Dreading being on my own this year

[2023Tobeornottobe]

I am really dreading Christmas, this year more than usual I know, it's only August and I'm sorry to bring the C word up! Background - I am nearly 50, single, Mum and Dad both passed away, Dad in 2020 so it's still quite recent. No other family apart from my younger brother. What has kicked this sad feeling for me is that my brother wants to go away for Christmas but he does not want me to go with him, I offered as seeing as it's just the 2 of us at Christmas I thought it would be nice. Brother is very selfish and was hurtful saying he didn't want me with him and that our family were all dead. So here I am in August (!!), feeling very sad and apprehensive about one bloody day of the year. My friends all have partners/children etc, I feel pathetic even admitting that I have nowhere to go.
I can't shake this feeling of doom, so I'm hoping to hear from others that may feel the same way about Christmas or be in a similar situation as I feel like the only person in the world with no family (which I know is not true). Any ideas/inspiration or tips on how I get through this?

If you have the means I would 100% advocate for going away too - go somewhere un-Christmas-y like Thailand - doesn't have to be a big leap, lots of nice hotels and tourist stuff to do/sit on the beach/in a beach bar - and you will likely find lots of solo travelers out that way if you're open to it.

Or a guided tour/holiday of basically anywhere you fancy - there are travel agencies set up for single travelers with some amazing stuff to go and do/see.

Sometimes we have to try to accept the things we cannot change and embrace another route.

Alternately if a trip isn't right for you, take advantage of the time you have to arrange it and see if you can 'lock in' some dates with friends for days out/evening drinks/Christmas markets or whatever - with this much notice people should be able to commit!

And when all said and done, it's just a day like any other. More people struggle than not, especially at the moment with COL etc. Don't go down a social media rabbit hole of hot chocolate and matching pajamas as it's just not real...

I also would go on holiday! Somewhere warm and relaxing and not full of families and Christmas stuff. Let your brother do what he wants, look after yourself.

As this is something you can't change, don't give the day this kind of power. It is one day. And while you want to be together, your DB needs to be alone and that's just as valid.

Agree with pp that going away is a great idea.

Or alternatively plan your perfect day, whatever that looks like. Ignore the C word and the things we're told to do on that one day.

I once knew someone in a similar position, he booked onto a group tour in South East Asia. Said it was the best thing he did. However, if you’re a fan of a traditional Christmas then I understand that this might not be an option. I know it’s easier said than done but try to focus on planning a day you would really enjoy. Is popping into friends’ houses for drinks an option for example? If you told friends how you were feeling I’m sure they’d be glad to include you somehow. I like having visitors on Christmas Day. Hope you can make plans that make you happy.

Can you still go away? Or how about volunteering somewhere Christmas Day? Someone I know volunteered at a homeless shelter on Christmas Day

Thank you for all your replies - yes a holiday does seem very appealing and I have been on holiday on my own before (and loved it) so that is not an issue. Must choose somewhere non Christmassy which shouldn't be that difficult.
I don't like Christmas that much anyway, it is not a special day, just a lot of pressure (and I don't drink either so even more reason to dislike the excess)
And I particularly agree, this is a situation that I cannot change, acceptance is the answer.
I'll head over to the holiday boards now!

I agree with PPs.No way you can replicate a family Christmas at home. But there are other ways to spend Christmas. You could go on an adventure trip where others will be in a similar position. Pick one for solo travellers if you want to ensure you won't be surrounded by people who know each other.

Depends where you live but I once out of curiosity looked up MeetUp for Christmas Day and there were several in London, including lunch at a hotel, a visit to a Christmas Day service and a park walk on Christmas morning, all with lots of people signed up for each activity.

Alternatively you could ask your local church if they can put you in touch with anywhere that offers a group celebration on the day for single and/or bereaved people. don't feel bad about asking for help or support or admitting you are seeking company on that day. Lots of people feel the same.

it is not a special day, just a lot of pressure

Can you not celebrate freedom from pressure? That's what I used to do when I spent Christmasses alone (and I chose to spend them alone) I simply decided to have a nice day indulging in whatever I wanted to do, and being glad I wasn't 'having' to do things. Baileys for breakfast, Netflix in bed, or a 10 mile afternoon run followed by 2 pizzas, or reading the Booker prize winners all day long with plenty of luxurious food, including chocolate, in the house... it is a special day!

Just to say I’m so sorry your DB has this attitude OP. That’s sad 😢

I'd defiently look into going on holiday. Either by yourself or have a nosey on Facebook as there are quite a few groups on there for people On there own who would like to holiday with others and arrange group holidays. This is what my ex MIL has been doing since her husband died and she has made so many new friends through doing this and now has a regular bunch that she holidays with or meets for day trips 🙂

Hi OP

Just wanted to say I know how this feels. I have spent the past two Christmases completely on my own (aside from my pets!) so I get the feeling of trepidation you have as December approaches.
I am single, no children, one parent and my only sibling have passed away and I’m NC with my other parent due to a whole host of issues I won’t go in to here.

