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Original poster

Should I tell ex mil we're moving?

11 replies

TeamSpike · 22/08/2023 17:39

Bit of back story. I was with exh for 9 years. I left him when Dd was 3 months old when he was arrested for downloading indecent images of children. I maintained a good relationship with ex mil. She would visit every other week to see me and Dd. Always bought Xmas and birthday presents for us both.

However over the last couple of years she has stopped visiting. At first obviously due to covid. But then her other son had a baby and since then she has hardly bothered with us. I made the effort a few times suggesting we go and visit her etc. For the last 2 years she's literally dropped presents off for Xmas and birthdays. No messages in between. I got tired of trying to keep the relationship going. The last straw came this year when she didn't message on dds birthday. Instead sent a message over a week late asking if she could take her shopping for presents. I replied saying we busy (which we were) and she didn't reply. It just annoys me that she drops by twice a year and spends a couple of hundred pounds (not an exaggeration) then buggers off.

Anyway, I'm moving in with my partner next week and was wondering whether I should even bother telling her. Or just wait until she decides to message at Xmas. I do feel a bit bad because she's lovely. But if she's not going to bother with her first grandchild then why should I?

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 22/08/2023 17:42

I would. Not because she deserves it or anything like that, but simply so in years to come you can tell your child, if she asks, that you always kept the door open. So that any bullshit “your mum kept us away” given to her by her grandmother, or potentially her father, is easily disproven.

Redwinestillfine · 22/08/2023 17:43

Do you want your ex to know where you are moving to. That would be my starting point.

Original poster
TeamSpike · 22/08/2023 17:52

Redwinestillfine · 22/08/2023 17:43

Do you want your ex to know where you are moving to. That would be my starting point.

Not particularly but he hasn't tried to have contact with Dd since I left so I'm not too worried if she were to tell him. I have no idea what sort of relationship they have at the moment. I don't know if they even talk

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 22/08/2023 18:01

I wouldn’t tell her. When she messages next you can decide what to do. But children benefit from consistency. And being second best grandchildren and never making the effort to remember them on their birthdays will start to send your children a message as they get older.

LookItsMeAgain · 22/08/2023 18:26

I wouldn't.

If and only if she reaches out to you by text, I might reconsider but there's no onus on you to tell her where you live. You could still arrange for her to meet up in neutral locations.

Tinkerbyebye · 22/08/2023 19:29

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 22/08/2023 17:42

I would. Not because she deserves it or anything like that, but simply so in years to come you can tell your child, if she asks, that you always kept the door open. So that any bullshit “your mum kept us away” given to her by her grandmother, or potentially her father, is easily disproven.

This

SM4713 · 22/08/2023 19:36

One option could be to say you are moving to X county/X village etc, but give no address details etc. IF she enquires or asks for details, you can then give them if wanted. IF she doesn't enquire- you have your answer there.

ThisIsMineThatIsMine · 22/08/2023 19:40

SM4713 · 22/08/2023 19:36

One option could be to say you are moving to X county/X village etc, but give no address details etc. IF she enquires or asks for details, you can then give them if wanted. IF she doesn't enquire- you have your answer there.

What I was going to say

Original poster
TeamSpike · 22/08/2023 19:42

SM4713 · 22/08/2023 19:36

One option could be to say you are moving to X county/X village etc, but give no address details etc. IF she enquires or asks for details, you can then give them if wanted. IF she doesn't enquire- you have your answer there.

That's a good thought tbf

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 23/08/2023 11:44

Why would an EX-MiL actually need your full address anyway? The only reason I can think of is to be able to locate exactly where you are moving to for visits, not even for gifts to be posted or whatever. You could set up a PO box for any mail to be forwarded to from your old address and you can pick up any mail/packages/whatever from there.

She really doesn't need to know your full address when you move, and I think you know that anyway.

mindutopia · 23/08/2023 12:24

I would send a card or a text (if you still message her) and just let her know once you've moved and your new address and wish her well.

My dad was pretty rubbish (not as rubbish as your ex though, by the sounds of it!), but my mum did make an effort to keep in vague touch with my dad's side of the family on my behalf. Updating them on our address and how I was on occasion.

Looking back now, as an adult, I appreciate that she did. I'm not close to them. Haven't spoken to anyone in 20+ years, except get a letter or card from an aunt every 5 years or so. They aren't terrible people but they aren't particularly interested in me and I'm not particularly interested in them. But it's helpful to know that as an adult, because I might have more questions, might be more interested in pursuing a relationship or digging up the past, if they had been more of a 'secret' so to speak. I knew they were there, but we weren't close and that was fine.

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