Advice on grandparents who make no effort

[Timetogonocontact]

Just that really, coming to conclusion it will be nearly 6 months that they haven't seen grandchild. Previous 2 times they saw them is because we took them to where they already were for a family event (so they would have been there even if we were not) and time before that we went to where they live. Despite constantly reminding them they can come visit us, they couldn't do dates we could visit them, they drive past us every few weeks or so to visit the other grandchildren. Spend whole weeks with them but can't even see us for 1 night. Slowly starting to realise we can't keep doing this to our child to realise they are massively favoured by their cousins. Any advice on how to let go?

I’m so sorry that gp are like this, it’s awful and I’ve seen it in my own family, where brothers children are not seen as often or effort made. There’s no easy answer that I know other than spending time with those who are interested in you and your children. Sorry and know you are not alone and there may not even be any particular reason which somehow makes it worse. ❤

Having similar issues myself at the moment but with my exs family. My ex has no contact with my children and for nearly 3 years it seemed that I was the only one making any effort for them to see my children. A few months ago I decided I wasn’t going to be that person anymore who always puts the effort and stopped. Surprise surprises they haven’t made any effort, haven’t even heard off their nana for 4 months to even see how they are doing, birthdays have gone by and they’ve received nothing. I think sometimes you just get to point where you’re more thankful for those who do genuinely care and stop expecting from those who don’t.
How old is your child? Has this always been the way their relationship with grandparents has been or has something changed?

Thank for replying. Grandchild is 3. Same age as other grandchild plus they've had another one since. The only thing I can see that is different is the others are from their daughter not their son. @Sid077 do you mean your parents see your children but not your brother's? If that is the case may I ask if you've ever challenged your parents on why?

Luckily for you your child is still young and it sounds like they’re not used to having regular contact with grandparents so it hopefully won’t impact them too much just yet. It’s such a hard decision when trying to work out what’s in the best interests of your children and knowing how them decisions will affect them in the future. If I was in your position I would probably ask your other half to have a word with his parents about it and see what they say. If they can’t agree to be consistent in your child’s life then I’d cut them off.
It’s better to try and sort these things out while they are young than have an older child wonder why they’re not good enough anymore.

Are there other GPs involved? What about aunts / uncles / cousins?

I'd focus on those relationships instead. Be grateful for those.

Sadly this difference between children of DD and DS is very common.

Has your DH always felt like the less wanted child? It’s not an uncommon dynamic for there to be a golden child who gets favoured - it’s not necessarily gendered.

In my experience Gp see the children of their daughter more, unless they have a son (and on board DIL) that is good at organising things (which is not my experience). I don't know why your in laws are being like that if you and your dh are willing and active.

This situation come up fairly often on here and usually seems to be the sons children who the less favoured grandchildren. With the DC of their daughter, the grandparents often feel more comfortable with the grandchildren and spending time in their family home, as well as often being able to influence parenting decisions. The daughter also will naturally share more of the pregnancy and newborn stage with their own mum compared to MIL. With the sons children, they tend to take more of a backseat, often not feeling as comfortable in the family home as they see it as DILs territory. It's just differing relationship dynamics which is natural but in these more extreme cases it's amplified by grandparents who really can't push aside that feeling of not being the ones in charge anymore and so instead just distance themselves. MIL often feel hostile towards their DIL unfortunately and then that spills over to not bonding with the DC. It's like cutting off their nose to spite their face.

As others have said, best to focus on other relationships. If they wanted to see the DC they would be there, as harsh as that sounds. Has DH ever pulled them up on it?

My advice is to just stop trying to encourage this relationship. These grandparents are being massively unfair to their grandchild, clearly favouring one family over another. I cannot understand it or comprehend why someone would ignore a child. they cannot be nice people deep down. They are certainly not going to add anything to your child's life.

I am surprised your dh's sister is happy with this situation. but maybe she doesn't know that they ignore you.

Focus on other healthier relationships - maybe with your family or other family members or friends. it must be really hard for your husband to know that his parents are like this.

Yeah, it’s the relationship with the children impacting the relationship with the grandchildren. Hand on heart, is your H a bit rubbish with his parents?

Like others have said, Focus on other relationships. My parents were uninterested when my children were younger, unfortunately now My parents have now realised they are aging rapidly and want a close relationship. We honestly find it hard as a family to find the time or the enthusiasm for it. My kids are very close to my husband’s family and often take it upon themselves to organise to see them which is great. My kids are polite to my parents but not overly comfortable with them, I honestly don’t care anymore.

We had exactly the same with DHs parents. I managed my own feelings by setting my expectations incredibly low to avoid disappointment. I knew challenging the status quo would have ended badly. All four kids are teens now and they don’t have a close or warm relationship to DHs parents. Interestingly their cousins (the favourites) don’t either. I was grateful that my own parents were very attentive and caring despite living in another country. My kids actively prefer them, liking them as people.

Lots of parents favour their daughter’s kids over their son’s. It’s very sad. Dh has 2 sisters but neither have kids so our DC are the only GC - it’s been made v clear to us that our kids wouldn’t get the attention they do if either of their daughters have kids 🙄

@Timetogonocontact large family and I didn’t have kids at the time, both my parents are dead now and one of them died before I had kids. Once I had my own I realised what had gone on, the remaining gp did take an interest in mine but was much older by then iyswim so much less active / expected of them by all of us really.

