Why do men/women cheat and blame the partner? Is it ever justified?

[Thegreenpotter]

is cheating always the fault of the cheater. Are the cheaters excuses valid?

Of course it's the fault of the cheater. No, their excuses are not valid.

It's not the partner's fault the cheater got feelings (sexual and/or emotional) for someone else. It's not the partner's fault the cheater chose to follow those feelings through.

Alternatively, nobody can help how they feel - it's whether they choose to act on it that's the issue. Again, not the partner's fault.

The cheater tries to absolve their own guilt by deflecting - saying things like "if you wasn't like this that the other, I wouldn't have cheated" or "you drove me to it". No. The cheater chose to cheat - consciously or not.

The ones who pretend they're single to get what they want are the lowest of the low because that decision is intentional.

(I like this edit button :) )

I didn't see an edit button on my post. Does it only work for a short time?

The only fault of the previous partner is marrying them in the first place (with hindsight)
Difficult to know which ones are going to turn out to be unfaithful shits.

Because if they didn't blame the partner they'd have to look at themselves, and mostly people who cheat don't want to confront their own character flaws.

@TheAverageJoanne click on the 3 dots, bottom right of your post and at the bottom there's Edit post.

Not sure if it's a temporary/timed thing or you can only edit once - I've just tried to edit my reply again and the option is no longer there.

Personally I think no one knows what goes on in a relationship apart from people in it and you can’t judge every situation by the standard.

Yes the majority of cheaters probably do just do it for sex, kicks, attention etc which is awful.

Equally if you’re with a partner and try to communicate relationship issues but they just won’t engage it’s a different scenario. Of course everyone should just be honest and move on cleanly, but any intelligent adult knows that life is frequently more complicated than that.

I have some sympathy for a cheater who cheats as an escape from a highly abusive controlling partner and feel terrified to leave. Its still not right and the cheater needs to sort their life out rather then complicate things further. But might feel the cheating was 'deserved' if the partner was an utter shit and the cheater was running to someone who treated them like a human being.

Extreme example though and probably unwise situation to put yourself in plus difficult to prove as that's the excuse lots of people come up with after cheating.

Someone who is in an absuive relationship / their partner cheats / has addictions that make life tough.... an affair might seem more understandable as they've already been treated appallingly by their OH / they don't owe them anything / the relationship is effectively over anyway etc.

However, it still isn't the right thing to do. It's possibly more morally justified for the reasons above, but if you want out of your relationship - leave it, don't cheat. If you don't want out of your relationship - cheating won't make it any better so don't do it.

And for the cheater in these situations - if they've been through tough times / abuse, the last thing they need is to jump into another relationship.

So from whichever way you look at it, cheating isn't right. Just perhaps more understandable in some situations. I know of a couple of women who developed relationships with other men when they were in abusive home environments, because they were attracted to 'normal' decent men who treated them kindy. In both cases it gave them the strength to leave their husbands and both, decades on, are happily married to their AP. For them, I'm glad they did it, but it doesn't make it morally right and it doesn't always (mostly?) work out that way.

A friend cheats on her DH because he has checked out of the marriage and is a fairly rubbish husband. She is lonely and is trying to fill a void.

If she could afford to leave I think she would, but she would not be able to afford a home near to their current home and would not want to disrupt their children, her choice would be to rent far away from the family home in a cheaper area leaving the kids with him so they didn't have to change school etc. There is no way he'd move out as he's not the one 'in the wrong'.

It's a weird, complex, kinda controlling situation. I think her cheating is a form of escape. She'd never not to take responsibility for her own actions though.

DH's father was an abusive POS to MIL, on one occasion he could have easily killed her. She had made attempts to leave him but he made sure she had to come back. She tried police, family etc but recieved no help.

I'm glad she met FIL, who helped her out of the situation. Her 'cheating' bought nothing but positivity to her life and her ex didn't deserve any loyalty from her.

I know four women who are cheating on mediocre partners who don’t pull their weight ……but they won’t separate from them because of the cost.

A few decades ago divorce was taboo and couples were trapped. Now the issue is money rather than societal expectations.

It is blame switching and projecting what they use. They do it to convince themselves that they have done nothing wrong and got fundamental motivation to do it because the cheated partner is this or that or so or whatever.

And no, no one forced anyone to cheat.
Force someone to have sex is called rape, not cheat. Force your partner to have sex with someone else is also abuse and rape, and definitely no one can force anyone to get in love with them.

This is MN... cheating is ONLY wrong if it's the man cheating. If it's the woman cheating, it's more than likely justified and forgivable.

I refer you back to the recent post where a woman with kids cheated on her husband, and 75% of you/them said to keep it quiet and that mistakes happen, etc.

Never justified imo. Its an immoral act. Not happy talk it through or leave.

I dont think two bad acts make a right, like if i was attacked i wouldnt then think that justifies me to also commit a crime and do similar.. (bit of an extreme example in comparison i know haha)

It’s utterly wrong and I’d argue that cheating on your husband because he’s ‘mediocre’ but you’d lose money and your comfortable life style would be compromised, if you divorced, is just nasty.

There is never an excuse for removing someone’s right to informed sexual consent and personal agency, male or female. Leave, work out how to make a better life for yourself and act in a healthy manner!

And yes @C1N1C that thread was eye opening about the way MN sympathises and finds empathic excuses for women cheating. Yet men that cheat are the absolute worst!

So many of us behave as if being faithful is the only wedding promise we make to our spouse.

The promises/vows vary between services, but amongst other things, I promised to love honour and cherish.

If I break those promises/vows I think it is unreasonable to complain too loudly about him breaking a different promise.