Can anyone help/advise what I can do in regards to my 15 Yr old dd and school 🙏

[Cupcake00]

Hello,
I was hoping someone could advise/help me understand a little bit more. My daughter has struggled to go back to school since the pandemic. Year 10, her timetable was reduced, with the plan to go in full time. Her day is split into 6 lessons, so going in for 3 in the morning and then it's break time. We never got past break time. There were days she would be at home. So it wasn't even a full week either. We tried lots of things. I feel that being in the environment became almost like a traumatic experience. She slowly saw her friends less as they were spending time together more. Until she was no longer invited to places with them. She now has no friends, so that's even harder for her. She managed to sit a couple of gsce's in a small room. Unfortunately, she failed them. Yesterday picking up the results (I went to collect them as she didn't want to see anyone), we had tears. I have reassured her so much in regards to resitting and praised her for trying her best.
I never thought I'd say leaving school is for the best but I honestly think it's got so bad now, the environment isn't going to be one that she feels relaxed enough to learn. We have been told, unless she goes back full time, she won't catch up. I can already foresee that she won't as we tried last year.
Is there anyway we can access work or something for her to take these gcse's from home? We are in Wales (UK).
If anyone can please help, I would really appreciate it. I'm on my own and had to take 3 months off work last year. I can't afford to do that again (I'm s financially catching up). I work shifts so I can support her, although I'm not a teacher. I'd need some guidance/support.

There are online schools, a friend of mine uses one for her DD who has anxiety and also struggled to return to school after the pandemic. It’s not cheap. Her parents help out with the cost, but her DD is so much happier. It’s like a proper school, timetabled lessons, you can also watch the video of the lesson later on if missed. Not sure if an option? College does GCSE’s, maybe that’s an option for her.

oh bless you that’s really tricky. Has she had any therapy? GP care for her anxiety? She may have developed a phobia? Of being with people or a phobia where she’s self conscious in a room ? CBT? Don’t stress about her education, there’s lots of chances to catch up through apprenticeships, where they do Functional skills English and maths along with the course in college.. I think maybe seek help for her mental health first.. maybe after time she can do volunteering with beavers or cub scouts, then slowly face more challenges?

Zanatdy thankyou. I'm not sure I could financially afford it. I don't have family and it's just my income. Depending on the costs I suppose. That sounds amazing though. College would be next year as she still has a year left in school. She is supposed to be going back into her final year. If we wait until then, its a year at home doing nothing. I don't want her at home doing nothing as it won't be good for her. Thankyou for your advice. College might have to be an option next year.

I would look into colleges. There are several where I live that will take students from 14 to do gcse courses so it might be worth looking into it.

I am so sorry to hear of your daughter’s troubles, and appreciate the difficulty in finding suitable support for learning. Online schooling may be the answer, though it’s not cheap (£5300 per annum from what I can work out) but it looks good and has excellent GCSE results.

https://kingsinterhigh.co.uk/

Have a look on learn laugh play or £2 tuition hub for low cost online interactive classes, look at oak academy for free pre recorded classes, buy the text books and go through them with her.

remember and remind your dd that in the long term it won’t make a huge difference to her whole life if she has GCSE’s a couple of years later if it takes a while, I mean how many people take gap years.

I really think the priority is getting her therapy. You can take her out of school but that is just kicking the can down the road as what will she do after compulsory school age? How will she cope in a job? What has been the school's advice? Is she on a CAMHS waiting list (I know these are long!), can you afford private therapy?

Knockmealdowns thankyou. It has been very difficult. I'm a mental health nurse and have been trying to help with anxiety management. She refused so speak with anyone. I have continued to try to manage this myself as she only has me and I want her to be able to talk to me. My biggest worry was, if I tried to get support elsewhere, she wouldn't trust me and hold things in. Now, I'm considering getting support elsewhere as I don't think I can be mum and nurse. It's how I go about it without her feeling so upset. She gets so so upset if I mention it. When she is at home, she is a completely different character. She is happy, loving, caring and looks after herself. She will go out with her sister and myself. Never on her own. Won't join any clubs. She does her own workouts, watches her series, reads books. Dreams about Paris and travelling. Out doors she is so anxious and so self aware. Yesterday after the results, she cried saying she wants all these nice things when she is older but is scared about college/work, people in general, making friends.
We did have a little talk about volunteering and she did actually agree. I'm hoping she will, just to build her confidence. Thankyou.

Pm you (with a message with lots of spelling errors as I haven't had enough coffee this morning)

LunaLoveFood thankyou. Are you Wales, UK? Years ago, it was possible. Not sure where now.
CapEBarra thankyou so much. I really would if I could, that sounds amazing.
itwasntmetho thankyou so much. Yes, I have told her this. What I worry about is, the longer at home, the more difficult to get out there.
themidimit thankyou. The school are trying to support with the reduced timetable. It's the lack of friends now. She has nobody to go in with, talk to, go to break with. To a 15 Yr old, this is everything isn't it, friends. She can't get past break. She even stopped eating there. I think the whole environment is now triggering for her. She won't speak to anyone. Unfortunately, in mental health, if a child won't engage, there isn't much they can do. She refuses and gets so upset.

i Don’t think you can be nurse and mom, I think you’re on the right track seeking outside help as ultimately she will have to learn to trust people and the world outside, and her own social skills. Is she on safe social media? There’s a lot of scare mongering on there.. could she volunteer with animals somehow, with her sister? Guinea pig and rabbit rescue? Dog walking? Is there a forest school group near you? I hope it improves and she finds her inner strength.