The only advice I can give is don’t overthink it. It is just one day and I treat it as I would any other Sunday but with better food! I’ve actually enjoyed the past two as I’ve been free of the expectations of others and have been able to do as I please all day. Lunch when I want, go for a walk when I want and snooze in front of the tv when I want.

Please know you’re not alone and there’s usually some great threads on here over the festive season from those in the same position .

Yes that is what has made me the most sad, it's my brother's attitude. Even when I told him that he had hurt my feelings by what he said, he just told me to get over it. I didn't want him to change his mind but it was the callousness. I have to set boundaries with him, and it's sad because he is my only family left.

Volunteer for one of the charities that offer the full turkey on Christmas day. It'll keep you busy and you'll probably meet new friends and possibly find further purpose.

Just a suggestion.

How about going to your local church? Just generally.
A kind church can offer friendship and inclusion all year round.

You don't have to believe in the pearly gates just the essence of a coming together, listening to proverbs and celebrating being given this life. Also by Christmas something may appear that you just haven't even considered yet.

Christmas can feel like a lonely time.

The first year my exh left I was meant to be going to my brother and his family for Christmas Day with my DC (1yrs). Late on Christmas Eve he messaged changing plans and it was too late to go out to buy food or arrange to go somewhere else. I still remember now going out for a walk with my DC in the pushchair and seeing families all together laughing and enjoying the day. It was awful. I was really cross that my brother had so little insight as to the fact I’d be alone.

Anyway I also advocate going away somewhere nice.

Hi OP, I totally get this. I'm a single mum and I have the kids every other Xmas. This year they are with their Dad. My Mum will spend this year with my brother and his family and I can't go because my SIL hates dogs so my dog isn't welcome (and they live 3 hours away so can't leave my dog at home). So I also have the feeling of dread. I have a lovely single friend who has no family so may spend it with her but its such an awful feeling that you don't 'belong' anywhere. I hate that every other Xmas I have to worry about spending it alone. But, its probably more common than you think. My problem is that I focus too much on what other people are doing Xmas day, instead of just focusing on myself.

A friend of mine found herself in a similar position a few years ago (didn't get on with her sister, both parents gone) .... she was dreading Christmas and signed up for a singles holiday abroad. She had a fab time and made friends she is still in contact with. Takes courage to make that step but very worthwhile if you can.
It wasn't singles as in romance, just people on their own wanting to meet others for a holiday.

Thank you for your suggestions.

I'm also worrying about what to say to people when I'm asked what my plans are for Christmas - at work for example - I think I might lie to not make myself and others feel uncomfortable. Hopefully I will have a plan by then because lying to make others happy doesn't sit well with me. I hate the idea of people giving me the pity look.

I'm also worrying about what to say to people when I'm asked what my plans are for Christmas - at work for example - I think I might lie to not make myself and others feel uncomfortable. Hopefully I will have a plan by then because lying to make others happy doesn't sit well with me. I hate the idea of people giving me the pity look

Hi OP, a little white lie isn't going to hurt. People aren't asking because they want to know, they're asking to be polite and make conversation. Just say you haven't decided, or a load of newly single mates are getting together or something. I guarantee the people asking will have forgotten what you say within ten minutes.

I'm going away. My mum died recently and I don't really get on with my brothers and their wives. I don't know if they are planning to invite me but I've already booked my trip. I did this almost straight away so if anyone asked I could immediately say I had my plans sorted thanks.

If you think by saying "fuck all this year I shall be eating peanut butter on toast in bed with wine and no fucker asking me to pull a shit cracker". Yes bah humbug this year. Can't wait.

You can have any Christmas you like it's just a couple of days, the lead up, cooking, presents, expectations, so many people would prefer to do a fuck it all duvet

Christmas is totally off its head nowadays. It was an important, but simple celebration in the deep midwinter, not all Instagram matching presents and tree decorations.

Do you know what I would do to have a couple of shutdown days, with no expectations, just food and no shops open at the end of December.

OP you are thinking about Christmas as something that should be a forced feel good family get together, and it is for folks who do that anyway, but that isn't the only Christmas that means anything.

You need to build friends as the daily you choose.

My friend is in your position and last year booked a solo holiday to Morocco. She really enjoyed it and met lots of other people also looking for a relaxing solo getaway from the nightmare that can be Christmas!

OP.i would definitely book a holiday, particularly if u have already holidayed alone. I.have had terrible christmases alone recently due to relationship issues and bereavement. This year I have compromised and booked myself a mini break after Christmas. Stuff your brother.