He has lied to me.

[Sumotwins]

So DH has been married twice prior to being with me. He has always maintained that his first marriage ended because she was cheating on him with one of his colleagues and then she stopped his seeing their child and refuse to disclosed their location etc and that he fought hard through the court to see him but that she just refused to comply with court orders. He also told me that he divorced her, citing and admission of adultery on her part.
his second marriage ended allegedly because he cheated on his wife on a drunken night out and they never got over it. when we got together she suspected that we had been having an affair for years ( which I certainly was not a part of).
we have had a few blips where he said he was at work when we first got together ( we work in the same building) and when I was driving home from work I could see that he was parked at her house. He initially denied being there and then admitted that he was and said sorry for lying to me.
today I was clearing out our filing cabinet as it was spilling over and I came across the paperwork for his first divorce. It is cited that she petitioned the divorce citing adulter and unreasonable behaviour on his part and the solutions letters contain an affidavit where he makes an admission of adultery. I can also see from correspondence that his admission of adultery was with an unnamed person but was the dates cited that it happens coinside with his then girlfriend and later wife being pregnant with their first child.
there are also letters regarding him not turning up for child contact.
it also had details of a court order issued stating that she was to receive a sizeable chink when he receives his pension.
moving onto second divorce it cites unreasonable behaviour and claims their date of separation was 6 months after we started dating.
I am so upset. I shouldn’t have continued reading through it but once I had clocked the decree No so saying that he had committed adultery I couldn’t stop.
I really don’t know what to do. I can’t even bare to look at him tbh and I’m not very good at hiding when something is wrong. He’s not who I thought he was at all. What a bastard.
I can’t kick him out just yet as I’m saving for house deposit and finance to keep my ducks in a row so I can maybe leave. He can keep the house we are in now as it’s rented.
I know it may sound like I’m a twat for feeling this way but I am absolutely devastated and feel like a complete fool.

You discovered what he is. It's always better to know. Plan a life without him now.

Oh lord, the old "crazy ex" story.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Just take it slow - there is no need to make any decisions right now. You will be in a bit of shock, so be gentle with yourself for a few days.

On a practical note - if you’re married won’t the savings you have for a house be half his?

You might be better of leaving now for the financial split, but speak to a solicitor as I am certainly not an expert.

You're not an idiot at all, there's nothing that you've done wrong here but better to find out now than later. Thank God you did.

Get your ducks in a row and then get outta there sweetheart, he's lied through his teeth and frankly you have every right to end things with someone like that, if he lies about that what else is he lying about.

you'll get all the support in the world here.

I would leave now.

If you wait to save more he will be entitled to half so you’ll be no better off.

Leopards and spots. why are people so surprised by this. you dont need to make any plans to leave him at all @Sumotwins because if you wait a few more months maybe a couple of years he will be off shagging someone else and filing for divorce on the grounds of adultury which he will no doubt admit to. Save yourself the next couple of years of being sherlock holmes and trying to find out how and when he is cheating. because he will cheat, he doesnt want to stop.

Good advice ! He’s probably shagging someone else already

We have a pre nup as we are in Scotland where it is enforceable stating that our saving and pensions are our own if we are to divorce and likewise if we are to acquire property.

Just treat him as house mate until you are ready to leave. Id disclose nothing, you owe him nothing. The forced time together will no doubt develop your contempt for him and make it easy to leave when the time is convenient. I'm sorry for your loss, it must be awful knowing the person you married never existed.

I would take pictures of what you found because I guarantee he'll gaslight you about this.

That's pretty ghastly.
He is not the man he painted himself to be.
Could you do him under the mis-selling of goods act I wonder 🤔

Sorry, dark humour.

I'm surprised you fell for that in the first place, I'd have though oh yes that sounds like a likely story but then I expect I'm a lot older than you and much more cynical.
You really do need to dump him, a leopard never changes its spots and he will do exactly the same to you.

