How to handle relationship between children and in laws who hate me?

[accidentalwarfare]

Such a fucked up family dynamic. I've ignored some very poor behaviour towards me over the years but they crossed a line and I vocalised that and now I appear to of started a war. My husband has been told to make it evident to me that I am never welcome in any of their homes again and that to them I no longer exist. I've tried to be the bigger person and separate my relationship with them to my children's but they're referring to me as 'that woman' towards my children so I am no longer going to allow my children to spend time with them. It's all absolute insanity and a massive over reaction but my husband has said they very much have a pack mentality and go for anyone who goes up against them. He is thankfully defending me and has said that he is done with them all but of course it is not that simple.

How do I handle this? I could care less what they think of me, my issue here is my children and how to handle this in a way that isn't going to negatively affect them.

you just advise your kids that at the moment you won’t be seeing your grandparents and that’s the end of the matter

I don’t know how old they are but if old enough to understand you tell them the truth, they have been horrible to you and their father and you have agreed that, for the moment at least, they wont be seeing them

There is nothing to do but press on without them. If the children are young, you will introduce the idea that their father has nothing to do with his parents when it is necessary. If they are a bit bigger you might have to explain the change and refer to the fact that they will be able to make their own decisions when they are older.

Go nc, why would you care what they think? What a blessed relief to be rid of them!

Agree with PP - the grandparents sound truly nasty. Utterly toxic. They don’t deserve a relationship with your DCs if that’s how they behave. The loss of that relationship is the natural consequence of their nastiness.

And actually it is that simple.

Yes, that simple. They do not see your children. No one who refers to you in that way should see them.

If they referred to me as "that woman" in front of my children they wouldn't be seeing any of us. Including DH who wouldn't stand for it any more than I would.

Don't get involved if your children are to have a relationship with them leave it up to your husband to arrange.

Grandparents don't have rights to contact. If they're going to badmouth you in front of your children, then they don't deserve contact, as it's hurtful and damaging to the children too.

So yeah, no contact. Your dh can manage his own relationship with his family, but I wouldn't allow the in-laws contact with the kids in your place.

good that your DH is standing up for you. TBH I wouldn't say anything to the children, and if they ask "why don't we see XX any more" just say that it's not convenient. If they are old enough to understand you can say that you and DH don't want to at the moment.

My in-laws went NC with me when our eldest was 4 and the younger one wasn’t born . Basically after a short period they started talking to my husband again and he used to go round occasionally . They basically got to see the children if the children chose to visit so that was very infrequently but they weren’t rude about me in front of the children . Our children are now adult and literally have no relationship with their Nan ( grandad died ) .

I wouldn’t allow the children to have any contact with people who disrespected me in front of them.
Cut them off and if the children ask just say we can’t see them at the minute

What you are actually asking is how do I manage a relationship between my children and people whose personalities I experience as domineering, petulant, controlling, manipulative.

The answer I hope is “why on Earth would I inflict that on my child when I as an adult can’t manage it.”

He is thankfully defending me and has said that he is done with them all but of course it is not that simple.

Yes it is. Why would you believe it isn't? Your husband's family are awful. He has seen the light and wishes to go NC with them. Hallelujah.

Hi OP , people are awful sometimes 😕 I am so pleased your husband has your back. How old are your children?

He is thankfully defending me and has said that he is done with them all but of course it is not that simple.

If they can’t be civil about you to your kids then going NC is really that simple. Talk to your children about what is happening and why the contact with your in-laws is suspended. Fascinating contact only gives these people the opportunity to drip poison onto your kids.

Children understand this kind of thing just fine. Mine did.
DH just says - Grandparents are not kind to Mummy and we can’t be friends with unkind people .

Absolutely no contact. It is only a matter of time before one of the DC do something which displeases them, or they have an opportunity to hurt you (or DH...they are clearly not above disrespecting his boundaries by badmouthing his wife).
You can try laying down clear boundaries like not discussing you at all - we did this many years ago - but to be honest it was fruitless and just delayed the inevitable and caused a hell of a lot of hurt along the way.

I don't honestly think that any grandparents can expect to have a relationship with their grandchildren if they treat the parent(s) like shit.

You owe it to your children to protect them from those people. Step up for your kids.