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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What should I do?

7 replies

LLLO · 24/08/2023 16:32

Hi, wondering if anyone can offer any advice. My partner had a big birthday this year and since becoming an older age his mental health has really suffered and he keeps saying he isn't the person he once was and he wants to feel himself again. He cheated on me in May and kissed another woman, I saw the texts between them and it was literally only a kiss in the messages he said he wouldn't be leaving me and my little one because we were his life. I really struggled with this whole thing but for the sake of my family I forgave him. His mental health has been even worse since doing it, he said he lost himself and was instant sadness and regret after doing it but when doing it he likes the 'buzz' from it. He's undiagnosed ADHD and bipolar. Unfortunately the woman he kissed works for us and we really can't sack her cause we need the money, and they are still good friends even though they've agreed the kiss meant nothing and they both have families and are committed to their families. I am really struggling with the fact that something could happen again, he's promised and assured me it will never happen again but I'm struggling so much and giving myself panic attacks about it. I really want my family and he is trying but I have this black cloud in my head. I don't know what to do. Not sure even what I'm asking for, maybe just someone to tell me it gets easier? It annoys me that I'm such a weak person. Thanks for reading

OP posts:
EVHead · 24/08/2023 16:35

Is he receiving treatment for his MH?

LLLO · 24/08/2023 16:40

EVHead · 24/08/2023 16:35

Is he receiving treatment for his MH?

No, he will not admit there's a problem. He knows deep down but he will not open up to me or anyone. The only way I know is because he has slipped up, he is the sort of person that feels men should hold it all together and they don't have mental health problems

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 24/08/2023 17:17

How does him cheating somehow end up in you feeling like you're the problem?

It's not weak not to get over a betrayal. It's simply having boundaries.

Is he undiagnosed bipolar too or just the adhd?
Surely getting a diagnosis is important then? Otherwise its just guess work.

He's the one that's fucked up and for some reason you're feeling sorry for HIM. Fuck that.

What has he done to show he is sorry. He's still pal-ing about with her ffs!

What you should do is stop blaming yourself for having perfectly valid feelings and not being able to trust someone whos fucked up and done nothing since to regain that trust.

LLLO · 24/08/2023 18:02

Pinkbonbon · 24/08/2023 17:17

How does him cheating somehow end up in you feeling like you're the problem?

It's not weak not to get over a betrayal. It's simply having boundaries.

Is he undiagnosed bipolar too or just the adhd?
Surely getting a diagnosis is important then? Otherwise its just guess work.

He's the one that's fucked up and for some reason you're feeling sorry for HIM. Fuck that.

What has he done to show he is sorry. He's still pal-ing about with her ffs!

What you should do is stop blaming yourself for having perfectly valid feelings and not being able to trust someone whos fucked up and done nothing since to regain that trust.

I know exactly what you mean and I honestly feel such an idiot. I think I'm just so set on wanting to keep my family that I'm just destroying myself and blaming myself in the meantime. I honestly don't know what to do I'm so lost. I feel like I'm broken in to a million pieces and he just doesn't understand the extent in how it's effected me. Even when i explain to him it's like his brain doesn't comprehend. He's admitted to me it was a mistake and I'm silly enough to forgive him anyway but I just love him so much I can't let go ☹️ his mental health is affecting so much including his sleep now too, I woke up in the night to his whole body trembling and him in floods of tears apparently he was asleep but I'm not sure he was. He won't tell me what it was all about and I tried guessing but getting no where

OP posts:
UnderCarraigeWoes · 24/08/2023 18:17

I'd be worried that there is more to the cheating and he's worried shitless that it's going to come out in the wash.

Pinkbonbon · 24/08/2023 18:40

I agree with pp.

Personally I'd tell him to leave op. Even if it's just temporary.

I'd also expect him to go to therapy and to get a diagnosis and to drop all contact with this woman. If she must continue to work for you then all contact must be through you.

Before even remotely considering his return.

GingerIsBest · 24/08/2023 18:42

Aah the classic, "it's not my fault, I'm just so sad so I .... [shagged some other women/can't do childcare/won't be kind]."

what a total wanker.

And the lack of respect he's showing you is mind-blowing. I don't normally believe in smacking down the OW but she's no better.

The sooner you can disentangle yourself, the better OP.

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