How to move on from resentment?

[purplesofachair]

Hello,

I’m posting to try to sort through my thoughts and get some outside perspectives as I’m getting a bit lost.

Background.
When I was 16 I discovered my DM was having an affair. I told her she had to tell my DF or I would. She told me it was none of my business and no one would be telling my DF.
I did as I was told but have always wished I’d been braver and had told DF.
She abused the fact I was keeping her secret and would often use me as a cover when she went to meet the other man. I didn’t handle it well and self harmed, stole things, slept around, started drinking - all the things teenagers do when they need help but don’t know how to ask for it. I remember thinking my DM couldn’t love me at all if she let me go through all that.
When I was 21 my DF found out himself and my parents divorced.
I have slowly rebuilt my relationship with DM.

Fast forward to present day - 25 years later. DF has been very happily married for 10 years. DM married the other man, and they’ve been together since both their first marriages broke down.

I now have my own family with 2 young DS. We see DM and her husband about 4 times a year. In the past he has been a bit of a dick. Arrogant, sexist, bit of a drunk. But if I’m really honest, he’s 80 now and pretty harmless.

My problem is I can’t help being triggered whenever we see them.
I want my children to have a relationship with their Grandma and her husband, who they call Grandpa. That can only be a good thing for the kids. But I feel so uncomfortable. I hate having him in my house. I remember the way I felt when I was a teenager and I hate it when he stays in our spare room as feel I’m betraying my DF. I have just about accepted DM because I want to have a relationship with her but I can’t find the desire to feel kindly towards her husband.
My DH reminds me after every visit that it wasn’t that painful and they were pleasant enough. Which is generally true. DM can be annoying and judgemental and her husband is irritating as he believes he’s always right about everything but in the main it’s pretty easy and uneventful. And nice for the kids.

After some pressure they are staying with us for Christmas for the first time for and it’s already making me feel like I’m dreading it.
And I know my thoughts only hurt me. I don’t want to dread Christmas and see it as something to endure. I want to be excited as my DSs are just at an age where they see all the magic.

How can I move on from something that happened 25 years ago?
I know a lot has changed and I need to reframe it but something in me is being incredibly stubborn and I can’t let it go.
Thank you for reading and for any advice you might have

Why do you have to repress this?

Why are your feelings not important as well?

You're trying to recreate a happy family setup with them that didn't exist and is built on a lie. Suspect you mind is struggling with the disconnect.

Stop putting yourself last and start talking about how you feel.

I'd cancel Christmas and say it no longer works for you, then give yourself space to process these feelings. Get some counselling and start talking about it all with your dad as well.

Your husband may mean well, but he's also encouraging you to bury past emotional stress which isn't good advice.

Give your 16 year old self a chance to be heard. Give her a voice and let her speak.

Thank you for the reply - you're right about the counselling. I've thought about it on and off but never prioritised it, and then figured it was too late. This is the nudge I need to actually give my feelings some space and talk about it properly.

Bump

I came across this when searching for threads on resentment. I’m really struggling at the moment and hate I how I feel, I just want to let go of it all but I simply can’t. Years of childhood trauma and pain on top of complete and utter abandonment as an adult when I had my children has made it really hard to move on - I just bottle it and then it overwhelms me. My point is, so many people feel like this and I have concluded through my search, that professional help is the only route to overcome this (if only there wasn’t a cost of living crisis ey!). Did you seek help? How are you?

I see this is an old thread but gosh the same thing happened to me re DM having an affair and introducing him to me. The PPs response is spot on. He is dead now thank god so I don't have to think about him.

@Tabitha2721 I am also struggling with this emotion at the moment. I think trying to identify the emotion - is it sadness, anxiety, guilt, helps. That stops it breeding into frustration and resentment.

Thank you for asking - it's always sad to hear someone else is struggling but also comforting to know you're not the only one.
I did decide to start counseling just after I'd posted. It felt difficult talking about feelings from 20 years ago but it was important to push through the uncomfortableness.
I've been working on strategies to make me feel more in control and feel able to hold my boundaries. Along with researching into FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) which is emotions you can feel when dealing with a difficult family member.
The counseling also showed me how I've let it affect my relationship with my husband which was difficult to face up to but also really important.
Basically it's been an emotional and tough couple of months as I work through it all and I think it's going to get harder before it gets better but I'm really pleased I finally took the step to get professional help.
Where are you with that step? Have you taken the step to get professional support?

I went through my EAP (employee assistance programme) at work to get 8 free sessions. A lot of companies offer this - and often they extend to household or family if you don't have one personally

Honestly? Honour your feelings and do not have them to stay.