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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband is a nice man but I don't love him anymore.

18 replies

anon31 · 29/02/2008 17:04

It's not a good enough reason to break up a family, is it? His job has become all consuming. He leaves before the children get up and gets back after they wake up. When he is home, he's on the laptop or blackberry. His conversation is limited to work. I know he loves the children, but he acts as though they are just an unwelcome distraction from his job. My eldest dd has noticed it and commented on it.
We wouldn't have a social life if I didn't organise it. We don't do anything fun together anymore. In fact, I feel that we barely know each other now. I certainly don't fancy him and I have to force myself to have sex with him.
I just feel as though I'm sharing a house with him, not a marriage. Does anyone out there have any advice? (Regular poster but incognito for this)

OP posts:

McDreamy · 29/02/2008 17:05

Have you talked about these feelings with him?

lollipopmother · 29/02/2008 17:06

Anon - I feel for you, it's not nice to feel like that. Does he actually know he's acting like this? I say this because it's easy to get caught up in things and sometimes people need to be told. Have you told him he's ignoring you and the kids, putting his work first before his family and basically that you're finding it really hard to cope with?

Original poster

anon31 · 29/02/2008 17:12

Yes I have spoken to him about it. He tries to change for a couple of days but it just slides back into the same old pattern. The thing that worries me most now is that I can't really be bothered to make all the effort anymore. I'm getting beyond the point of caring iyswim.

OP posts:

OverMyDeadBody · 29/02/2008 18:12

Just read your OP and I'd say that those are all good enough reasons to leave someone. You only have one life, and do you really want to spend the rest of it with someone you don't love and who you have to force yourself to have sex with?!

Would it really be breaking up the family if he's hardly there anyway? Maybe if you two wheren't together he would end up spending more quality time with them?

You deserve to be happy, and your chil;dren deserve to have parents who are happy.

bubblagirl · 29/02/2008 18:35

i think if you dont love someone you dont stay with them as you are not being true to them or yourself

but to me i think maybe his trying so hard to provide the best for his family his not paying enough attention to you the fact he tries means he cares but tjhen the pressures of his work take over

but youn say you dont fancy him he deserves more than someone forcing themselves to have sex with him

and you deserve more also

be true to him and tell him how you feel

i too thought i didnt fancy my dp anymore and i felt i was just having sex to get it over and done with

he too works long hours but i told him how i felt about feeling second best and we made effort the both of us we had cuddly evenings we talked and we are so close now i understand he has a tough job and he understands i need him

we have fallen in love all over again you need tot alk can you go on a date and see how you get on the fact you dont like him is resentment for him working so much

if he was loving and around more could you love him

could you seek counsiling if you really feel its over then leave dont make yourself unhappy if you dont need to be

Original poster

anon31 · 29/02/2008 19:37

I'm not sure that we would have anything to talk about, other than his job or the children, if we went out on a "date".
I'm worried that I'm just thinking that the grass would be greener elsewhere when, in fact, all long-term relationships get like this. God it's hard...

OP posts:

missingtheaction · 29/02/2008 19:43

you need to DO something - you've done the talking and it's not enough to make the change. go to Relate - on your own if necessary - move into the spare room, make a grand gesture of some sort. action speaks louder than words.

chalkette · 29/02/2008 19:57

I think that people these days take marriage too lightly and it no longer means forever. Sometimes it take more courage to try and make a marriage work than to leave. I feel for you as I know someone close to me in your situation. The couple are now going to counsiling and are learning how to rediscover each other and fall in love again. I think it is possible to fall in and out of love and then back in again. You owe it to your kids to give it a chance. I think this is obviously become too big for you to handle on your own and counsiling is the best way forward. That way you can say you gave it a final shot and then if it doesn't work leave with a clear conscience. If you had a good marriage that went bad you stand a chance. If it was always bad then it probably wont work.

ditto39 · 29/02/2008 19:57

Anon, I was just about to post the same thing! I totally agree, it isn't worth splitting the family up for, although sometimes I think my own life should count for more than everybody else's.

