DH is depressed and I’m struggling.

[Indoorvoicesbluey]

DH has really struggled most of our relationship with some sort of anxiety (10 years) but the last 3 it’s steadily getting worse with depression.
I have 2 dc from a previous marriage aged 15&13 and we have a 7yo.

older two see him as their dad as they have no contact with theirs and absolutely adore him and he (was) treating them all equal and loved them all.
the last 18 months we haven’t had any sexual contact. He doesn’t have a sex drive, is depressed about his looks and I’m not even allowed to see him undressed, let alone touch him. He doesn’t come near me really.

the last 10 months have been hard. He had a breakdown in august and was suicidal. I ended up making him a doctors appointment and he was given counselling and medication. He was getting slightly better but it hit a halt after 6 months. Turns out he stopped his meds and didn’t carry on his counselling .

This last week he’s been so mardy, rude and depressed. This weekend he had another breakdown where he spent most of it on verge of tears saying he wanted to die. He’s been horrible to the kids and told me he found them ungrateful (they are so well behaved) and lazy because they don’t help round the house. He said he doesn’t feel the same love atm because of how lazy they are and how my oldest gets so much stuff. He has literally made both them spoilt but they do the washing up if asked. They do need to do more round the house I agree.

Monday I rang the doctors again and went with him to the appointment. He cried and said he’s on the verge of killing himself.

im really struggling. Im so mentally drained with walking on egg shells incase I upset him and then ruin the day. If we have something planned if he’s in a mood in the morning he will say he doesn’t want to go and then just put a dark cloud over the whole day.

i love him so much and hate seeing him like this but I’m so drained :(

I am so sorry to hear that you are in this situation. My late OH suffered with depression and I do not underestimate the impact on the family. Please make sure that you too have support - much as you love him, this roller-coaster is very draining.

@Indoorvoicesbluey
Are you sure that the professionals involved see him as suicidal? Where I live (and admittedly things can be different in different areas ) anyone who presents as posing a threat to themself or others is involuntarily committed for inpatient observation and treatment .

If you cannot get help and he won't voluntarily comply with treatment, maybe you should consider leaving him until he agrees to seek and comply with treatment.

Personally, I feel that we all have a responsibility to be the best versions of ourself that we can be when you have dependant children. And that includes getting medical help when you need it.

He's choosing not to get better. And dragging the rest of you down with him. Honestly, I think your only focus has to be protecting yourself and the kids. No one should be walking on eggshells around someone's black mood that they're then cloaking you all with as well.

It all sounds pretty bleak and depressing for the rest of you.

He’s started back on medication and counselling. He’s been given 2 weeks off work and has signed up for counselling through work too.

I told him if he doesn’t stick at it I’m leaving.

I think that's entirely understandable and fair, OP.

You and the kids come first, whether he's ill or not.

You can't help him if you're pouring from an empty cup and the kids don't deserve a bad thing said about them or to be dragged down because he's feeling down.

Sometimes when you're depressed you don't want to get better, you self sabotage, and no matter how cared for you are, you feel like people still aren't taking care of you enough and you want more, but that's selfish.

We're all responsible for our own actions, and all actions have consequences, so if his actions or inactions mean that you need to distance yourself and the children then that's just the natural consequence of his actions.

In a healthy relationship you don't need to walk on eggshells.

Good plan.

Also can you ask his doctor what you should do if any slight blip happens? Something to do if your spouse seems like he's about to flounder. Ask for a mental health team emergency number. Ask for a way to intervene so that you are not the one carrying the burden.
The only way forward is for you both to accept that your husband has an outside mental health carer who comes in and marches him off to get new meds etc. A mental health carer whom YOU can call and then trust and retreat.
Surely your husband agrees that you should not shoulder his pain.

Thank you! Il ask, I was given the crisis team number.

we were going away yesterday for two days with the kids but he couldn’t face it, so we’ve changed it to a day out today. He’s already anxious and quiet so I’m having to just keep my mouth shut and get us ready.

You don't have to keep quiet. You don't have to walk on eggshells. You and the DC are allowed to live even of he doesn't want to join in. He did this to himself by stopping treatment. Live the way you want to and let him do the work of getting better. Pandering to him won't help him and will negatively affect you and the DC.

And yes, I have been there. My DS has severe depression and anxiety. He works his arse off to sustain his own wellbeing and not impact us.

Get as much support for you, and your kids, as possible. From experience his depression can end up dragging you down too. And that isn’t going to help anyone. You and the kids doing stuff on your own, persuading him to get out the house, lean on family and friends.

i persuaded a friend to take my dh out once a week for a couple of hours to give me respite.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

His depression is having a huge effect on the whole family. It's his responsibility to get treatment and sort himself out. I agree that you leaving him is sensible if he doesn't continue with treatment this time.

It's not fair for you to be doing all the parenting including supporting him, especially when he's being rude and abusive.

Make sure you have time to yourself and that you and the kids go and do things without your dh so they can escape from him too.

Do you have rl support? Use it!

So he was getting better then he decided to stop all of his treatments and allow himself to get worse again? Sorry but my patience would have gone at that point and I say this as someone who suffers with anxiety and depression.
He has to want to get better and has to put some effort in and that means taking his medication and going to therapy and engaging properly with this.
I would go away without him and enjoy the time with your children without this cloud hanging over your head. Why should you and the kids miss out?

He can take this time to have a good think about what he wants to do and whether he’s prepared to put the effort in or risk his marriage

Hopefully the medication will kick in soon but you might have a few bumps along the road. He needs to stick at it through the side effects. You must protect yourself and your kids too - do you feel able to take them away yourself or are you afraid of leaving him alone? If he is threatening to kill himself then call the crisis teams ( I know MH services are crap but they might be able to visit). Explain to your kids that dad is ill and not his 'normal self'. Sending you strength, I've been through it, and I hope he starts to recover soon.