Cheating and conditional sexual consent

[RiverSwift1]

Being lied to and gaslighted, having your emotional health kicked to a sad dark place, along with being exposed to potential health risks that might lead to infertility, or in the extreme, kill you (where medical intervention is too late eg genital warts leading to cervical cancer, AIDS) are some of the things dumped onto partners of a cheater.

Nobody wants to be cheated on and have to go through all the shit that goes with it….but what about the law ? Any lawyers out there? or anyone who would like to comment? A quick internet search shows the definition of conditional consent sex goes something like this quote:

"WHAT IS CONDITIONAL CONSENT?
Conditional Consent is when consent is given under imposed conditions. If an act falls outside of the given conditions, then the act is non-consensual and goes against the consent given.
The Sexual Offences Act 2003, at Section 74, requires that a person 'agree by choice, and has the Freedom and Capacity to make that choice'
Under UK law consent is specific and is required for each sexual act. In some situations it can be argued that by lying or deceitful action a person can deprive someone of making a full and free choice. For example, by removing a condom without consent or knowledge, the individual deprives the person from making a choice. The person may not have consented to the sexual encounter if they had been aware of the full facts". End quote.

........…“The person may not have consented to the sexual encounter if they had been aware of the full facts” mmm isn’t that what occurs when you are cheated on?

The below link talks about conditional consensual sex and the law in England and Wales

https://www.reeds.co.uk/insight/stealthing-and-conditional-consent/#:~:text=Conditional%20Consent%20is%20when%20consent,goes%20against%20the%20consent%20given.

The example given was a sex worker and the customer was sent to jail as it was nonconsensual sex as he removed the condom…. exposing her to potential health risks...just like a cheater does each time they have unprotected sex with their faithful partner, who has been deceived and would not in many cases be having sex with their cheater if they knew the truth. Depriving them of their wish to have protected sex, now that their cheater’s sexual health is now questionable, or to bloody abstain from further sexual encounters now the unfaithful one has broken their promise to have an honest, monogamous relationship.

(If you read through all the above link, you’ll see that the person convicted was told by her not to, and also a google search reveals he also made threats after she went to the police so it was easier with this extra evidence to convict him)

I’m not a lawyer but IMO if you’ve made promises to be faithful or have told your partner that your sexual relation is ‘Conditional upon us both being sexually exclusive’ and they agreed to that conditional consent, then they cheat, they are now having non consensual sex with you. And they are at least morally sexually assaulting you, each and every time they sleep with you. At the minimum I think they are guilty of the crime of sexual coercion.

Sexual coercion includes: “…unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way.

• Tricked: “Being lied to or being promised things that weren’t true to trick you into having sex….”

www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/sexual-coercion

Yes, I know I’m lining myself up for some backlash from some of you and there are a lot of cheaters out there. But shit it would be great if it was also politically correct to say he/she is morally a sexual assaulter, because in manly incidences it would hurt a lot less to be bashed up by a stranger than be cheated on. And yes, maybe too idealist to think humans as a collective whole could one day morph into compassionate enough people who’d say “you know Jane, I’m thinking about banging Mina from accounts next Friday after work! you got a problem with that?” first, and you know …kind of think yeah probably best to separate first if Mina is worth it.

@Pumkinsareshortlived
Yes, it’s such a horrid thing to do to someone. And gaslighting is incredibly bad, it’s like being mind fckd, so bad for your mental health. After years of being lied to I’ve anxiety.
@Nelly10 "put at risk... deliberate and reckless" 100%
@Newuname199987 “I read somewhere that the most unsafe sex you will probably have is sex with your long term partner when you think you’re in a monogamous relationship with them” yes I could imagine this, especially in a long term relation when you believed in your heart they’d never cheat, so you let the yearly pap smears become sporadic because everything has been fine for all those previous years, which can lead to very bad things : (

I hope that everyone who has been cheated on has gone onto having a better life, you all deceive so much better

This.

Sorry OP it is totally ridiculous to make infidelity illegal

I think you'd find half the population would have to be locked up if we went by this logic (probably more that don't get caught).

I agree with you morally op.

