Struggling with grief for my mum

[SomeonTookMyAnonymousUserName]

My mum died at the end of June. She'd had cancer for about 8 months and lived 'healthily' for 6 of those. Her decline was rapid and shocking.

My mum was 2 women. She was a wonderful, generous and loving mother/grandmother and she was a controlling narcissist who caused me and my own family a lot of upset.

I knew, before she died, that this contrast would cause some complex grief but I had no idea how difficult it would be.
I remember the bad times of course and am trying to recover from that but I also remember her wonderful qualities and I am bereft. I loved her so much and am struggling without her.

I am in so much pain; I feel it in my chest, my stomach, my head. I am a middle-aged woman crying for her mum, like a child. It all sounds so pathetic written down.

My DH and DCs saw how she often treated me and it seems to have allowed them the freedom to not grieve too badly. They can't understand why I can't do that. But I can't. She was my mum, she made me.

I seek signs from her everywhere but, unlike so many people I know, I don't 'feel' her. I honestly thought I would. I'm not religious nor do I have any solid beliefs about an afterlife but I do hope there is something. But it seems that there isn't as I'm sure she'd have come to me if she could.

There's no magic wand, I know, but how do I get over this pain that sometimes makes it difficult to breathe?

I feel very sad for you, Someon, but I do understand. I felt very much the same when my mother died.

Such things take time to process, I felt quite ill for some time after my mum died, it was fairly sudden and at first I thought it was all a bad dream, couldn't imagine her not being there.

My mother was a fabulous grandmother and very supportive of me/us but she was extremely difficult indeed when I was growing up, never admitting she was in any way wrong. She even lied and then denied it. She wanted to present herself to the world as a perfect parent and, by and large, she pulled it off, nobody knew except her nearest. We clashed all the time. However, she was my mum and was good in many ways, especially later on.

All I can say is this will pass. You will be able to accommodate it all eventually and move on. Your bereavement is fairly recent, Someon, be kind to yourself and take your time.

I didn't have bereavement counseling but I am friendly with a very experienced Cruse counsellor and, from what I have gleaned, they are a good organisation.

You take care.

I'm so sorry OP. Your words resonate with me because I've come to the painful realisation that my mother is also '2 women' - a combination of generous, supportive & interested DM & DGM, and a nasty, hurtful, manipulative one too.

My DF died a few years ago & this seems to have both precipitated some of her behaviour, as well as shaken our family relationships to make our difficulties more apparent.

The obvious answer, in time, is counselling. These feelings go very much to the heart of who you are and so are hard to express & experience.

I think after losing a parent, it's not that you forget the hard parts, but you learn to accept those, while hopefully holding onto the loving, warm memories. It's about acceptance really, and learning to live with two opposing but equal truths.

For now, can you allow yourself that grief, and be very gentle with your expectations of yourself? 💐

Grieving for a narcissistic parent is a complex and layered process. You might experience a wide range of emotions, including relief, guilt, anger, sadness, and confusion. Recognise that these emotions are valid and natural responses to the relationship you had with your mother.

It is still essential to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. Protect yourself by limiting your exposure to potential triggers and negative influences, especially from other family members or unresolved issues associated with the parent. Prioritise your well-being and surround yourself with people who support your healing journey.

Self-compassion is crucial when grieving a narcissistic parent. It's essential to recognize that you did your best within the circumstances and that you deserve love, care, and healing. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself time to heal without judgment.

Find a BACP registered therapist to work with.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had with your mother rather than the one you actually got.

Thanks you all so much. Your responses have made me cry (again!)

I think @AttilaTheMeerkat in particular , you get it. Not from experience I hope.

I think I thought her death would be a relief. And, while there is relief, it's much more sadness. And yes, so much sadness for the relationship we didn't have. Her wonderful side truly was wonderful. If only she hadn't been so cruel too.

so much sadness for the relationship we didn't have.

That's a core challenge for all those with problematic relationships with a parent, especially when you've arrived at a point where such a relationship is definitively not possible.

That's true of course with death, but can be before that point.

With death, sadly, any residual hope that change is possible, ends.

My own DM had this with her mother (and sadly doesn't see what she now does herself 😢) & since her death has felt & agonised over that pain, and seems incapable of moving on.

I think Attila's points about boundaries are very wise & important. It could be helpful to look for support in creating & sustaining boundaries around your own grief in this regard, to avoid giving more of yourself to this emotionally complex situation than is wise.

I'm so sorry someone. I would just echo the very thoughtful posts here. I lost my mother towards the end of last year. We also had quite a scratchy relationship, although it had improved, and in her last year we became quite close. Grief is weird and surreal and creeps up on you when you maybe least expect it. A dear friend framed the loss for me in terms of "you get used to it" which I found both comforting and devastating. I miss my mum terribly despite all our troubles over the years. I know that she loved us and I can hold that thought alongside some of her hurtful rejections. It's complicated.

I didn't really feel that I'd turned a corner until quite recently when I started to reconnect with friends and feel more like myself.

This is a rather rambling post. Just know it's still early days for you. There's no set timetable and it's OK to actively grieve - try not to bottle it up. Please be patient with and kind to yourself

I think that's a lovely & hopeful post @franke

I feel like that about my DF. He had a complicated & debilitating illness, but died quite suddenly & very traumatically (in terms of his pain / what happened). For about a year, I barely thought of him or his illness. I was relieved, to be honest, after the awful few weeks of his dying.

But after that I really missed not the father he was during his illness, but who he was before that, and kept thinking how much I'd like to have that version now, and how much he'd like to share in certain parts of my life.

He was a challenging personality but our relationship was more straightforward than with my mum. His death propelled her into grief which seems to have led to the worst part of her coming to the fore, including deeply hurtful behaviour to me in particular (out of the 4 siblings).

I feel for you OP. My mum is still alive but I can relate to some of what you talk about.
I hope you take something from the good responses above. Please be kind to yourself. 🌺