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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I just don't fancy him anymore

21 replies

inabitofaflap · 29/02/2008 21:43

Name changed for this.

DP and I together now for 7 years and we have a beautiful toddler who is the centre of my world.

Sex with DP was great to begin with. Never expected it to stay that way but I honestly can't stand my DP coming anywhere near me. I think we've managed to have sex once this last year and I haven't climaxed with him since before our baby was born (when they seemed to be twoapenny).

I resent having to "pleasure him" and loathe myself, and him, afterwards. The situation is breaking my heart.

I keep unearthing all the doubts I have ever had about my dp. It's all come to a head because I have recently worked away with a male colleague who ignited a spark in me that I forgot was there. Nothing happened, but the feelings it stirred up in me were very intense and took me completely by surprise. I don't even think my feelngs were reciprocated but it was just so pleasurable, to be in good company. I hate myself for feeling this way.

I have never entertained the idea of playing away, but I've been fantasising about it and its making me feel really miserable. Dp and I even joked a little while ago about an open relationship, because our sexlife is so dire, and I can't believe we've even had that conversation.

This situation just can't go on any longer, It's not fair on my dp, or my son. But I can't see how not having loving parents in this way can be good for ds either.

How the heck do I get a grip on my feelings? I am scared it will only take the wrong circumstances and I could see myself falling for another man, because ultimately, I am having doubts as to whether I chose the right one in the first place.

OP posts:

TLV · 29/02/2008 21:51

have you thought about going to relate?

WallOfSilence · 29/02/2008 21:54

I would try counselling before falling into another man's bed.

Do you think dh feels the same way as you do though?

tatt · 29/02/2008 21:54

so you had doubts - why? What is wrong in your relationship because there must be something for your sex life to be dire. Sex is a symptom of something else that is wrong. Are you going to be honest about it because if not then your relationship probably is going to end. And a new bloke isn't necessarily going to be any better and your child will miss their Dad. Marriage needs work!

I've said elsewhere I found the 7th year hard but I got over it. Do you want to?

Original poster

inabitofaflap · 29/02/2008 21:55

Thanks TLV, I really don't think DP would entertain the idea, he's just not that type. I used relate once before, many years ago in a different relationship and it made me realise I needed to leave. I am scared of the same thing happening. Silly I know.

OP posts:

Desiderata · 29/02/2008 22:00

Is this the classic seven year itch?

Oh, I don't know. I think many of us have experienced this. I think it's important to not feel guilty about fantasizing another relationship. It's a healthy enough outlet, surely?

Be honest. Did you really fancy him when you first got with him?

Mercy · 29/02/2008 22:03

Disagree with tatt, sorry.

Young children can put a huge strain on a relationship, however good it might be. It's totally normal to not want a sexual relationship and to fantasise about someone else.

BUT the emphasis is on the fantasy aspect (carefree, no strings or responsibility etc) and it's not a good idea tbh.

Unless you are having major disagreements and clashes over numerous things etc i would suggest you have a proper talk with your dp or seek counselling

Original poster

inabitofaflap · 29/02/2008 22:03

Sorry, this is all moving too quickly for me. I can't keep up.
Tat, I think you are right. I think there were problems and I chose to ignore them. God that's hard to admit.
My dp and I met when I was in a hard time, I ended up dropping out of my degree, mainly because of famiy problems, but I think if my dp had been really supportive back then I would have made it through. I think I resent him for this. But having our ds was so wonderful, don#t gt me wrong, we had got to a place where we both accecpted where and who we were when we decided to have a child and for about 6 months I felt as though I had "come home". We loved and lived for each other, and it now seems ;like a distant dream.
Sorry, I think I do need harsh words, I rpobably am being a silly cow, now blabbling like a stupid school girl.

OP posts:

Mercy · 29/02/2008 22:06

Sorry, meant to say it's not a good idea to try to carry out the fantasy
But it's fine to have that fantasy because that's all it is, an outlet. ANd normal.

tatt · 29/02/2008 22:29

inabitofaflap once you acknowledge the problem you can do something about it. You resent dropping out of your degree and you're blaming your OH. But YOU dropped out of it and YOU can go back to it if you really want to. OK maybe not just yet but you can start to plan how you will arrange your life so that it's possible when your child is older. Talk to your OH, explain how you feel and see if he will be supportive. Write him a letter if you find it hard to say.

What did your male colleague give you that your husband doesn't? Attention, time, seeing you as a person not a mum? Whatever you want try to get it from your husband first.

Original poster

inabitofaflap · 29/02/2008 22:35

Ok. Less emotional now, ready for another go.

Mercy & Desi thanks for the support in trying to help me not to feel guilty about fantasising, but I can't seem to help it (feeling guilty). If the fantasisng bit is ok, is it ok about actually enjoying another man's company though, even if nothing happened? I'm still struggling with this.

I am also having an internal battle about the initial doubts I had thought we'd worked through, before having our baby. Think my own confusion is obvious from my last post. I guess I'm self-questioning whether we had really worked through them. Is this akin to the 7 year itch?