@letthatmango
What you’ve written is very concise, yes it would be such a great step in the right direction to have more discussions, and understanding of the impact. Best wishes

Lizardonachair
Locking people up? I don’t think that could happen. I tried to make a joke in one of my replies that it wouldn’t be possible as there mightn’t be many lawyers left to do so.

@letthatmango I agree. The feelings that I have around the affair and being put in a position where I didn’t have key information that would have enabled me to make informed decisions is devastating.

@MrsMagistrate
“I’ve known many women cease to have sex when they suspect their partner is cheating. It can be a defense mechanism to prevent sexual health being compromised". I’ve not thought of that aspect -of it being a defense mechanism, but that makes sense. It’s the feeling of not feeling safe and secure within the relationship. The feeling of loneliness and this pulling away by the cheater and maybe your body does eventually pull away as a result of all that conscious or subconscious stress.

Yes it’s like a violation of your human rights, I hope one day the vast majority of people view it that way and develop their integrity to at least inform their partner first.

About your sniffer dog. This has happened to my brother! His best friend was having sex with my brother’s wife. Once when all three were together the dog bit his best friend, resulting in multiple stitches needed (big solid rottweiler) That dog had never shown any sign of aggression before. My brother got the dog put down as he thought there was something wrong with it. Turned out the dog didn’t like the best friend before my brother.

@MrsMagistrate
*About your sniffer dog "examples you gave" (not that you've a sniffer dog)

Could we not expand this concept to the marriage contract? If a person is induced into marriage on a misleading basis (eg female being a virgin), then surely this is fraud? In every commercial context it would be a criminal offence.

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years, and we have a great relationship. We're both really busy with school and work, but we make sure to spend time together every day. About 6 months ago, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me because he started acting strange , he started giving his phone more time , so I had to call a friend who helped sent me the contacts of some programmers on t e l e g r a m (+17192841208) . They helped me remotely gain access into his phone . I had receipts so I confronted him and He told me he was hung over and had sex with someone else when I travelled to Amsterdam for a week. He said that it was just one time and he regretted it, but I don't know if I can ever trust him again. He says that he's been tested for STIs (like HIV) and everything came back negative. But I'm still worried about getting pregnant cos we did have unprotected sex a night before I left for Europe. He doesn't like it when we use condoms . I'm still scared till now

I see where op is coming from. But rather than protecting people from the emotional toll of a cheating partner, it would end up as another tool in an abusive partner’s arsenal. Imagine wanting to leave a relationship, but you can’t because your partner has ‘evidence’ (that would be very easy to fake) that you cheated.

There are also legal vows to love, honour and cherish. It might get very complicated. If he had told me he had never cherished me then I wouldn't have had sex with him, he didn't tell me so he's a rapist. But come to think of it I didn't tell him I no longer cherished him so am I a rapist too?

What of the women who have deliberate contraceptive fails? Are they rapists? Or technically because i think under British Law a woman can't rape a man, sexual assaulters.

The vows you take as part of the wedding service do not form part of the legal marriage contract in law.

Sorry, but that's the way it is.

I'm not at all saying that morally people who cheat aren't anything but awful, but there is no provision in law in the marriage contract to honour and cherish.

No but they could be relevant to informed consent.
if I said I would only sleep with people who cherished me and you lied and said you did so I slept with you, have you raped me?

The legal words that make up the marriage contract and have to be included in the registry office ceremony/any church service are

“I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment why I (…) may not be joined in matrimony to (…).”
“I declare that I know of no legal reason why I (…) may not be joined in marriage to (…).”
“I call upon these persons, here present, to witness that I (…) do take thee (…) to be my lawful wedded wife/husband.”
“I (…), take you (…) to be my wedded wife/husband.”
Or, “I (…) take thee (…) to be my wedded wife/husband.”

There is no legal vow to cherish. And if there was, you'd need a legal definition of cherish.

The religious or other vows are not part of the marriage contract.

You didn’t read my last post carefully.

im not saying the marriage vows are legally enforceable, l’m speculating whether they could ever be part of informed consent.

For what it is worth I vowed to cherish at my marriage in a church in England in the 1990s