Should some people just never be in a relationship or do they deserve a chance if their partner is willing to accept them?

[TraumaBonded]

In the complicated cases where one partner exhibits undesirable behaviour (which in some cases could be classed as emotional abuse / Controlling behaviour) but their partner understands the reasons why and they are working towards changing ? Perhaps they’ve been through abuse or have another issue but they do have some awareness and desire to change?

Obviously if progress is being made.

Or is the partner wrong too (An enabler or wants to be a saviour?)

Should these people just accept they can never be in a relationship or is it ok if both partners are working towards improving things and there’s no other abuse involved ?

I'm not an expert but my instinct is that it depends how their partner is handling it.

So for example this might be the basis of a challenging but manageable relationship:

Partner with Controlling Tendencies:
"Yes it's fine for you to go out to a bar with your female friend but you need to WhatsApp me every half an hour and send me a photo of where you are, including your friend in the photo, and I need to approve what you're going to wear"
Longsuffering Girlfriend:
"No, I won't be doing that, and that's an unreasonable and controlling request triggered by your personal demons"
PWCT:
"Yes I see that now, I apologise for such an unreasonable demand"

Whereas this is not OK
Longsuffering Girlfriend:
<thinks>"That's obviously unreasonable, but he's so damaged by his personal demons the poor lamb, I'll just go along with it, after all I've got nothing to hide"
<says> "yes of course darling"

I'm typically of the opinion that abusers don't change, and anyone entangled with an abuser would be better off freeing themselves than giving that person a chance. I will admit though that there are always exceptions to any rule, and I do believe it's possible for an abuser to change, it's just improbable.

The underlying cause for abusive behaviour is deeply internalised views and values. So in order for an abuser to change, they have to work on addressing those views and values. It won't work just to focus on the behaviour that manifests from those views and values.

Both people need to understand and accept that there is no excuse for abuse. An abuser isn't owed a chance because they've suffered abuse themselves. It's important to understand that experiencing abuse or mental health issues doesn't cause abuse, though it is sometimes used as an excuse. If it caused abuse, then anyone who's ever been abused or had mental health issues would be an abuser themselves, which is not the case.

This last line of your OP raises a concern for me...

and there’s no other abuse involved ?

Both people would need to understand that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is zero. This line seems to be minimising the abusive behaviour that is present in the relationship. Someone who "only" calls their partner names isn't owed a second chance because they've never hit their partner. If either person involved thinks there's any type of justification to be made because there's "only" this type of abuse and not that type of abuse then it just won't work. The abuser will continue to abuse and the victim will continue to accept it.

The bottom line is that from the victim's perspective, it's better to walk away. It's possible to overcome being an abuser, but it's incredibly difficult and incredibly rare. No one who is abusive "deserves" a chance, no matter the circumstances. But the victim absolutely deserves a relationship where they feel safe, loved, and respected.

I think what i meant was no sexual or physical abuse as well as emotional abuse if that makes sense not saying one type of abuse is worse than another but just to be clear that it’s one type of behaviour and not multiple types of abuse

I wouldn't use the word "never" - if the person is seeking help and making progress then there's a chance they could be in a relationship again in future. But it sounds like they shouldn't be in a relationship right now if they are still exhibiting problematic behaviour.

That's my point though. Abuse is abuse. It isn't any easier for someone who's emotionally abusive to change their behaviour than someone who's emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive. It all stems from the same place.

You obviously mentioned this because you deemed it relevant in whether or not the person deserves a chance, which it isn't.

There’s never an acceptable amount of abuse. If you have past traumatic experiences that trigger you into hurting someone else then you should not be in a relationship until you have worked through that. Accepting abuse isn’t supporting them, it’s enabling an abuser.