Menopausal and testing teens=unhappy marriage

[Meltinthemiddle]

Well I am 42, peri menopausal and have two testing teens, one of which is nearly breaking me. I also hate and resent DH right now, one because he has a shit relationship with Ds 1 so most of the parenting and shit falls on me because if DH gets involved it just explodes. I don't think their religion is repairable. And two because I don't feel he is emotionally their for me, but I don't know if any man would if I'm honest, so am I just expecting too much? I feel tired, drained and broken and I want someone to notice and to help me and recognise I need a break. I haven't had a holiday or break away for 3 years. DH always says we will do this next year etc but it never comes or happens. He used to be romantic and spontaneous and now there isn't anything. Everything is planned or I have to suggest or give him the ideas which almost takes enjoyment. Living with 3 men (15 and 18) but more kids is just taking its toll. Today I just thought I don't even know if I love DH anymore, there is not confection or affection mainly because I don't feel it. I have just started HRT so not sure if this is hormone related, feel like I am going insane.

Sorry big thumbs and auto correct.

It could be hormone related. It’s probably also the realisation that many women have when they hit their 40’s having spent their life looking after others. “What about me!”

Yes you could be right! I feel burnt out to be honest. Every time I look at DH he just annoys me.

Hi op I'm going through the peri menopause I'm 41 and have a 9 year old boy and a nearly 4 year old girl going for 7 hour skull surgery next week I understand everything you are saying my OH is really trying but I'm shut off from him completely my doctor said the emotions are all over the place HRT will take time to work good luck

The question to ask yourself is - would it make my life easier if DH wasn’t here ?

Do you have any free cash, OP? Any chance you could just leave the lot of them behind and get away for a few days? Great that you've got yourself on the HRT.

Very tempted to just leave for a few days! Life maybe not easier without him, but he has had 2 weeks off work and just feel i would have been happier on my own doing. i feel lonely, misunderstood and just at everyone else's demand.

I feel exactly the same, if it's any consolation. I feel like I'm just here to keep everyone else's life in order. A bit like a shadow. You can see me, but there's nothing there.

It's so hard, but I just have to try to get small moments and little treats when I can.

Your last sentence sounds very peri. But you’re not alone.

I’m post-menopausal (age 51 now) and went through a horrendous time, emotionally. My periods stopped, abruptly, at 45 and I felt like I was on another planet a few months later. I felt the same about my husband. He annoyed me. Same as what you describe and, like you, it was me who dealt with all the demands of all family members. Nobody thought about my needs. My menopausal symptoms went unnoticed by my husband, which irritated me even more. He never even thought to read up into menopause. Instead, he thought I was going mad. Totally unsupportive.

I guess that I became very aware that I was living in a dead marriage (we hadn’t had sex in many years - I was interested in him - nor was their any affection).

I didn’t take HRT but I did start getting away by myself and enjoying the freedom and peace. I also did a lot of thinking and realised that I wasn’t happy in my marriage. I couldn’t blame the menopause for lack of sex etc. because it became clear I just didn’t see him in that way.

It was a catalyst - the menopause. I filed for divorce. No regrets.

Not saying this is what you should do as I am very aware of how hormonal changes can affect a woman’s emotional state - it’s awful - but there may be a deeper reason for why you’re feeling this way.

*there

Thank you, for your replies. Its mad and the only way I can describe it is I feel like I m drowning and screaming for help but no one can hear me. DH is just oblivious, even when I've tried to explain. He doesn't seem to hear me or understand. I'm not sure how I truly feel about him..I just feel like I'm going through the motions of sex, marriage, parenting etc but not enjoying any of it. I seem to find myself wanting to spend more time alone, with my own thoughts. I just want peace. God I sound like a crazy women 😔

This is exactly what changes in hormones, during peri and menopause, does to you. It made me feel overwhelmed with everything. The GP dismissed menopause with me, even though my periods has stopped, as he said I was too young!! As a result, I went through the whole thing without any HRT or support. Men are a bit clueless with menopause (not all) so don’t get why their wives can suddenly change into someone less tolerant.

Hopefully, in your case, HRT will help but try and get alone time as much as possible. You need to ride through this storm in the best way possible. It does pass, eventually. Watch out for the sex surge too - not all women get this, but I did ☺️.

HRT may well be very helpful. It has been for me.
But it won't cure your husband's inability to listen and care. Menopause can hit us like a ton of bricks in all kinds of ways. But generally it makes us less tolerant of issues that we were coping with previously. HRT is not going to make your partner's attitude better.
You really do have the right to tell him clearly that you need more from him.
Or he may find like PP's exH that when you feel a bit stronger and have more clarity with HRT you'll up and leave.

Everything else the above posters said...
Plus, for clarity - you are no one's slave.
Even while you're figuring out your thoughts, you should take a break from everything you can - the sex and parenting for sure. Teenagers can take of themselves for a few days, plus they have a father. If it still falls on you go somewhere else for the weekend.

I'm 46 and started the HRT a couple of months ago.
For me it was hormone related, the rage I was feeling, the exhaustion etc were real and the eased a bit the first month and a lot the second.

I use to have a full week of that and now I'm having a few hours only just before my period come. It worked for me so hopefully will work for you too.

In the other hand if you deal with too much ordinarily ease your agenda. That will also help. I did it and I feel better now that a begining of the year when a reached the lowest point and decided to go to the doctor.

I hear you OP I'm similar, 46 now and I don't feel the menopause symptoms as much, I was worse a few months ago. Everything about DH puts me on edge, its like we have an energy clash. He is highly strung and can be dramatic and shouty but also very enthusiastic and restless. I'm the opposite and everytime he walks into the room I just think F off, I can't deal with you now. I feel this deep slow burning anger towards him that doesn't seem to leave. We are drifting further apart every day.

Take a few days OP. It's doable just a matter of organising it. I went away for 24 hours a few weeks ago, stayed in a cheap hotel and walked, read my book etc and it helped a lot. I honestly thought I was going to run away in the night before that.

I hear you OP, same here with me. Feel like a housemate rather than a wife and not felt this before. I'm 52 and menopausal and keeping it together for the kids at the moment but not sure what i will do when they leave and it just me and DH.

Things were made worse for
me as my husband was at hime
self-isolating through Covid (he’s asthmatic). I was working FT in the NHS. Having him at home all the time made me worse and very aware the marriage was crumbling.

I definitely think menopausal women see things and feel things that they wouldn’t pre-hormone craziness!

Thank you, reassuring I'm not the only feeling like this and it's temporary. Do you think these feelings are temporarily? Definitely relate the oh f off when he comes into the room.

Sorry a bit off topic, but how did all of you taking HRT under 45 get it? My GP completely refuses.

Have you told your GP you're having terrible hot flashes, Beurla? It seems to be the only symptom the crap GPS take seriously.