Advice on grandparents who make no effort

[Timetogonocontact]

Just that really, coming to conclusion it will be nearly 6 months that they haven't seen grandchild. Previous 2 times they saw them is because we took them to where they already were for a family event (so they would have been there even if we were not) and time before that we went to where they live. Despite constantly reminding them they can come visit us, they couldn't do dates we could visit them, they drive past us every few weeks or so to visit the other grandchildren. Spend whole weeks with them but can't even see us for 1 night. Slowly starting to realise we can't keep doing this to our child to realise they are massively favoured by their cousins. Any advice on how to let go?

SIL DC will always be favoured IME. We've had twenty years of it. SIL was given £10k for a house deposit and all her wedding paid for whilst DH got nothing so shouldn't come as a surprise.
They're now frail and elderly and SIL expects the care provided to be equal. Ha ha. No.

For your DC if they are welcoming and make it an enjoyable experience while you are there/when you happen to see them at other events then that will be fine. In my experience the actual GC are not the ones with the huge expectations. Yes children need involved and close relationships with their parents and e.g if one parent isn’t around it can affect children hugely but it isn’t the same with grandparents. Yes some people do sometimes have amazing relationships and input from an extended family member but many children have grown up very happy with just 2 loving parents and an average relationship with extended family or their grandparents were not even alive when they were born. I’m sure there are people your DC sees intermittently (e.g. other extended family) that they have a positive relationship with. They seem like they do make an effort when you go and visit them. You don’t have to ‘make an effort’ or inconvenience yourself to go and visit them, whether you go on another little break or day out with your DC or go to the grandparents, it really won’t matter to your DC. It will actually do more harm taking them to the GP with you all seethed up under your breath before/after the visit and especially is any perceived injustices between cousins highlighted by yourself. Just enjoy your lives and accept that the GP have their own lives which you are part of

Just step back. Stop making the effort. And don’t keep up any pretence either - if people ask, tell them the truth. “Oh no, PILs barely know our kids; they spend all their time with SIL and her family”. Let them reap what they sow….

We are in a similar situation. DH's parents have no interest in our DC and spend all their time with his sister's DC. They even moved to a house around the corner from them (only 30 mins or so from us). MIL has done the school run for the whole of primary school for SIL's DC. They take them on days out, watch their football matches, have them over for dinner and to stay over. They had our DS1 for a night once when he was 2 (now 13). Never had DS2 (7). DH has raised it with them both repeatedly. They say they'll take an interest and it lasts a couple of weeks and then it's back to how it was before.

I have massively lowered my expectations over the years. I rarely contact them and I only ever hear from them when they want something. They never ask how our DC are getting on at school etc. DH sees his dad every other week as they go to the football together but he never asks how our DC are.

SIL is the golden child and DH has definitely been treated very differently in the 20+ years I've known him.

It's disappointing but they are the ones missing out on my amazing DC.

We used to see DH's nan every weekend when she was alive, and she showed an interest, as does his other Nan, who we see a couple of times a year (she lives a couple of hours away). It's just PIL who aren't bothered.

I leave them to it now, I've given up making the effort.

Total opposite situation for me, I’m super close to MIL (who has 2 sons) and have a horrendous relationship with my mother who can go for months without so much as a text.

I am also sad for my DC but when I see how they interact with her on the odd occasions we do see her, it’s clear there’s nothing lost. She’s not that interested in them after a couple of hours and the DC don’t ask to see her at all. Totally different to MIL where we have countdown charts etc until we visit.

You can’t change how they are but I’ve made a promise to myself to not repeat my mums approach to family life as my children grow up.

@Eggsley do your kids notice? I think like @Clarie83 said I'm attributing my DH childhood and not wanting my child to feel the same (rejected) but they probably won't, as they have two loving parents (which my DH didn't have growing up), one set of doting grandparents on my side and lots of extended family on my side who dote on them too. But I guess I just feel that my child will notice as they get older! For example it feels like at Xmas the in laws are always talking about how they did x with other grandchildren last week, month, etc. ATM my child is too young to fully understand that means they drove past us to do x,y,z and didn't come see us for months on end..but at some point they will?

@Timetogonocontact DS1 notices and I do worry about how it affects him. We have explained that it's easier for his cousins to see PIL as they live around the corner. It's difficult though, as his cousins are both boys - one is the same age and one is a year younger, so he gets upset that PIL are so invested in them and not interested in him.

DS2 hasn't really noticed, he doesn't really know them and has only seen them a handful of times.

