so there is only so much I would be able to incorporate into my daily life. (DC1 is autistic and manages well with my lack of a rigid routine for him).

Communication is key here along with patience and understanding from both sides.

My DH cannot leave the house if it isn't immaculate. When he used to do the school run when I was at work the kids were often late or teeth not brushed in the morning because he couldn't take them to school until he had the house perfect. He has learned over the years that sometimes it isnt practical to have the house perfect but still finds it really hard when things like school meeting impact on eating and tidying away times and will always be worried about how the house feels if we didn't have time to immaculately tidy before we went out. His answer to this is to make sure you eat exactly 2 and a half hours before going out anywhere so all tidying and clearing up can be done before you leave the house. As I said he has got better but still struggles. He washes up immediately after I have cooked and then eats his tea 20 mins later when it is cold but he can't sit down and see an unwashed pan (although he can't actually see it from the dining room he knows it is there!) !!

I would be myself. If my desire to meet my own needs was stronger than my desire for a harmonious household on a regular basis, I'd reconsider my relationship.

You're using an example where switching off an alarm is more valuable to you than your partner feeling comfortable and settled. I'd say that was pretty uncompromising, but everybody is different. It's our duty to ourselves to find someone who matches us, and to recognise incompatibility.