OP posts:

Original poster

inabitofaflap · 29/02/2008 22:39

Sorry x posts tatt.
you are right about taking responsibility for my decision about degree, and your advice is good, thank you.

OP posts:

Desiderata · 29/02/2008 22:47

I think that if he is giving you respect, and if the home is comfortable and the bills are being paid, then you must pay much heed to that.

It is very normal to fancy other people, especially people who have very little to do with your day to day life. You may fuck up, and take that somewhere. In that situation, I would say that those without sin should cast the first stone. Many of us have been in your situation.

But you have a little boy, and I think you sound like a good woman. My dh and me hardly ever have sex any more, not since our son was born. It's partly to do with working odd hours to accommodate parent-to-parent childcare, and partly to do with the all consuming fire that is a child/children.

You know, in reality, very few of us chose the right man. We read too many fairy tales in our youth, I think. You must always remember that the right man for you (if not your partner) will not be the father of your son.

That, in itself, will prove divisive over time.

Take care of yourself. Follow your head, not your heart. Without exercise, most people's heads fail long before their hearts do.

Original poster

inabitofaflap · 29/02/2008 23:01

thank you Desi, you have made me feel heaps better and you sound a very nice person. Your profile page has made me laugh, which deserves a cyber drink on me!

I am off to bed with much to consider, all words taken on board for which I am very grateful. Will chat over things with dp this weekend.

OP posts:

Disenchanted · 29/02/2008 23:07

Is the 7th year cursed?

Im on the 7th year and its bloody awful

Original poster

inabitofaflap · 09/03/2008 22:42

Right. For anyone interested in an update, here goes.

After my last posts I decided to forgive myself for fantisizing (note sp corrected ) and DP & I ended up having sex TWICE last saturday. And I climaxed - yippeeee!

I decided against spilling my heart to DP and went with the flow, Mother's Day and all that. I have also now got my period which is where I think all the "catastrophising" (ie thinking it was all a disaster, that we had deeprooted unresolved problems etc) had come from.

I have felt buzzed up and loved up all week. I still fantasize about my colleague and it seems to have got me feeling good about myself - in that I'd forgotten what it felt like to feel sexy and attractive. But now DP has joked he is suspicious and has turned down my advances tonight because I am on . I feel a bit rejected I guess.

I have never, ever, shared any fantasies, and the thought of doing this is terrifying. I do feel an insy bit guilty still, in that my new found sexiness hasn't come directly from DP, but all the horrid loathing etc has disappeared. I will also feel very when I next see my colleague, (we don't often work together).

Any thoughts? Still a tad worried this isn't a healhty situation...

OP posts:

TLV · 10/03/2008 07:33

isn't the 4th yr now the new 7th yr itch hope you get it sorted

TLV · 10/03/2008 07:33

isn't the 4th yr now the new 7th yr itch hope you get it sorted

Maidamess · 10/03/2008 07:38

Good for you inabitofaflap. Can't be bothered to namechange, but have felt like you many many times....and it usually turns out to be pre menstrual and that makes me blow everything into catastrophic proportions.

I think you did exactly the right thing 'getting back in the saddle'. try and be more open with your dh about what you want in that department...it will work.

littlewoman · 11/03/2008 01:39

Flap, good for you. I really hope the two of you get sorted, and I think tatt's advice is very sound

weebitconfused · 20/03/2008 21:28

hi flap

just came across your message and felt i had to get in touch as you seem to be going through a similar situation to myself. bear with me as I am new to this site and not quite familiar with the lingo yet! anyway, i am very interested to find out how you are gettingon - it might give me some hope.

I have been with DH for 5 years and we have a beautiful toddler who is the light of our lives. he is a wonderful father, incredibly supportive partner, articulate, handsome and basically treats me with the utmost respect - so why don't I fancy him???? I think this problem has been ongoing for years but I have been in denial putting it down to low libido, even though this wasnt a problem with past partners.

recently I admitted to myself that as wonderful as DH is, I just dont fancy him and since then I have found myself being attracted to other men (one in particular) and since then my sex drive has miraculously returned! the thing is, since i have become a parent i feel as though baby's needs must come before mine and therefore I am destined to a life with a lovely partner but a very lacking sex life. obviously the sex life is a problem for him too. i feel so guilty as he has no idea that this is going on in my head and at the same time doesnt he deserve to be with someone who is completely and utterly in love with him?

sorry for rambling on but this is the first time I have had the opportunity to get this of my chest.

Maidamess · 20/03/2008 21:39

weebit I think what you have described is completely normal...how do you know your dh doesn't have a bit of a crush on someone at work for example? I do not think there is anything wrong with that..it sounds like you have a good partnership.

Don't beat yourself up about 'not fancy' him....whole months go by when I don't fancy my other half, we have been together for 20 years and have 3 kids...then I fancy him again.

Actually I'm not sure if I do fancy him..perhaps I am just happy to have him fancying me, that makes me feel desirable and to want more hows your father!

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