Maternity leave- feel guilty for asking husband for help

[sunflowers365]

I’m nearly at the end of my maternity leave, but the whole 11 months I’ve felt guilty for asking my husband to do anything around the house. I know that looking after a baby is an exceptionally busy role and I barely have time to draw breath. I do a lot of cooking, cleaning, home organising etc. My husband says he wants to help, and I just have to ask. I do ask, but I feel guilty for doing so. Does anyone relate?

It's maternity leave, not housework leave.

I would start accepting him doing his share around the house as when you go back to work, you don't want it to continue to be the norm that you do everything.

You shouldn't really need to be asking - he ought to be mucking in already without chores needing to be pointed out to him. That's a dynamic that probably helps create this unfounded guilt, like he's "helping" you with your job, instead of the household chores and childcare being a shared responsibility when he's home.

So he expects you to decide what needs doing and then explain it to him like he’s a child and ask him to do it? Has he always been so lacking in initiative? What’s going to happen when you’re juggling work on top of everything else? He shouldn’t be “helping”, you shouldn’t be asking. He’s an adult, it’s his home too, his child too, he should be pitching in off his own back. I just can’t understand this dynamic at all.

Did he need basic things explaining to him before you had the baby?

Erase the word help from your vocabulary. Both of you live in the house and both of you are parents. You both need to do your share.

By all means split duties according to who does what best etc, but if you both work, you both need to be doing the parenting and housework 50:50.

You said its maternity leave so will be back at work soon. Consider what you want your life to look like when you go back to work? Will you still be responsible for cooking, cleaning laundry, house admin, childcare pick ups and drop offs, appointments for your child, who will take time off when your child is sick? It's easy enough to keep on top of things when you have minimal help and the one child, add another child into the mix and it is so much harder.

To answer your question, no I can't relate. I never had to tell my dh to pull his weight but if I did I would. At work most people get a lunch break and get to clock off as a parent on maternity when do you get that? You're making your own life harder in the long run by acting this way. He isn't helping you he's parenting and should be doing his fair share. I do not agree that grown adults should ever need domestic duties pointed out to them and after a day at work a loving parent would want to spend time with their child.

My DH does way more housework than me. I'm on maternity leave and he works full-time, long hours in a busy job.

I don't feel guilty at all, neither should you! If you employ a nanny to care for your baby they don't also do housework - that's literally two separate jobs if you were to outsource it.

You also shouldn't be asking him - he should take equal responsibility for deciding what gets done.

Tell him it is house too and you shouldn't be having to ask him to do stuff, if he sees washing up then he should just do it etc. Be aware when you go back to work you will be working, doing the childcare and all the housework if you don't sort it out now!

I can't say I do relate as we just split housework the same as we always did. I was on mat leave to look after a baby, not a 38yo man. I probably did do more just by virtue of being around, but I never felt like I should be doing it. Maybe just try to reframe it: he did housework before the baby, yes? So why shouldn't he after? People's lives generally get harder after a baby, not easier! So take the help!

And yes help is a poor way of wording it. He should just be doing stuff as he sees it anyway, like most of us do. Laundry basket full? Stick a wash on. Floor looking a bit gross? Use the hoover. Presumably he's got his faculties and vision and gross motor skills, so there's no need for him to be handheld.

I do ask, but I feel guilty for doing so. Does anyone relate?

Hard no I’m afraid. Being on maternity leave is really demanding. I think DH has picked up more slack when I’m ‘off’ compared to when I’m working, when everything is 50:50.

He should be doing his share bit ‘helping’.

My DH said he wanted me to focus on me & baby not housework while on mat.

TBF on days I was home, I often chucked baby at him most evenings and go cook/tidy/get space while he did childcare.

Im currently pregnant and while we both WFH he does more childcare/housework as I’m tired and exhausted. He said the other day to spend my energy focusing on our current DC.