This may be outing, therefore I have name changed so that at least this post isn’t linked to any of my previous ones. I have changed some of the details, but if you do happen to recognise me then please do not out me! Apologies in advance for the essay…
I have been with DH for 20 years, married for 15. He has always been emotionally and sometimes financially abusive (with phases where he is kind and loving) and I have come close to leaving him many times. What stopped me, aside from
still loving him despite everything, is that we have DC with additional needs and, having suffered from terrible PND after their birth, I didn’t feel strong enough to raise them on my own. My mental health has now improved significantly, plus my current financial situation would enable me to live independently with DC if necessary.
We are shortly due to move home, a move that we both (initially in his case) very much wanted and planned for. However, I feel deceived as despite encouraging me to make an offer and then proceed with the purchase of the house (the money to pay for it is mine via inheritance and it will be in my name at least initially) he is now saying that it isn’t what he really wanted. He has always had delusions of grandeur and envisaged himself in a large, Manor House style home (I’m not even kidding) with lots of bedrooms and a huge plot of land. Our soon to be new home is more than adequate for our needs and will be mortgage free because of my inheritance. He has no appreciation of this (or of how lucky we are generally as far as finances are concerned, especially in the current climate) and sees himself as hard done by, not achieving his life’s ambitions etc.
The plan was always for him to pay me back his share of the new house once he sells our current home (which is in his name), at which point he would be put on the deeds as co-owner. He is now saying that he doesn’t want to do that, that because I (we) could be subject to a big inheritance tax bill if anything happens to my parents within seven years of receiving their gift he doesn’t want to “pay out my money that I’ve worked so hard for” to help clear “YOUR debt”.
He was screaming and ranting and wouldn’t listen to reason. I told him that if that were to happen I would pay it myself (I have the means to do so, if necessary) and that it’s obvious to anyone with half a brain that he is using this an an excuse and that he never intended to pay towards the house.
You may be wondering - aside from why would I want to remain married to such a person! - what the problem is if the house remains in my name, given that I can afford it and it would be for the best if/when we separate. However, he doesn’t want to actually separate but is suggesting that we both live in the new house with it remaining in my name only. I don’t want to do this as if I remain in this marriage it needs to be fair and equitable. Why should I pay for our family home in its entirety while he gets to live there rent/mortgage free?
The situation is further complicated by my not being able to work currently due to our DC’s needs, so the money that he was supposed to pay me back would have been financial security for me and DC, possibly even used in lieu of a future pension given that I don’t know what my job prospects will be going forward.
I don’t actually know what I’m asking. I have the power to leave this marriage and I know people will tell me that I’m mad to stay, but I still feel weak. To add to the above, things haven’t been good on other fronts for a very long time now. I no longer am physically attracted to him and our sex life has become virtually non-existent. I know that if I was a friend or family member I would be telling them to leave, but it’s so hard when children are involved and especially ones with additional needs. I guess I’m hoping for some support on here and to garner some strength via people’s comments.