Rebuilding myself after I ruined everything by cheating

[Evawales]

I'm posting here because I am feeling a bit desperate and alone. I don't know where to turn and I know people on here are a fountain of knowledge and wisdom.

2 years ago, I cheated on my then partner of 4 years. It was awful and he was obviously devastated. The impact of what I did lasted a long time. Almost solidly for the next 6 months he shouted, swore, ranted at and questioned me. Some days from the moment I woke up and into the early hours of the next morning. He took sick leave from work so was at my house 24/7. I heard the 'C' word so many times. I was hit once on the leg, but only once. He kicked my front door when I tried to make him leave. He punched walls and on 2 occasions I caught him outside my living room window at night trying to see who was in my house (no one was).

The shouting and ranting were non-stop, often for 6+ hours each day and there were weeks where I cried solidly all day every day. I was told I deserved abuse for what I had done. I was told if he kills himself, I would be a murderer. I had panic attacks and vomited and am ashamed to say I hit my head on the floor trying to knock myself out. I have ADHD and the sensory overwhelm from the constant shouting was awful. I felt guilt and shame for what I did and thought that if I just let his anger run its course then it would get better.

As a result, I lost my job and stopped going to an evening training course I had been attending for 3 years. I received abusive messages from his ex-wife and was shouted at in the street. My Facebook was hacked, and disgusting things posted about me for my friends and family to see. People reported back to him my whereabouts, for example if I was at an exercise class. I lost friends. It took until about 6 months ago for things to calm down completely.

I now honestly think I have had some sort of breakdown. I have gained 4 stone and am now obese. I no longer take care of my appearance because I feel disgusting. I'm still out of work and have no friends. I'm scared of people, particularly men and struggle to go out. Loud noises make me cry and I feel anxious all the time. I've developed a bit of a stutter and constantly feel intimidated and scared at really simple things like appointments or going food shopping. I take antidepressants. but they don't really help much. I am depressed and have stopped seeing the joy in any of the things I used to do.

I know I deserved what I got but I look at the person I used to be and no longer recognise her. I am a shell.

I am looking for some insight and advice on how to move on from here. I'm trying to be honest and take responsibility for what I did but I am struggling with moving forward. I ruined my life by cheating. Any advice would be genuinely appreciated. Please be kind :)

Sorry I should clarify, the relationship is over and has been for 2 years.

You did an unwise and bad thing. But it doesn’t make you a bad person. You deserved for a certain level of consequence, for example the relationship to end, but you did not deserve to be abused OP. Could you try and register in an evening class again, build up slowly? Have you a friend IRL to talk to and go with for moral support?

You absolutely did not deserve that abuse. Cheating is, of course, an awful betrayal. But 6 months of emotional, mental and physical abuse is completely unacceptable. Please speak with your GP about CBT therapy. Do you have family who can support?

I think you need to forgive yourself for what happened.

I also think the protracted reaction of your ex to the cheating speaks volumes about the kind of person he is and makes me question if the behaviour of someone like that was at least a bit of a push factor for you towards the person you slept with?

He was hurt, yes. But he didn't and doesn't own you and he has taken it too far. Most normal people lick their wounds and move on.

Please don't let this ruin your life.
Go back to the gym, maybe a different one, where you won't run into small minded idiots who've harassed you.

Get angry at this OTT reaction of his and channel that anger into thinking fuck you, I don't deserve all this shit, and get rebuilding your life.
You didn't kill anyone ffs!

Oh OP 💐We all make mistakes. Please be kind to yourself, it sounds like you have suffered enough. Are you able to talk to anyone like a therapist to help you process this? And perhaps a doctor in connection with your physical health if you are concerned about that?

I wish I could give you a hug. We all make mistakes but we don’t need to carry them with us like an albatross around our necks. It was one error of judgment that it sounds like you deeply regret. It doesn’t define you as a person.

I was saying "Oh, god, no!" out loud as I read your OP. I found it utterly shocking, and I'm just reading a brief summary from miles away!

You seem to be describing PTSD. This is a natural outcome of the sustained, intensive abuse you suffered for more than half a year. No, you didn't deserve it. You deserved some painful talks, some crying and maybe a short outburst or two.

I'm glad you're away from a 'partner' who would do everything he did.