Jeez you would almost think that was my ex husband. Lol biggest fraud lier ever. Still tells friends he was stopped seeing son etc..no he never turned up to court dates. He lied to CSA. Eventually the judge put a fine on him for messing about and until he pays it the judge won't deal with the case again. His latest tried to get court to sort visiting order under different details. Then claimed I was a missing person lmao and again judge imposed another fine so now he owes to massive court fines for messing everyone. 13 years all lies lies lies but hey never seen son either. All his own lying choice. Funny enough I divorced him for adultery he tried to spin it around but didn't work out

Even if you forgave him for this you have to question the character of a person who will not shoulder any responsibility for failure, will not accept any blame and will lie, cheat, deceive and manipulate everything g to portray himself as being the good guy.

A man like this is going to be a rubbish husband and a poor role model for his children.

You will have a life of trying to please him only to find that when you've had enough or he dumps you that he will weasel himself into another relationship with someone else and you will be portrayed as the evil witch.

Plan your exit carefully so that he only finds out at the last minute and you leave him high and dry.

Can you play the long game though OP? It’s very easy to say stick around until the time is right for you to leave but if you had what you thought to be a good relationship prior to this can you really keep that up for presumably the next few years until you’ve saved enough for your house deposit? Because that kind of saving isn’t going to happen overnight.

I know I couldn’t.

So, I phoned his ex wife to get the truth. I didn’t tell her that I had seen all the documents just said I was suspicious that there was some overlap and she told me everything it said in the paperwork. She also knows his ex wife before her and said he repeatedly cheated on both of them, he didn’t just have a one night stand once.
turns out while he was working abroad his first wife believed him to be working but actually he was working and in a second relationship with his now ex wife. Neither of them knew about the other.
I am so tired, I couldn’t sleep last night for all the worrying and upset. I ended up getting all the kids in bed, gave them extra tight hugs and then I got into bed myself and pretended to be asleep so he wouldn’t try to get any rumpy pumpy.
im going to look at some new bank accounts today for savings and current account and start to drop feed into it from main account.
I am going to be strong and get through this, I just pray I can get all my ducks lined up and him out of my life asap and still be able to keep my job.

Wow - that is so brave. Amazing op.

She must have known this was coming for you, though she couldn't warn you of it herself because he had kept her as the bad guy, so I imagine she felt compassion for you?

Keep holding on to those children.

I'm so sorry op he's a lying prick get your ducks lined up

So I decided to quiz him a little bit last night, not specifically about all of it, I just said someone at work ( we work in same company/ building) had mentioned that( shall we call her Donna) Donna has been promoted to ‘x’ and that isn’t bad considering she had an affair with a married man and they eventually admitted it was him.
I wouldn’t tell him their name. He said it was outright lies and that he would never cheat like that, he reiterated that he had a drunken one night stand and promised me that was it. I’m seeing some friends tomorrow that have worked at our company for 20 years. If the whole company knew about the ongoing affair then they would know about it.
this weekend has been horrible knowing and keeping my cool.
just trying to get everything sorted in case I do need to drop hours.

So, I met with my work colleagues and confirmed that he was in an affair with a woman at work. Longish term and he went to stay there when his ex kicked him out. One of them also confirmed an alleged 2nd affair that took place.
I have confronted him and he claims that it is all malicious lies and misunderstanding.
im just so confused and struggling to process it all.

You’re not confused; you know you are right. But I’m not surprised you’re struggling to process it.

Exactly. You shouldn't be confused, it's just more lies.

Stay strong and stick to your plan. You deserve much better

I would disagree. I am the 'third' . First at 18. Second at 24.. third at 44... we are now in our 60s.. and have lasted longer than the other two by three times. He just had to grow up and be with someone who doesn't take nonsense.

We are extremely happy. Have never had need to doubt him.

Depends on the life stage he is at imho.

You aren't crazy you aren't confused. You have read legal documents that he agreed too stating the extent of his cheating. You have confirmed this with his ex wife and a colleague.

He's lying as he knows that he is being cornered like a rat.