So difficult for you both

Alternative options to get her back in the game

Herbal Kalms - check with GP
Lavender in all rooms and lavender room and pillow spray
Yoga - plenty on YouTube
Hynotherapy - can work a dream
Calming tongue spray and oils that you rub on your temples
Look up mindfulness on YouTube
Calming music in every room
Online courses
Tutor? Can the school help fund?
Redo her room - even just moving stuff around and fresh bedding and pajamas
Mood board and future planning board get her to cut out pictures of what she wants for herself for the futility - nice car, house, join a hobby etc
Would she go for a monthly massage preferably head?
Do something once a week with her - nails done/hair done etc
Long walk every day
A pet - I know a big ask

She's needs her mind reset before she can tackle education

Ps. Singing get into singing it really helps

Knockmealdowns thankyou, you are right. It has come to that point. It's how I go about it without upsetting her so so much. That's exactly what we spoke about yesterday, volunteering with animals. I emailed one place and she has to be 16. She is 16 the end of November. I'm going to keep looking. I would love her to join an outside group but she won't. I will keep looking. Thankyou so much.

If she cannot attend school due to medical issues (which anxiety is) the LA have a duty to provide education that she can access. You need to push school and the LA - it is possible to have online learning provided as part of this.

https://hopesussex.co.uk/ Is a group that helps kids who can’t be in a classroom.. dare I say it, Christianity helps me find my place in the world.. friends have the Behaviour and attendance officers help with kids from their local council, with limited success.. but they are children diagnosed with learning difficulties such as ADHD and autism and have EHCPs.. I hope she finds her way.

Hi OP, I'm in England not Wales but the law can't be that different.

Sounds like your DD's school has repeatedly broken the law. Part time timetables are exclusions and illegal. As soon as a child is out of education for 15 days, work should be provided. This is the local authority's responsibility. Have you had any contact with them? Does your daughter have an EHCP or whatever the Welsh equivalent is? What assessments have been done, if any?

The Facebook group Not Fine In School is useful.

If you post in Special Needs on here there are some expert posters.

quietnightmare thankyou, that list is amazing. She does some of them. The mood board, like a vision board, excellent. Just booked for her hair to be done. We have a dog who she absolutely adores.
She sings to Taylor swift every day. Her sister goes to an acting/singing group and I have tried for a long time to get her to go. Thankyou so much. I'm going to add those recommendations to our list. You are so right, she does need her mind reset. It's her inner thoughts too.
Thankyou.

Just watching with interest- we have a similar situation (but in Scotland).

It's so hard to know what to do for the best isn't it? I just sent her off to school in tears, and I don't think home school would really be right for her, but what are the other options?

She has Autism and change is her biggest trigger; moving schools feels like quite a risk to her (fragile) mental health.

Not as expert but just wanted to add to voices saying that the LA need to provide her with an education. In different places this might be home tutors but it can at best be really lovely non-school schools. Look at your LAs local offer pages and join the local parent carer group for kids with SEN and do not leave the LA alone until you get help. Also try your local SENDIAS - their number will be on the Local Offer page.

handmademitlove thankyou. They have sent work home from the school after me on at them for some time and that was only a couple of subjects. I'm going to ask the school what the next step is. They will want something in writing in regards to anxiety.
Knockmealdowns thankyou so much.
Phineyj oh ok, thankyou. The school took a long time getting back to me at the beginning. I went in and met with the head who was not helping at all. I spoke with the attendance officer who said twice she has asked teachers for work. When my dd asked her teachers (English and and maths), she was told they hadn't been informed. I took this back to the school and they said work would be sent. This went on for months. Then my dd couldn't understand the work. Its difficult without the teaching. She has sat English and maths. Foundation science and some other assessments Foundation level. She failed them. The school hasn't got a great reputation. I have emailed the head before the summer asking what the next plan could possibly be and I didn't hear anything. Thankyou, I shall post there too, thankyou.

How self motivated is she to learn at home? There are plenty her age who pretty much home school themselves. DD put the same hours into learning when she wasn't in school. If she isn't academic I'd be concentrating on maths and English as a starting point. There's no point in failing 10 subjects.
I actually think school is the least of her worries. This isn't just school refusal. It is affecting every aspect of her life. At her age she is old enough to realise that life isn't going to turn up with a wonderful future if she doesn't begin to engage with help, even if it's baby steps. What's she like for dad if he's involved?

OP for a young person with anxiety working/ volunteering with animals could be very therapeutic. Have a look at equine therapy, l don't know if she likes horses, or if you have anything like this available in Wales, but it might be worth searching. Anything volunteeering with animals would be good for her as they don't judge, and getting her outside would be so beneficial for her too.