Will I ever feel better

[GothSummer]

My marriage is breaking up, all started at the beginning of July but for me I've not been happy the past five years. H is not a horrible person but we've grown apart and I can now see that some of his behaviour was controlling - although I don't think this was intentional.

Having counselling but I cannot see a way through that doesn't end in is splitting. We have a DD (8) and I'm worried that I'm causing all this grief/upset for her and H - if I could turn back time I would and I would have kept my mouth shut.

I feel awful, currently on holiday (just me and DD) and I am struggling so much, being surrounded by families and couples is killing me. I feel completely broken and things I was once looking forward to (gigs, social gatherings) I now cannot think about without feeling so anxious. I loved being social and now I just can't see how I'll get back to that. I know it's still early days but I have honestly never felt this awful.

Some days are better than others but I cry everyday, and everyday I just wish I could stop
the pain. I'm back to work at the end of the month and that too is filling me with dread - I feel I'm always acting up to the GothSummer that people expect, it's very tiring

Not really sure why I'm posting, I have people in RL to speak to but being in a different country makes me feel like I can't reach out to them. So typing it all here anonymously seemed to make sense....

Yes but it could take a while. You will definitely get over it at some point I’m sure

See, I'm struggling to see how I will get over it. I honestly cannot see any end.
The thoughts of being alone for the rest of my life also scare me - I never thought I'd be in the situation and yet here I am.
I keep reading threads on here about how people have got through but I cannot see myself in that position.

No.one else could see how they'd get through it at the time either. But we all do.

For varying unrelated reasons, I lost almost my entire family within 4 months many years ago (both parents, my husband and all extended family related to these). Due to family circumstances at the time, I knew people but didn't really have any friends. So I had no support network either.

It was towards the end of the year and I woke up one morning and realised that the New Year represented to me the start of the rest of my life and I had a choice.

There's a line in The Shawshank Redemption about how you can get busy living or get busy dying. This came to mind and I realised that, however I felt now, the future really was in my hands.

I accepted an invitation to a drink from someone who I'd previously turned down (not a date - a supportive friendly drink from someone I didnt really know well with a group of people i didn't otherwise know at all) and had to really force myself to go but it snowballed from there. Over a decade on, I'm in a lovely relationship with someone completely unrelated to that initial drink and those people but who I would never have met had I not gone. I made the next year my Fuck It year. I didn't turn any invitation down. I even went on a spa day <shudder>. I put myself forward for things I never would have before.

I thought about who I wanted to be and what I wanted my life to look like and I made it happen as best as I could. I had to accept things I'd rather not have had to accept and I did things I'd never do again (not bad things - just things that weren't really me beyond the fuck it year - like singing solo on stage 🙈)

There have been bumps on the road along the way. Days when I've wondered if I could go on and days when I've been so high on life that I thought I'd never come down. And none of it was particularly easy to begin with.

Nowadays, I'm in a job I'm happy in, I have a great partner, I play bass guitar in a punk band. I've had so many adventures that I never would have had if I'd still been with my husband.

It didn't feel like it at the time but it actually turned out to be the best thing that could ever have happened. And I made that happen.

You don't have to have all the answers now. You dont have to be able to see the future clearly. Take each day at a time. Give yourself some breathing space but then go to the gigs and social gatherings with people who care about you and get busy living

It will get better @GothSummer . Right now you're right in the thick of things and everything is very raw. Be kind to yourself and be patient.
Those of us who are divorced know what you're going through. There we days when I counted the hours I wasn't crying to be the highlight of the day! Then gradually I noticed some days I didn't cry at all and eventually I stopped crying altogether. But that doesn't happen overnight.

Years later I'm in a much better job than I had while married. I independently own my home (with a mortgage obvs) I have an active social life - I enjoy going to gigs - I've been known to go to the cinema ALONE and life is generally good.

Take one day at a time

Thank you @TakeOverTheWorld and @Thisisme23
Reading comments like yours do help, I think being in a hotel surrounded by families and couples and also a large wedding party is also making me feel worse! Perhaps a return to work/normality will help

Why are you pretending to be happy like you were before? You're just exhausting yourself more than you need to, aren't you?

@Watchkeys not entirely sure what you mean. I'm not trying to be happy like I was before, I'm trying to keep things together for my DD so I don't ruin her holiday and also hope to see a future beyond how I feel right now. I don't want to lose my identity which I feel is being lost, so not really wanting to go back to when things were happier - just wanting to know that I can come out of the other side

I feel I'm always acting up to the GothSummer that people expect, it's very tiring

I meant this. Who is 'people'? Not your DD..?

@Watchkeys people at work. Not everyone knows and I don't really feel up to telling everyone at the moment. Partly because it's none of their business, I don't want pity (I know there will be people who will pity me) and it is exhausting explaining the situation. I understand what you mean now, but I think that pretending all is ok would be less exhausting than being honest