You need healing, and most probably therapy. If you phone your GP surgery, they'll be able to give you a number for self-referral and maybe an appointment with their CPN (this is better). Either service will be able to refer you up the chain, but please do engage with the therapeutic services you're offered as you urgently need some perspective on what happened to you.

As far as self-healing goes, time is unfortunately needed. There's stuff you can do while that time passes: launching back into the gym and studies might be too much - is it? It's perfectly OK to start small, with nice walks in the park and watching funny films on Netflix.

Above all, eat nutritious food and sleep. If your drinking's escalated, try replacing half of your drinks with water or tea. You've been injured. Take care of your self.

You say you ruined everything. Do you mean the relationship? I think this guy is nuts, and these traits would have come out eventually over something else. His reaction is out of all proportion. Look back at your time with him. Were there signs of bullying and control?

As all the pps have said you made a mistake and the reaction from your partner was way out of proportion. Have you thought about why you had an affair? I’m just thinking that 6 months is a long time for him to sustain anger to the extent of abusing you, were there sign before the affair?
Talk to your GP as a starting point to getting well again.

No one has a right to ''sentence'' you for wrong doings and mistreat you to ''make up for it'', if it was unacceptable then he should have immediately terminated the relationship.

I too think you need to speak to your Doctor and ask for help. It sounds to me like the X did everything to destroy whatever good feelings and positive vibes you had for yourself, and has left you broken. He is a *rick for doing so!

Please seek professional help xx

Shit me sideways.

I am the very last person to feel sorry for a cheater, but fuck me what you went through was appalling.

There is absolutely no justification for how he treated you, and I strongly suspect that if you were to take the cheating completely out of the equation, there was a lot of other abusive behaviour from him before you cheated.

Again, no cheating apologist here but I cant help wondering if you cheated as a means to try and escape the abuse?

You need to get yourself some serious counselling/therapy to deal with what he did. You sound like you are suffering with PTSD.

As someone who’s husband had a long affair I still do not agree with how you were treated. Yes I flipped and shouted and kicked him out. It does hurt being betrayed and mentally makes you feel unwell so it’s hard to control your behaviour. However what you experienced is not acceptable at all. To be honest looks like you had a lucky escape. If your partner was a decent human being then he would not have subjected you to that vile abuse. Please forgive yourself.

You didn’t deserve that. Nobody does. Yes, you fucked up by cheating but the fact that it triggered a months-long abusive situation was not your fault. Your ex sounds like absolutely unhinged and I am so sorry you went through that.

I don’t want to armchair diagnose but have you considered that you might have PTSD?

My god. His reaction was not normal. I'm going to guess he had these abusive traits before you cheated too right?
Everyone's reactions are different however his is blindingly obvious that it's acting out over a total loss of control of a relationship. I will bet money he was controlling beforehand.

Be kind to yourself. And look forward now.
Start with a good doctor. Counselling, talking therapies. You need professional help, not just in the form of medication.

Start with your mind. The body will then follow. Have you considered moving to another area for a fresh start? Do you have any family you can see?

WTF! Your ex was abusive. Nobody deserved that. Please forgive yourself.

Cheating is not great, but all he needed to do was to end the relationship (which would have been an appropriate response), not behave like a complete psychopath. You are well rid of him and did not deserve that abuse. You need to reset your thinking and get out of this rut. How would you treat a close friend in the same situation? Probably with a lot more kindness than you are treating yourself.

@PyongyangKipperbang has nailed it in every aspect. Your ex sounds dangerous. The natural consequence of cheating was for you to lose your relationship not suffer a sustained campaign of emotional and psychological violence, harassment and intimidation. You did not in any sense deserve this. Please get some help to deal with your trauma.

You did something disgusting but what he did is also disgusting and was done over a long period of time to get you down and he has achieved.

Learn the lesson about cheating and of course learn the lesson about abuse and don't blame yourself for what he did over and over to get you down.

You cheated, that's done
He abuse his power over you and your guilt felling in revenge.

Forget about it. You need to recover yourself. Don't play martyrs what is done is done.

Stop thinking you deserved it, you didnt. You deserved being dumped the same day he knew and be cut of his life forever. Not to be punched, insulted, isolating etc.

Pick your pieces and do it better next time. There is only one life to live.

