Why can’t workaholics see the emotional poverty they subject their children and partners to?

[Makingsenseofmyhead]

Having recently come out of a long term relationship with a workaholic, I would love to know other peoples thoughts and experiences on this and the impacts on their relationships. I feel the greatest impact has been on the children as their father is so preoccupied with work he can easily not see them for months at a time. He has an inability to turn down work and runs multiple businesses. His whole life is a schedule, every single day and moment is accounted for.

What drives someone to get to this point where they have zero work life balance?

Ironically, it starts with wanting to provide for your family or future family in my own experience. As I earned more money and my role kept changing and becoming more senior (and at a young age), it became about pride. Pure hubris. You get stuck in this hamster wheel and it’s difficult to get off. Taking a step back then seems like failure.

I look back with horror at how I risked my marriage. I experienced burn out which put my life into perspective and now I’m much happier having stepped back to have my family. I was merely existing, not living. I was earning great money but so deeply unhappy. I pity people who live this life now as I know it all too well. I have no desire to return to a similar role in the next few years or indeed ever again.

I work in a corporate role for an american company (uk based). i see this in the people i work for. i ask them why they cannot go on holiday and leave the laptop/phone behind? they are constantly checking emails/following up on work. its madness but its also the culture and expected of them for their level of seniority and pay! they are bloody miserable.

No idea in the OP case but some become that way because they obsesssed and some because they are the only breadwinner and the other partner chooses not to work

Some need a hobbie and it's work
Some want the glory
Some want the success
Some want a combination and to provide for the family.

What's the point earning all that money and not being present for your loved ones....work and family should be balanced.
The children suffer the spouse suffers.....yes the money matters but why sacrifice the quality time which money can't buy 😔
By the time one saves enough to retire... health will be poor, the marriage might be broken the children would have moved away....so you're all alone..is it worth it... absolutely not...earn enough to provide a good living and enjoy the time with each other 💕
My husband's father was a workaholic and till this day they all saying how they hardly saw him....he passed away 13yrs ago and prior to that he had Parkinson's disease so he was unable to work for 10yrs in that time he became suicidal because he taught he was the bread winner and his failed everyone....
Yet they all survived it wasn't the end of the world.
My point is one should never do more than necessary....live comfortably but not excessively.... make time for each other before it's too late 😞

Some people just love working I suppose, it’s getting the balance right eventually is the key…. Imagine being with some deadbeat lazy so and so …. Keep at him and he’ll get it right..

I became a workaholic when I was a sole breadwinner during the economic crisis 2007/8. I was terrified I’d get the sack and then be homeless in a tent in a park or underpass with my babies. I’d been homeless before as a teen and knew just how dangerous it is- no place for a child. I had no faith in the council to house us if it came to it. I knew in an environment where management were saying we are cutting places not faces, we are restructuring blah blah, lie, lie that it was actually lists of NAMES of who to make redundant and who to keep and I worked and worked long and hard, all the while terrified that my name would drop down that list to below the cut line. I was under a lot of pressure then and even though it hurt me and my husband and children to be at work, I felt it was making the best of what were bad times.

I don’t think it’s coincidence that many workaholics are often sole breadwinners of families or primary breadwinner making over 75% of the household income.

If you have your own business, fear of turning down any work can be pervasive.

Um. Having been in this situation, but being now in my late 50s so sort of past the main stress point (which is young kids), permit me to assure you that the kids are NOT harmed. It's amazing what varied homes children can come from and be perfectly fine as long as there is no ongoing fighting around them.

The person who suffers is the non-workaholic parent (aka me, back then). You have to decide what you yourself are suffering and what can be mitigated.

By mitigation I mean that if the other party is that much of a workaholic they are presumably either already earning, or have a good prospect of earning soon enough that, say, a mortgage lender would take their prospects seriously (think he's founded a start-up or whatever). In which case, there should be enough money around to fund help.

One example of that is some childcare assistance. Even a full-time SAH mother needs breaks. Plus someone else to help clean the house. If it's worth his working that full-on, it must be worth the outsourcing.

But a more serious issue will be the mother's (and therefore children's) long-term financial safety. What if there's a divorce? Can you arrange a post-nup, or some other contract? Bear in mind, that if the assets and income are solid, no court will allow him to throw you totally onto public minimums.

And that's just the money. If you feel he's neglecting you, if you feel ignored and unloved, that's a whole separate problem.

Or if, for example, you feel you also want the glory and joys of success in a career (and why not?) then you may not be at all happy him hogging it all. Especially if you can't see an end in sight. But if you are just pissed off with his assuming his career matters more than yours, do stop and think about whether you really care. For example, I was very very pissed off for quite a long time at his assumption, but ultimately, I concluded for myself that I didn't actually care that much about work: I think work is something that should fund a happy family, not the other way around.

