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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Wise MNs - how can I move past the sheer gut wrenching hurt?

30 replies

Isobel89 · 25/08/2023 19:13

STBXH had affair with another married women and left the family home at the end of last year. We have three children together with the youngest being two. It was and still is an horrid time but I’m moving through the sheer shock and hurt and day to day, I am coping. My children are as settled as they could be and their normal lives have continued despite the bomb dropped into our family. H was abusive with gaslighting and threats abound and it took the husband of his lovely affair partner to tell me the affair was continuing despite my husband telling me the opposite. Anyway that has happened, can’t be changed. We are separated and he is living outside of the family home. Sees the children for supper two times a week and one full day in the weekend. Won’t do overnights, says the children don’t want to. My point is he leaves them back all trumped up for his nights out with goodness knows who and I feel such pain everytime. I know it’s irrational - he was cheating right under my nose but I’m just wondering when this gut wrenching hurt will subside. Will it ever? Thanks.

OP posts:
Bigbowpeep · 25/08/2023 22:52

Beaucielblues · 25/08/2023 19:22

Darling, why would you want someone who lies, cheats, has no integrity, plays mental games with you any where near you. You are free! You have hope for new exciting things in your future. You are strong and amazing. Who cares what he's doing? Feel bloody sorry for whoever he's fooling now. Just thank God it's not you.

This with bells on ^

Isobel89 · 25/08/2023 23:02

Yes, thank you everyone. I know I don’t deserve his treatment of me and that my children and I deserved more. It’s just difficult to tell my heart that but it will
come, I hope. Thanks Mumsnet for the support - it really does pull me out of a hole. X

OP posts:
AloneAgain2023 · 25/08/2023 23:26

@Isobel89 as so many are saying, ultimately you will be better off without him. BUT don’t beat yourself up about feeling so devastated about losing him, it truly is normal.

You won’t have been aware of those true colours back in the beginning otherwise you would never have become involved, that’s the way it always goes. If we saw what we see years down the line, well obviously we wouldn’t get much beyond one or two dates!

But we never see that side until too late, until we’re properly ‘in’! And if there are any early red flags, which sometimes on reflection there were, we all ignore them because it’s all new and shiny and great and lovely.

Ultimately, he’s in the wrong, he’s behaving badly, he’s being cruel & disrespectful. Your pain is NORMAL & VALID.

There is a great thread called ‘A new thread for those struggling with separation’ which I and so many other ladies in similar situations are on. To be able to vent and compare notes is invaluable. I would really recommend you find it and take a look.

💐 to you

Highanddry75 · 27/08/2023 21:20

I’m going through something similar and it’s horrid. Exh and ow have been out wining and dining in our local area whilst I am left to pick up the pieces with our 3 young kids. Finding that penciling in evenings with good friends helps distract from the awfulness.

Bigbowpeep · 27/08/2023 21:39

I'm sorry you are in this situation OP, but, as others have said, your feelings are quite normal.

You know in your head that you are better off without him but your heart hasn't caught up yet. It will.

Time will be your friend, and you can't rush your healing. You may think that you'll never feel normal again, but you will. You think that the great empty space where should heart should be will never be filled - but it will. You think you will never love again - but you will.

Perhaps some counselling could help you? It helped me.

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