Well he's a psycho and so is everyone he knows. You're better off shot of the lot of them, and I bet he was a grade A see you next Tuesday before you 'cheated' too.

Get therapy. You are not the sum of this pointless shitshow.

You did nothing wrong and have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

Your ex was an abusive twat and I don't believe for one minute that he'd been lovely before you cheated. I bet you that was an attempt at an exit affair. Google it. I had one, no regrets other than getting married to my abusive twat in the first place.

You had an affair. So fucking what.

Where you live sounds like a shit hole.

Your single and childfree? Move. Start a new life and fuck the lot of them!

(And don't look back; you're not going that way)

No no no. You absolutely did NOT deserve that. Its bad what you did but his reaction was extreme. This man sounds seriously unhinged and dangerous. Cheating is a hurtful betrayal but it is not a crime but his behaviour sure is a crime.

What happened to the man you cheated with? How did your partner find out?

His reaction was awful and he should have just ended the relationship with you when the truth came to light.

I think you should book therapy sessions, that will help you offload.

Just to add to the chorus of what everyone else has already said.

Yes you cheated. Is that a shitty thing to do? Yes it is. You haven't really said much about why that happened for you, either way it's shitty but context is important for understanding (not for excusing).

HOWEVER

You do not deserve abuse. Please let that sink in and re-read. You do NOT deserve abuse.

6 months of protracted abuse to the level that you received is actually harassment and it is utterly shocking. It also leads me to seriously question your life prior to the cheating incident and how he behaved then and whether that was anything to do with why you ended up seeking attention elsewhere.

You seem to feel like you deserve this. You DO NOT.

You deserved the relationship to have ended, maybe to be told a few shitty home truths about your behaviour, maybe an argument and some anger yes, I'd 100% say that that's reasonable.

You don't deserve ANY physical abuse
His ex wife has nothing to do with it and if she cares so much why is she his ex wife - she should keep her nose out of it.
The other people who have involved themselves in this are utterly deplorable (please read about flying monkeys because that's what they are).

You sound like you've got PTSD as a result of this situation and need some counselling to start you getting back on your feet.

Your ex sounds frankly certifiable for how he has behaved and the level he's taken this to and he also sounds like a narcissist.

You haven't ruined your life at all, you did a stupid thing and HE ruined your life and mental health for it. I think you've more than paid your dues as far as that goes...and then some.

What you need to work on now is building yourself up, practising forgiveness every single day, understanding what lead you to make the mistake you made (I highly doubt the relationship was perfect if THIS is how he behaved) and not judging yourself.

I want to give you a huge hug. Please remember everyone has a choice in how they behave and that includes your horrible ex.

Cheating is awful and hurtful, but NOTHING excuses the kind of abuse your ex put you through! I'm so glad you're free from him.

Great advice above, but I'd also add asking your GP for different anti-depressants if they don't help much. Some are more tailored to helping with PTSD as well as depression and you almost certainly have PTSD.

R.e. counselling, maybe see if you can access phone counselling--I found this really helpful when I first had PTSD as I would have found face-to-face or video counselling too overwhelming.

Maybe try to start to establish some sort of daily routine and build this up, even starting as simple as a coffee at 11am every day, gradually building up to a full day of relaxed structure each day. Routine is comforting and I find it helps to centre me (I also have ADHD) and reduces my tendency to depressive feelings.

You could also look at some free OU study courses as a way to ease back into study, to increase your confidence in yourself and to give you something specific to focus on.

Good luck, I hope things improve for you soon.

Oh my goodness - you did NOT deserve to be treated like that. Ok so you cheated, you are not a bad person, and do not deserve to be punished with verbal abuse, assault and harrassment. Ok, I can understand he might have been angry as most people would be if they discovered a partner had cheated, but doesn’t mean all rules are abandoned and he can treat you however he likes. If he can’t manage his anger in a healthy way then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with him. It sounds like abuse over a sustained period. It’s going to take some time for you to recover. Please try and get some counselling if you can so you can forgive yourself, and repair from the impact of this abusive man. I don’t buy into the whole demonising someone who cheats - it happens so often in the society, we’d be better trying to understand how/why it happens. People make mistakes, all the time, what’s not okay is to be attacked repeatedly for it.

Sounds like systematic torture TBH, OP.