Your issue will be if you're not sure that his workaholism (or hers: apologies for the assumption about the gender split here) won't necessarily pay off for you too, emotionally or financially. But don't worry about the kids. I've seen all kinds of arrangements, and as long as the parents are happy and the situation is stable, the kids are fine. Both parents working (like mine, back in times when that was not at all usual) fine. One parent earning, one more on the job at home, but with some breaks too (mine, after I figured things out) fine. Parents fighting all the time bad for the kids and the parents. Parents divorcing without a fair financial settlement bad for the kids and the nonworking spouse -- but definitely avoidable if you see it coming.

Why get into a relationship and have children with someone who prioritises work above everything else?

I'd counter that it's not a form of selfishness. Not always.

The two complete workaholics I know were both brought up in absolute poverty and started out trying to earn as much as possible to compensate.
Initial success brought a little confidence but then they had children, and are each absolutely determined that their child shouldn't suffer the deprivation they suffered.

And so it goes on. They are doing their best in the only way they know how, responding to remembered fear.

It's usually down to subconscious issues from childhood e.g. a distraction from emotional pain, or having been so poor in childhood they feel the need to earn money and simply don't ever really feel secure. I would suggest it is something that needs therapy as the reasons are complex. If they refuse to get treatment then the rest of the family have a right to consider if they are willing to stay together. Sometimes the workaholics don't even realise what they are doing; it is a compulsion driven by latent issues they may not even be aware of.

My DH became very driven work wise after our DD1 died. He felt it was his job to provide well for us and it was something he was very good at. As time has progressed he has climbed the ladder and is now at the top of his profession and with this comes the need to work long hours and be available all the time. However he is totally fed up with it all and is counting down to retirement in two years. He has been a great dad to our two, now adult, DDs throughout his working life.

Presumably you knew he was like this before you committed to children?

I did know he liked to work. But after kids it intensified and he took on another business. Covid hit these industry pretty hard and there was a lot of anxiety. But the major factor was he pushed us away and worked so hard and was so detached he had an affair while abroad. Partly because he refused to make any time to be present here. He couldn’t fit us it into his schedule, where as this women could be fitted into his diary as she was local.

Just to add even now work is the main priority. I won’t deny he does not provide well for the kids because he does. But he gave up everything for his job. He regrets it but can’t stop. It’s like he is on a treadmill he can not get off.

he had an affair

I’d say this was the issue, not the workaholic-ism.

Yes absolutely the issue. But being away 10 months of a year because you can’t stop working and being completely obsessed it’s not surprising a person has no emotional connection to their family. He is very detached from his kids life and work is absolutely number 1 to everyone and everything.

It is an addiction like others. They don't know they are until they left the environment.

Sure some (men) are workaholics. Others ;work' long hours to get out of being a parent!

Anyway, I remember my boss telling us in a meeting about a colleague of his who was a workoholic. When his kids (who he rarely saw) turned 18, he was suddenly like ta da! Here I am!. The kids told him to do one!

It was a wake up call to my boss too.

It’s an addiction triggered by the same factors that trigger any other addiction.

As others have said, it’s often related to anxiety after growing up in poverty.

Even if you set family aside it’s completely unhealthy and unsustainable, they’ll come crashing down eventually.

There seems to be a misconception on MN that workaholics equal high earners, or that there's a high earner - a provider- with one partner not working, and the family enjoying material benefits.

This narrative is used in some cases to explain why the workaholic works so much, with suc a strong link to long hours only being the problem of the wealthy or 'professionals' which I find out of touch, and a fairly privileged stance.

Some people are workaholics because of toxic workplaces demanding more and more hours snd tasks, and for most of us average to low earners, we still have to put in the graft without at least the financial rewards, because we don't have a security blanket from wealth. We have to work that way to survive.

I've had the worst of both worlds - a partner who is a workaholic, earning an average wage, while I also have to work long hours in a demanding job for an aveage wage.

Financially we struggle, but both our jobs are full on, additional and antisocial hours sometimes, for average pay. They are not senior roles in any way.

We are still 'lucky' compared with those who have poorly paid jobs and have to put in long hours.

I can relate to the OP.

My husband was a workaholic and it intensified during COVID. He runs his own businesses and I think he definitely used work as a distraction and to avoid emotional connection.

Last year he had an affair, partly because he had neglected the marriage for so long (worked 7 days, took laptop on holiday, regularly did 14 hour days). He just wasn't present.

The affair was related because I believe both were partly driven by deep seated insecurities and feelings of low self worth. The work and the OW acted as distractions and as a source of easy validation. It was easier to do that than actually face up to himself and do the work necessary to get the internal validation he needed.

Sorry, op. I can totally empathise with the pain you have experienced, both from the workaholism and intimate betrayal.

Work is controllable and largely predictable. Work problems can usually be addressed and beaten. Work offers tangible rewards financially and emotionally, often more so than the messy reality of outside-work life. Work provides purpose, direction, goals, camaraderie, connection with people. Being hardworking is generally seen as a virtue, so it's very easy to tell yourself that more work is always good.

Ultimately, as PP say, the mechanism is probably the same as for any addiction - a form of self-medication against unbearable feelings. But it's hardly surprising that work is an easy addiction to fall into, because the early stages are immediately rewarding in many ways.