What makes you happy with your man?

[Ezmerelder]

I have just separated from my long term partner as things weren't going well. We had a lot of problems and despite me trying, nothing was ever resolved. Somewhere in the last few years I just got very sad because I felt like I was being starved of oxygen. He wants me to come back and he keeps asking me what it is I want from him. I love him very much, but he just comes with a lot of pain too. I could list all the problems and his flaws and the ways I feel he's let me down or betrayed me - but what I'd really like to know tonight is....

For people who are truly happy with their husband or partner, over the long term (5+ years) - what are the top five things you actually get from the relationship? What are the most important things you get from being married or with someone vs being along (besides the obvious).

I am really trying to work out what's missing. Weirdly he is both the partner I have loved most in my life, but also the one I felt didn't meet really key needs. I can't even fully articulate what they are.

You mean, you love him but feel you can't control him.

Does he care about you when you are together is he attentative, kind respectful, loving or is it on his terms, whenever he's available, do you feel neglected ?

You say he's betrayed you in what way ?

Well I didn't want to list all this, but here's the overall.

Positives:

He is very affectionate
He is completely reliable
He is very caring
He is very funny
He builds me up/ cheerleads
He is (nowadays) loyal
He's very forgiving
He is very accepting
He gives thoughtful gifts
We have a good sex life
There is passion
He is completely committed

Negatives:

He was unfaithful once a long time ago
I still don't 100% trust him after that
He makes decisions on the basis of what's good for him, not us
He never made an effort with my family
He is not financially supportive (miserly)
He avoids difficult conversations so emotional intimacy dwindled over time because I stopped trying
He doesn't solve solvable problems

I suppose writing that out made me see there's problems with trust and intimacy. I don't fully trust him. Not that I think he'd cheat again but more that I don't feel his word is his bond. I don't feel I can talk to him about relationship problems because he shuts me down. I don't feel problems we have can ever be resolved. I don't feel like there is equal financial generosity.

I just sometimes feel like I have half of what I really need. I really love him, but I feel quite sad.

If I am sad about something he did or didn't do (and he's not perfect so this happens), then basically I'd just keep it to myself because raising it would be pointless.

He'd apologise, tell me he loved me, and then do it again next week If I tried to push it and demanded the problem was resolved, he would refuse any strategy that might help resolve the problem.

Just as two examples here:

1. For most of our relationship, I earned double what he did, and when I did, I paid for everything - holidays - food, trips. I was very generous and never even thought about it. That situation reversed and now he makes almost double what I make and he has large savings and I don't. One of the reasons he has large savings was because he let me pay for everything. Recently, I needed to borrow some money for an emergency and asked family rather than him because I felt like he would be very unhappy helping me. Then afterwards I thought a lot about how weird that might be in a 7 year relationship where we live together...?

2. Once a month we drive quite a distance to go and visit his parents. I always go, no matter how busy I am and act the perfect daughter in law. In reverse, he's probably visited my parents once with me in the last 5 years and they live ten minutes away! They are really nice, so that's not the reason. He gets out of it by always throwing a mood or being miraculously ill and it's become embarrassing. We are a very close Italian family, and as a result of this going on we don't get invited to stuff much now because they think he doesn't like them. My siblings partners are all very close to my parents and each other, and they all go on mini breaks and do things together. I explained to DP that this made me really sad and asked him to make an effort. Six months later, he hasn't.

This is just what it's like. He loves but on his own terms, and some of the things I feel I want and need he just steamrolls over.

You arn't married and don't have children.

I think you can do better.

I think he knows it too, he's only putting the effort in now you've left, if you go back he will revert to type and even punish you for it.

I think you would benefit from watching Dr Ramani on U tube, he may not be a narc but his strategies seem to be inlign with controlling you and lowering your self esteem.

I really don't think he's that calculated. He is just quite selfish and doesn't have empathy and I think he just doesn't understand how relationships work. Or are meant to work.

Narcisists don't have to be intellectually clever, it is an inate selfishness that makes their calculating methods natural.

It's in their DNA, most people who have experience with these types would have swore blind they were innocent, one of the main features is you will be confused. You will be at odds with how they present themselves and how they make you feel.

The hard bit will be understanding that they do actually know how relationships work, it's just that they can manipulate them into getting as much out of you as possible whilst they give very little back.

Have a watch of the videos, she does many, you may find some of it rings true.

He doesn’t sound like a narcissistic person to me. If anything this sounds like a post from the “Living with an ASD partner” thread. Maybe see if it resonates OP.

@OriginalUsername2 he is autistic yes.

The reasons you have listed fir NOT being with him are good ones and there are a lot of them.

Definitely the right thing to have walked away.

You don't trust him also ( I don't blame you) and that alone would be enough for me.

