Friendship dynamics. Help me understand. Have any friendships where you feel a bit superior?

[xPaloma]

I don't mean consciously haughty or self-righteous, but where you just believe you're a bit smarter, or resilient, or luckier, or wiser, or more socially skilled. Do you think it leaks out? Are you certain that the friend is less x, less y. Or is there a possibility these beliefs/ this dynamic makes you feel good about yourself?

I've tried to gently cautiously re-jig a couple dynamics with 1 old friend/1 relative but it doesn't seem to be possible. You just end up with them not getting what they used to get from the relationship, a sense of superiority. So the friendship /relationship no longer rewards them in the same way. I have one or two old friends who are very emotionally healthy themselves and in their company, it feels I'm allowed to have changed which is wonderful. I've noticed changes in them too. I love them for being a support to me when my life was a mess but having just observed, never judged.

The thread the other day about the pettiest reason you dumped a friend made me think. If you have a friend and you get on but some of what you get from the friendship is a feeling of relief that you're a bit superior, do you think the friendship could survive that person objectively and quantifiably becoming your equal. Could your ego tolerate that? Or would the friendship now make you feel bad?.

ps, I don't have any friendships like this myself. I guess to be charitable it's a bit like viewing yourself as a mentor?
All of my friends tend to be people I admire (or did admire).

I just don't require from a friendship that I feel good in comparison. Even though I really don't consider myself without failing! or a perfect friend! It's just interesting how people require different feelings from a friendship.

No I don't feel superior to my friends.
I accept people for who they are and feel we all have differing qualities. I don't compare. I love them for their uniqueness.
We've all got different backgrounds, life experiences etc but friends tend to stay friends because they have something in common.

It is common for people to be uncomfortable with change in others, because it requires an adjustment in both sides over how to relate.

I don't think a mentor relationship is the same as friendship.

People enjoying feeling superior is definitely a thing.

I have in my early 20s. but only when the friendship was very unhealthy. I think my friend felt it towards me too but in different ways (eg. I had a good career but she had bought a house/had a good relationship - both wanted what the other had). don’t think we’d be friends now as we’ve both sorted ourselves out and don’t really have much in common.

Thanks for responses. I read so often in other people's threads, even the current thread about the woman on holiday with a friend who is quite unapologetically treating her like a gopher. It's a mindset I can't imagine being so unembarrassed to treat a friend like a maid. Would love to know what the entitled one thinks her friend is thinking.

I think it's very normal to recognise your strengths compared to your friend, but feeling smug and superior and looking down on others because of your strengths isn't the natural conclusion to that.

I'm probably smarter than a couple of my friends but it doesn't make me feel superior, they have other strengths that I don't.

No, I don't feel superior to my friends. We all bring different things to the table and none of us are perfect.

I wouldn't dream of taking it upon myself to mentor somebody. I might offer advice or what I would do in any given situation if asked but I wouldn't be offended if they took no notice.

I'm maybe reading it wrong but there sounds like some sort of covert controlling element to what you're suggesting.

I feel like some of my friends feel superior to me (materially, for example), and let me know it, by judging me and through weird comments. This has led me to break off friendships. The strange comments about things about my life, stuck up behaviours etc.

I’m better off than some friends, worse off than others. Better at some things, worse at others. It all evens out - or should do. Honestly, I find it a weird way to look at friendships.

I am smarter than one friend. She knows it too, we laugh about it. I’ve known her a long time - there have been tensions as I was always the fat, poor, unlucky one which I felt like she enjoyed actually. Things evened out and I’m not fat or poor now, and I’m still smarter because that remained my strength.

Other oldest friend, we both think the other is the hottest and smartest one I think. She’s beautiful. But she tells me exactly the same. We are both quite individual people though so there’s not really a comparison.

my in laws I will 💯 tell you I’m smarter than them, and yes I’m superior about it, they aren’t nice or kind people.

I have a friend who is smarter than me and I know it and she knows I know it, but we find each other funny. She doesn't give me advice though because she knows I find things more challenging than she does, also, I never said, your house is big enough and nice enough, why move?. So we have equal social and emotional intelligence id guess. So it works.

@dreamydandelion yes, I bet you didn't break off the friendship the v first time you hears a remark that let you know you were "less".
I always give people the benefit of the doubt and then what was the benefit of the doubt turns in to our dynamic.

This. I recognise my own strengths and my friends' strengths but I've never felt superior to anyone.

I've sensed when people have felt superior to me though. I've walked away from those friendships pretty quickly.

I've quietly dropped 'friendships' where it become obvious that the friend really needed to feel superior about something or other (and often multiple things). The way they talk about their other friends/acquaintances is a big clue along with the odd patronising comment. The reaction when they discover that their assumed superiority...isn't as they thought can be alarming.

I kept a 'friend' like this for far too long (there was a reason but that has passed now). For the last few years I had to psyche myself up a bit before meeting her - I saw it as training for not rising to the bait and being a better conversationalist (I would pre-plan a variety of topics to keep her off bragging/badmouthing others to feel superior). In that respect then yes, I guess I felt superior to her - more mature and less insecure. Not great all round then. The final straw came and I just couldn't summon any interest at all in continuing.

With my longest-standing and closest friends there isn't even a hint of it.