Wisteria · 29/02/2008 20:06

anon - I did split my family up for moreorless those things, we seemed to have reached an impasse like that.

I am now nearly 10 years on and although happy with new DP, that has its problems as well (just different ones) and I do regret leaving dh big time and wish that we'd done the relate thing first. I think in retrospect and now I've accepted we might have been able to work through it if we'd talked more and at least tried to find ourselves again IYKWIM.

Wisteria · 29/02/2008 20:07

that should have read 'in retrospect and now I've accepted that Disney/ Film endings of happy ever after rarely if ever happen '

marina · 29/02/2008 20:18

anon31 (no idea who you are and not trying to guess IYSWIM), not all long-term relationships do end up like this. Dh and I have been together for 20 years, married for 12, and although we don't have a perfect marriage (who does, I wonder), we get by fine, and still love each other.
But I think that most couples have moments when they feel like you describe - taken for granted, unimpressed, fed up and wondering what you ever saw in your OH.
You say you have spoken to him about his insularity and lack of engagement in your life as a couple - have you had that conversation with you spelling out you are near the point of no return and might leave him?
Men are very obtuse, they often don't take subtle or even broad hints about emotions IMO - even the good guys.
But of course he really needs to want to change his behaviour too.
Agree with others that you need to do something - ultimatum, Relate (but not as an ultimatum of course).
Best of luck. Hope you can turn it round for both your sakes. Being parents is hard enough without a lack of love between you.

iwantanaga · 01/03/2008 20:16

I could almost have written the OP myself, apart from the sex bit.... dh has shown no interest for over 5 years.

I can't split my family up, the children would be devastated,and I don't think I'm brave enough. I think, for me, it's too late, I should have gone on day one. Or certainly before my first (unplanned) dc arrived.

Dh won't consider counselling, so I just stick my head in the sand and go from day to day.

HOWEVER...... if Richard Armitage arrived on my doorstep, I think I could be persuaded....

We all have our own ways of coping, I think.

Miggsie · 01/03/2008 20:25

Sounds like you are both concentrating on tasks and things and not on your emotional lives at all.
How is he feeling?
Could you fall in love with him again?
Is it just a bit unexciting and the magic has gone?

Had similar in my 16 year marriage so can sympathise, we made more time for each other and talked more so it was not just house maintenance and kids.
Know what you mean about the social life but I think most marriages/partnerships are like this, the social impetus is always from the woman...but it is irritating.
He did surpise me with meal out, with friends and even booked the babysitter too! It is possible, but it had to be pointed out to him first.

Kimi · 01/03/2008 20:26

((hugs))

Thefearlessfreak · 01/03/2008 20:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Janni · 05/03/2008 13:24

Hi anon
I don't know if I'm too late to post on this thread, but here goes. To me this doesn't sound like an unfixable situation. If your DH knew that either he had to seek help for his workaholism or he would end up without his wife and children, do you think things would have a chance of changing?

I'm not surprised you feel no love for him - I think you have to share the good and bad in life to feel love for a partner. I felt like this when my first child was a baby. DH and I saw very little of each other, I felt like a single mum. We changed our living circumstances drastically when I was pregnant with the second and now we have three we see loads of each other and I couldn't manage without his support.

Things really can change in a marriage if the alternative is divorce and it doesn't sound like that's what your DH wants. I think Wisteria's posts are very interesting - you can give up on one marriage and just find a whole different set of problems in the next.

MuthaHubbard · 05/03/2008 16:56

I was in a similar situation and tried and tried over 2 years to rectify, even threatening to leave him and the children if things didn't change.

Things haven't changed. His refusal to see a problem and our total lack of communcation mean we are splitting up.

As others have said, does he know that you are actually seriously considering leaving him? Maybe if he knew it would be the kick up the arse he needs? Counselling either separately or together may also help if you feel there is still love there.

((hugs))

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