Thank you everyone. Yes my side can't go a week without seeing grandchild. Lots of friends who are "aunts and uncles" too. It's so hard to try and lower expectations when all I hear is their plans to drive past us and visit the others.

@NoSquirrels yes there is definitely a golden child in his sister and my DH is the black sheep.

@HeddaGarbled yes my husband could be said to be rubbish. However having read lots on here I can see why as soon as he was old enough he distanced himself from the family. His stepdad isn't the easiest of people and definitely favours "his children" emotionally and financially.

From what I can see his mum chose a new partner and family and having new children over my DH feelings as a child. DH father didn't want anything to do with him... so my DH turned into a bit of rebellion teenager and acted out. Eventually moved out as soon as he turned 16/17.

I think he has always felt "unloved" but his DM and stepfather probably don't see it like that and think they tried hard and he was just difficult. (Don't get me wrong sometimes he can be difficult and I have had to say he is overreacting but as time as gone on I can see why he reacts to small things).

I just feel my DH has tried to move past it and wants his parents to have a relationship with our child and despite trying they still continually favour the sister. Other sibling doesn't have kids yet so can't compare. If they were the same with other grandchildren and only saw them every 6 months is accept that. What hurts is the fact they can't go more than a few weeks not seeing the others but happy to bypass seeing ours.

Thank you everyone for letting me vent and making me realise it's not us but them!

My mother was an excellent and very fair grandmother and very clear eyed about herself and others. She admitted to me late in life that she always felt closer to my children than to my brothers. I suspect that it as partly just an instinctive, evolutionary mammalian thing, but also had a practical element. I was more relaxed around her than I was round my perfectly nice mother in law when my children were babies because she was my mum. And my sils felt the same about their mothers. So the foundations of their future relationships were laid.
She worked hard at being fair, and I wasn't aware of any differences- but maybe my brothers were? I do think this is the basis of many MIL issues.

Just to add to my last reply- my perfectly OK pils had lots of grandchildren near at hand and lived 4 hours away. They used to send us money that we didn't need (although cash is always nice!) or ask for and it used to irritate me. But I now realise that it was a slightly clumsy attempt to redress the balance a little.

I've recently had to say I am stopping child minding two young grandchildren as my health just is not up to it. I have not seen the kids since I stopped. My son's wife seems to control visits and I know I cannot go on a week night. At the weekends they always seem to be busy and no time for me visiting. I think I will be 'forced' into offering them a meal
At the minute I hardly cook for myself so that seems like a big ask. Possibly you could try extending a similar offer to the grandparents. Seems it is not easy from either side.

@Thistlelass I'm not sure what you mean. I don't expect the in laws to look after our child. Just want them to visit us. We always cook dinner and have spare room set up for them. Don't expect anything from them so not sure what else I could offer?

I don't see what you could do either if you are giving them a specific invite and have your hospitality sorted. I have assisted with care of grandchildren for more than 6 years but very little in return. Maybe it is me who is wrong in expecting reciprocity.

One of my grandparents had much closer relationships with her other grandchildren and really didn’t bother us, we still loved seeing them when we did and the lovely Christmas gifts etc. My own mother was closer to other grandchildren when they were little due to circumstance but in adulthood has built a great relationship with one of the others as they just get on really well. TBH think too many people on here seem to have ridiculous expectations of grandchildren then become intent on ruining any chance of a relationship between their children and their grandparents out of jealously and spite

expectations of grandparents

DH's parents are the same; although no other GC here, DH is an only child. I think his parents just really over-estimated how much they'd enjoy grandchildren. They were insanely overbearing during pregnancy and labour; and the first couple of weeks; and now haven't seen him in nearly a year. He's not even 2 yet. The last time they saw him he couldn't walk or talk 🥴

We don't force it. DH hasn't seen them either; which they're not happy about, but they don't mention seeing DS. He won't play their games.

I suspect if we had a daughter; it'd be very different - but I have no interest at all in suggesting to DS that he isn't enough, so they wouldn't be having contact with any future children, either. They've made their decision.

That’s so sad to read and cannot imagine treating any grandchildren (if I’m lucky enough to have in the future ) differently. Must be very hurtful.

@Clarie83 yes this is where I switch between trying to relax and not get jealous, but it isn't easy.

On the one hand there is the element of when we go visit them they are good with our child and they have fun. But it is always us to has to travel. I don't think I have high expectations, I would just like them to visit us once in a while a little more and as @pilates says it is hurtful they don't make the effort and are happy to drive past us to visit the other ones every few weeks. I'm not saying I expect them to visit us every time but it has been 10 months since they came to us and all other times have been because we visit them or visit the other sibling when they are there. So no effort on their behalf.

I've seen first hand how the favouritism has hurt my DH growing up and dont want my child to feel the same with their grandparents clearly love their cousins more.

I've decided we will continue to keep trying and visit when we can but I'm not using all my AL up to keep visiting. And if my child then notices/starts to ask why is grandma/grandad up visiting cousins and not me, then we Wil rethink.