To find myself completely alone

[DancingFroglet]

End of 28 yrs with DH, my best friend moved away some time ago and has become more distant than just physically. My only remaining family member (sister)is very busy and whilst we get along great, our age gap means we have never been super close.

My relationship ended slowly over a course of years, a slow realisation that he just no longer cared. Sex stopped, everything stopped, it felt like contempt towards the end. I tried very hard, even remaining close after the break up, but it has taken some time for us to sort things and I am ready to move soon. We are civil but it is very stifling and painful to be around the carcass of it all. I am understandable still healing and the atmosphere is so depressing.

The experience has been devastating, coming to terms with someone who you thought you were so close to not liking you anymore. It just seemed to happen, so slowly, that i felt gaslighted, as he always insisted there was nothing wrong.
We will remain 'friends' but obviously not a part of each others lives when I move away. I am at the stage where I am happy to move on and would not return to the relationship in the future.

Thing is, I am so very alone. We were such homebodies. I am happy with a lot of alone time as I am an introvert, but I am also a communicator and need to feel warmth/close to just a few people. Nothing extravagant! Is it even possible now? I am almost 50 and really quite nervous. I would love to eventually find new people to form close bonds with (male or female), although not particularly interested in romance for a good long while.
Has anyone ever been here? If I move to a brand new place, fresh start, is there hope??

I don't have children, so possibly an outlier? I am happy to get involved in stuff but wondering if anyone else has been through something similar and 'started again'.

What a lovely position to be in - to start all over again from scratch!

It sounds like you've had a rough few years but think of this as a fantastic opportunity when you can truly be yourself, spend the time with yourself that you enjoy, set your new home up how you'd like, be the person you want to be and forge out the life for yourself you'd like to live.

I always make the same suggestions on threads like this. To my knowledge, no one has ever done any of them but they really worked for me!

I didn't move areas but my marriage broke down when my children were young and I had no friends or family so I had to start again from scratch.

Swing dance lessons. Even if you think you can't dance, they're great fun and have a huge social scene that you can get involved in as little or as much as you want.

A community choir. Think you can't sing? Tbh, neither can anyone else 😉 except that everyone can and make a beautiful sound collectively. Often populated by women in their 50s and 60s, lots of fun. I was in my early 30s when I joined and made some great friends of all ages.

Do you play an instrument? Or learnt one at school tha though haven't played for years? Pick it up again. Play with other people.

People on here often suggest book clubs. I've never found one tbh! But you could start one. I think they're probably as much about chatting over wine/coffee as they are discussing books (probably more so...)

Do you like music? Go to classical concerts on your own. There are always people to talk to. Gigs in local pubs. Even more people to talk to!

Have a really good think about the sort of people you want to get to know, the sort of places you want to go to and the sort of things you want to do and then make it happen.

Can I jump in the same boat with you? Broken relationship, and then just getting back on my feet to face the world and my lovely mum passed away. The loneliness mixed with the grief is unbearable, it’s got so bad I feel I can’t face the world.
I put a good face on at work come home lock the door and that’s it.

I suggest getting a dog 🐕

Good news is, since you are an introvert you don’t need to find too many people to be friends with 🙃

Sorry about your marriage breaking down. That is sad that he started off nice and ended up cold and horrible by the sounds of it. Hugs 💐

I’m your age and started over in a different country where I didn’t know the language 2.5 years ago, minus the long marriage ending before that part but I also don’t have kids. It is hard to make friends our age because people are wrapped up with their families or else their partner, or say you make a single friend they will drop you if they meet someone.

We (me and my dog) did have a lovely much older friend who we met in our last apartment building when we lived where we spoke the same language still. Older people are great, like the previous poster said. They’re home a lot so you can pop in to chat, they have great stories and neat stuff.

But as PP said, engage in activities that interest you and you should be able to find some like minded folk. Also, volunteer. If you like animals, The Cinnamon Trust is fab.

You can do this! ⚡️💥⚡️

I had to do this late 40s with young children. Won't lie, its been hard. You at least don't have the barrier of having little time due to work and young kids.
Without the kids and lack of time thing I think I would be a lot further on than I am now.

At this age a lot people have established friendship groups so it can be hard to find people looking to make friends. Pick activities you enjoy and go to those regularly. Try to find things you can go to each work or fortnight to really build up getting to know people.

Its a lot of false hopes and dawns, so you need resilience, but you can do it and having the time to make friendships, which you do, is a huge blessing.

I would suggest moving to a city where there are a lot of people and lot going on. It will make it easier to meet people. Villages / suburbs and rural areas tend to be quite insular and much harder to break into.

Hi Op,

I recently started a thread about finding meaningful connections outside of family and received some very helpful replies. You might find it useful too:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/childfree-mumsnetters/4868060-where-to-find-a-strong-sense-of-community-and-make-a-difference?reply=128281514

I'm sorry OP.

I'm 40 and think I might be in the same situation pretty soon ☹️

I'm finding connection and help in the Buddhist community. It's quiet help, but it's there.

Im nearly 50 and in a similar position. After 20 years with someone and then divorce where I lost all my friends and a difficult relationship now, its lonely and makes me feel down a lot op do I get you. I don't really have any answers, but know you're not alone.

Thank you for these fantastic replies! I am usually quite optimistic but there are lows. I am also kind of excited, and know that very deep down I recognise that I needed to do this many, many years ago. It has taken me so long to realise how final this is and it is like jumping into an abyss.

Some really great suggestions, I had initially thought about a rural area but can see the drawbacks. A larger market town maybe. Not sure just yet. I am going away to Shrewsbury for a few weeks (never visited before) so hopefully the break will do me good.

@Icepinkeskimo I am so sorry to hear about your mum. I lost mine during the pandemic, sometimes everything seems to come at once. It takes some doing, I know.

I love Shrewsbury. I quite often go for a weekend there by myself juat to recharge my batteries. Check out Alfred's Shed for live music while you're there.

I think a market town sounds like a great idea. I've only ever lived in a very big city or a little village - I'm not sure either is the easiest place for meeting new friends! The silver lining about moving to a new area on your own is that you will have a real motivation to meet people and form friendships. We moved 9 years ago and I've pretty much failed to do that, partly because there's less drive to do it when you have family to fall back on. Wishing you an exciting new life, OP!

Try www.meetup.com

I met my OH there plus lots of friends. It's not dating just lots of different social groups. I used to go to a book group, film group, pub nights, meals out, a walking group and a gig group.

I have moved several times alone & while being in a relationship
I am about to move again !

Things that I have enjoyed in the past;

Enjoy the process of being somewhere new

Explore the new area locally & further afield. Find some favourite places to visit

Join local Facebook or community groups to find out times & venues for local events

Join a sport or hobby group

Get a new job or volunteer

It will take you a a little time to settle in

Enjoy your fresh start !

Good luck