Also, if he was 'completely committed' would he not come to your parents? I think there is some gap between what he says and what he does... look at his behaviour, not just his words! Agree he could be a narcissist, I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss that.

He’s just selfish,keeps his money to himself, visits his parents but not yours. Makes empty promises to change. Whether he’s doing it on purpose or not the result is the same. I wouldn’t go back if I were you.

He shouldn't be asking you what you want from him. Long term that is him absolving responsibility for being a good partner, and putting the responsibility on you to list all the ways- how tedious! Can just imagine In arguments/disagreements he'd say "well you never told me to xyz".
My partner can be really horrible- says spiteful mean things by text a lot like I'm his emotional punchbag- but when he's good he's lovely. He's also always reliable, great around the house and mostly good with the kids (occasional nasty shouting too tho).
I've been on the fence a lot of times but overall he's nicer to be with than not be with. Kids makes the tie much stronger too- I wouldn't want him to have them by himself- so overall it's best for us all to stay together. That mostly keeps us all happy, it's just so sad that he has these issues that occasionally makes it miserable but overall I'd be more unhappy if I left and kids would be heartbroken.
Don't know if that helps. If you haven't got kids I'd say go be free! Find someone kinder who does your family stuff because it makes you happy. And maybe even because he enjoys it too!

Festiv "He shouldn't be asking you what you want from him."

reading with interest. So...is he meant to be a mind reader?

Hands up - I'm guilty of this, nearly had a disagreement with boyfriend over it yesterday....

It sounds to me as though you're turning yourself inside out for a man who has ruined your trust and his inherently selfish and mean. Can you just say 'no thanks' and move on? I bet your bottom dollar you'll find someone better. Use your list above as a checklist for what is/isn't acceptable in a new man. Its okay to have standards when choosing a life partner. This one didn't work out.

Oh man, do not go back to him. You know you won't be happy in a relationship with him. Whatever the reason (and it may well be the autism), he isn't able to prioritise your needs as equal to his. And you are not able to prioritise yourself, over meeting both your needs equally. So you will always be on the back foot. Separating is painful, but he isn't who you want him to be, and you will thank yourself in a couple of years time.

It doesn't sound to me like he is the right person for you and your decision to separate is probably a good one. Perhaps you need to take some time out to think about what you want from your next relationship and then keep your boundaries intact and don't let them stretch into accepting anything other than what you are happy with.

To answer your questions - Top 5 things I get out of my relationship with my DH

We are a team - having been married to an abusive narcissistic man for a long time where I felt so alone all the time and where every conversation was a battle, it's amazing to be in a relationship where we support each other 100% of the time. We don't always agree and sometimes the support I get is not what I want in the moment (he is very honest and direct) but it is always with good intentions and in the interest of us as a team.

I am much happier with him than I am without - by that I don't mean that I always want to spend time with him, we both need time apart as well as time together but my life is definitely better with him in it and he feels the same about me.

We have fun - He is someone that I would have as a friend if he wasn't my husband so we enjoy spending time with each other whatever we are (or are not) doing. He has a silly sense of humour which sometimes drives me bonkers but I just can't help laughing. It's infectious and he is almost always in a good mood whereas I can be more up and down.

Our values and lifestyles are aligned - This is super important to me as I think it makes for a much more harmonious life. We don't always hold the same opinions on things but on the whole we are on the same page if not always on the same sentence if that makes sense.

We have great communication - we talk a lot and if there is ever a problem we talk about it before it becomes a bigger issue. We have different styles in that I sometimes need a timeout to think things through and process whereas DH likes to talk it out until it's all resolved. Sometimes this causes friction if we have an argument but because of the reasons above we rarely argue so I can live with that. We are both good at apologising and seeing it from the other person's perspective.

Sorry it's so long!

I think that’s really relevant. Check out the thread x

He loves me unreservedly - whether I'm grumpy, spotty, I'll, happy, sexy, whatever he loves me

He's considerate and thinks about me and what makes me happy - and then he acts on it

He's affectionate and tells me how attractive he finds me. He snuggled, gives hugs, holds my hand

He makes me laugh a lot. He had a fresh way of looking at life and brings joy and positivity.

He works hard and we share the chores

And he's well groomed, handsome and has a wonderful smile.

I'm very, very lucky.

He sounds so lovely!

And so does he! Heartwarming :)

Because he's been unfaithful so she's clearly lost trust, plus he's selfish and expects her to visit his family while never seeing hers, is happy to enjoy her income then doesn't share his when his earnings increase, and is emotionally unavailable- admittedly his autism will affect that but it's not the reason for everything.
If he really wanted to be with her he would've behaved better all along- no good asking her after he's pushed her away what she wants from him.
She's well rid and should hold out for one of these lovely types as described by PPs!

In all honesty he sounds like an utter prick, you deserve way better