I think we both overstepped the line but I'm so fed up!

[StrawberriesandGrapes]

I've literally had enough. I started a new job recently and my partner is at home with the children. I've done it for 9 years.
I broke down today because of the pressure I'm put under. I try to help my parent and grandparent a lot. My parent has severe mental health problems and my grandparent is struggling with her health and getting about. I'm filling out forms, taking them shopping, going to appointments. I go home and cook dinner, do half the housework, put the kids in bed etc. Today I was supposed to take the children to an activity but took my parent shopping and arranged an appointment and got stuck in traffic. I rang my partner to say I'd be late and he just huffed and I broke down, said I was trying to do everything, help everyone and he shows no recognition, he's so selfish sometimes. A couple of weeks ago he said I have no time for our family but we'd literally just got back from holiday that I booked and paid for. If we ever do anything as a family/couple I'm the one that arranges everything.

Our daughter's attitude has changed recently, she's rude, laughs in my face, won't stay in bed, screams at me and throws things. I was upstairs trying to get her in bed and my partner stormed up and told me to leave her and I said "what have you done to her" (he can be short tempered, shout, doesn't do much with them etc). He turned around and shouted, said I'm a fucking idiot and he should punch me in the face. I went downstairs and asked if he really just said that infront of the children and he said yes, I deserve it, he doesnt know who i think i am, I should get off my high horse and stormed out. Its not the first time he's said this infront of the children, probably the fifth. We've been together over 10 years and had so many ups and downs. He's been there for me when I've been at my lowest and I feel like I owe him but this isn't how its supposed to be. I don't know what to do 😭

He punched you in the face in front of your daughter? You should be calling the police

He’s abusive, that’s what he is. He said he should punch you in the face, don’t wait until he actually does it.

Your daughter is learning from him.

He didn't punch her, he shouted (abusively) at her in front of their children that he 'should' punch her.

I'm so sorry OP, what a vile thing to say/ do. Absolutely not how it's supposed to be, and it will undoubtedly be affecting your children both in terms of their sense of safety and the attitudes they will be learning from him. It's not for anyone else to tell you what to do, but if it were me I would be ending this relationship. He's been horribly verbally abusive to you on a number of occasions, and I bet that's just the tip of the iceberg of his shit behaviour.

@LoudSnoringDog he didn't do it, threatened to. If he did lay a hand on me I would be calling the police

He can be so horrible sometimes. I feel so trapped. I can't leave with my children because he won't let me. I can't kick him out because his name is on the tenancy (which he loves to throw in my face). I start to feel so low thinking about the things I'm unhappy about but when I think about ending it, I get scared. What if I got poorly again (had 8 months of hell), what if he went downhill, what if I'm even more unhappy, how would the children react, I just feel so confused and sad

He's angry that I blamed him for her behaviour when in his eyes he's allowed me to go to work, done some housework and looked after the kids. In two weeks they've been to the park twice and on a bike ride once. They got all technology taken for 3 days because "they're addicted and can't live without it" when I suggested setting boundaries or making a list of things to complete he said they should be able to figure it out for themselves, they've 5 and 9 🙄😔

Ugh. He’s an abusive prick. Sorry.

Fwiw it sounds really complex (extricating yourself) but I absolutely don't think you'd be more unhappy. He might 'go downhill' performatively to try and manipulate you though so watch out for that. I'm sorry I can't give more practical advice as I don't know what you can do about your tenancy etc, but there will be a solution. You can do this.

*Edited for spelling

I have no idea why your title says "I think we both overstepped the line."
Why on Earth do you think so? He's clearly the only one in the wrong here.

I think you both sound really unhappy.

given the children are 5 & 9 could he work and get some wrap around child care? Cleaner? Additional care for parents/grandparents?

it seems like you could all do with time away from each other as you’re both becoming resentful

@SisterMichaelsHabit because I accused him of being responsible for the reason our daughter's started misbehaving? I've been at work and trying to help other people & haven't been there as much as I could have. (The voice in one side of my head says it's his responsibility too, you don't owe him and the other side says he's been picking up the slack and you've thrown it in his face)

Personally I would just leave for a few days, stay in a hotel, do nothing for anyone and recharge

He can do everything

i would also be looking at how I can leave him, it’s no example for your kids. Is your daughter picking up her behaviour having seen his? Sounds like it

Why’s he a SAHP if he doesn’t do anything with them?

They’re in school, what’s he doing all day? Has he ever worked since you’ve been together?

His threat is disgusting but there are other bad things going on here.

You're in a very bad place, please talk to your GP about how low you are.

I know this is an impossible question to answer but......
How often do you argue with your other half?

Seems at the moment it's every other week, over things like emotional support or him being dismissive, patronising. Which we all go through I'm sure it's just getting tiring. TIA x

I am not surprised you are struggling and the abusive comments are horrible. Are you getting support with your parents and GPS? You cannot do everything on your own. Do you have siblings to help out?

Probably blaming him for Childs behaviour wasn't the best move but honestly it doesn't sound like he is prepared to put much effort into entertaining them. They are not teenagers so still need some guidance. Would him going back to work and paying for childcare be an option?

@Tinkerbyebye what if I go and he doesn't let me back in, tells the kids I've walked out on them?

@AnneLovesGilbert he got made redundant last year and his job was impossible for me to work around, he was there for nearly 10 years and I was at home. I longed to go back to work and now finally have, it's amazing. I appreciate your concern but I don't think I'm depressed, just really stressed, confused, fed up and frustrated at home. I honestly try so hard that every now and then I break.

I actually sat there yesterday and thought I would change me, I'm so happy with who I am and the time and effort I put in to others but when you're with someone who can never give a compliment or make you feel good about yourself and the things you do do, it takes it toll.

@Justcallmesarah it's hard to say. Some times weeks, months without an argument. Depends whether I want to bury my head in the sand or not

@Cornishclio my siblings are unbelievably selfish, they don't help anyone apart from themselves. I keep my distance for my own wellbeing. I don't want to go to the GP, I don't feel miserable all the time, just having a really bad afternoon.

I don't think it was either and they've got so much energy they need to burn off I'm half not surprised our daughter's playing up but she's never been this rude/naughty.

Threatening to punch you in the face is domestic abuse. Your children are also victims of domestic abuse (which is now recognised in the law) because they are exposed to it. Research shows that children who are exposed to domestic abuse are more likely to tolerate it in their own relationships when they’re older. Research has also shown links between exposure to domestic abuse and poor emotional well-being, mental health difficulties and behavioural problems. Your children need to be protected. As a starting point I think you should contact your local domestic abuse charity to see what support they can offer you. You could also do the freedom programme online.

You need to leave him. You cannot have him talking to you like that in front of your children it's damaging to all of you!

Are you married? I know it's easier said than done but tell him you are leaving him. He can either sign the tenancy over to you, or he can figure out how he is going to pay it alone and you can look for somewhere else.

You may have to deal with 50/50 residency with the children though which will be tough. If he plays up AT ALL get a child arrangements order.

Leave him. Literally leave him as soon as you can. Mental health is not a excuse for treating you like that. He is an abusive entitled man child. Sure you don't want your daughter being like him or grow in that environment. Neither of you deserve it.