My DC have a good relationship with my parents, who we see every week and who are very interested in everything they do. They're 10 years older than PIL though so can't do as much now as mobility is limited etc. They are always happy to see DC and always ask how they are getting on at school, read their school reports, but their favourite drinks/chocolate/crisps, spoil them rotten!

Thanks @Eggsley I'm sure your parents do a great job making up for all the love!

In my experience GPs see the children of the favoured child more, regardless of whether they are a son or a daughter.

That's true in both my family (where my brother's family are prioritised over min eeven though I'm the daughter) and DH's family (where there is him and his brother, but his brother is the favoured child).

This thread is really sad for us as grandparents because we were really close to our grandchildren & DD met new partner & we just weren't permitted to see them. That was 5 years ago & I'm sure they missed us. They were with us every weekend & even had bedrooms at our house.

Yes I agree it's really important to treat all grandchildren the same despite the relationship you happen to have with the parents. I mean if someone has grandchildren with different children, they're still grandchildren & deserve the absolute best from you as grandparents.

This. It’s happened to me and DH with his children (my stepchildren) because MIL favoured her daughters children. BUT I can see DSD, who has recently had a baby , doing this too! Her mum, DH’s ex wife, and I, get on really well - no issue there. I’m already involved with my baby grandson (step grandson). But DSD’s mother in law to be, is already being (and feeling) a little shut out. Many reasons. DSD had a crappy birth experience, caesarean and feeding issues and just didn’t feel comfortable having MIL to be (and the constantly present FIL) around when she was sore , bleeding and had her boobs out trying to feed. Early days have set an awkward precedent, MIL has backed off, feels nervous asking to pop and see child while DSD’s mum pops in and out. Also, DSD’s partner, the young dad in the equation, isn’t oiling the wheels of communication with his own mum and helping her feel included , whilst his understandably knackered young partner recovers from birth. These early days are key. I am helping sort it all out by saying what I see, to both sides, which is hopefully helping. No one wants his mum shut out but I can see why it occurs. Especially as young dads communicate less well with their own mums , than daughters do with theirs. It may be what has happened here. OP needs to reach out and talk. I’ll put money on it that MIL has somehow felt unwanted (Maybe she feels she plays second fiddle to OP’s family) and it’s escalated. As a step parent / grandparent who is slightly removed, I see it clearly all across my family.

Hi op no its not easy. Mine are 20s now they pleasant to her but thats it... No big interest in kids over the years. They not close to her. My mil is v nice. Families are over rated lol

But if your DH has always had a very problematic relationship with his mother and stepfather, then it doesn't seem surprising. It's a pity, obviously, but they clearly feel the relationship is damaged/complex/something they don't want to deal with, and the presence of a grandchild hasn't changed that. Maybe it reminds them of their own past failings?

I've yet to see a thoroughly messed-up parent-adult child relationship 'repaired' by a grandchild. In one situation I've seen close up (DH's brother), it made it far worse.

We have exactly this with my DM. She has zero interest in DS, but will drive hours to my siblings house to mind her GC there, and has done many times. They are the ones that get the thoughtful & researched gifts and DS gets whatever random shite she has lying around wrapped.

Reading that, you'd think my DS was a little bollox but anywhere he's ever been he gets complimented to high heaven for being polite, well mannered, helpful and getting along with others including much younger DC so I know it's not him or me being a starry eyed mother blind to her little toerags faults.

Anyway, I meet DM for coffee and leave DS with his dad. That way everyone is happier. Once in a blue moon I'll bring him along if he wants. But I don't try to encourage a relationship between them other than him meeting her a few times a year in a family gathering. He's 11 now and he's now starting to see her disengagement but that it also applies to other cousins and not just him and that it's just the GC cousins that get the special treatment. And tbh, DM can be hard work at times so I'm glad I'm not the GC and in time he'll be glad he's not on a pedestal either.

His other GPs were wonderful people so he didn't miss out on loving grandparents.

Turf agree its difficult. Hard not to feel the hurt. My daughter got nothing at xmas. But other granny nice. Not nice when not treated the same.

Have you ever suggested getting all the grandchildren together when GPs call. Perhaps your SIL would invite your little one to join his cousins when they spend time with granny and grandad. It’s always very difficult treating DGC the same when you have different relationships with their parents. So many factors that make a difference to the overall dynamic

Incidentally this isn’t a new phenomenon at all. My DHs DGM once told a new acquaintance she had three grandchildren and named her daughter’s children. In fact she had four and had completely forgotten to mention my DH (her son’s child.)

It is inbuilt genetic preference. We know our daughter's children are genetically ours. Those that are putatively our son's are at best a maybe.