Furious with my sister

[roses321]

I've posted a few times about leaving my abusive relationship and I have one thing left to do which is collect some items from the house which will require removal people as there is quite a bit.

I need to go with someone to the house and my parents are both elderly so I don't want to drag them along into it. My sister has helped me with quite a lot of stuff but since she's got a boyfriend recently it seems that I'm no longer part of the list of people she needs to care about.

We both live in the same house share, for me it's a stop gap until I can get the house sold and I'm making the best of life despite the fact it's not ideal.

I've asked my sister numerous times if she will please come with me to collect my things and when is she free, she has said she will then never got back to me. I've asked her probably 4 or 5 times now and this morning I asked her via text and was told "i'm free tomorrow". Well I can't get the day off and organise removal people in less than a day so I told her I need more notice than that. She then said "next week" and so I assumed she meant same time next week and tried to confirm and got "i'm working" as a response.

On top of this, I've been organising a social event for the ladies group I run, she said she wants to come but hasn't paid the £10 deposit but told me she's invited all her friends yesterday. None of them have paid and she's done nothing to help organise it.

Additionally on Friday she asked if I wanted to go out Saturday night, I said yes that's fine, got a text from her that afternoon to say that she'll be home later and then 2 hours after that when I had started to get ready "I am not coming home, staying at bfs, too hungover".

I don't really care about the drinks or the deposit issue but I feel like it just speaks to how little respect she actually has for me. She has been there for me a lot, and whenever I call her out on her behaviour she uses that as a defence. I don't mind if she simply tells me "I can't help I'm too busy" but when she says she'll help me with what is basically dismantling my entire life because she's too busy getting drunk with her friends and boyfriend it makes me angry.

She has insulted me when I've called her out on it and to be honest I am just inclined right now to never forgive her for this, because if the boot was on the other foot she would expect me to be there. It's the fact I've asked and she's just strung me along for weeks on end. I'm going to find someone else now but her attitude stinks and so does her lack of accountability. I'm extremely upset about it.

Although I understand your frustration, as she should be clearer to you if she doesn’t or does want to do something, you do sound quite full on.
I completely sympathise that you’ve had a very difficult time recently but you said yourself your sister was there for you a lot so I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to step back a bit and focus on herself.

You’re going through a lot right now so it’s understandable to be upset. A lot of people get lost and consumed with a new relationship. It’s good you’ve spoken to her but maybe right Now she isn’t the most reliable.

Do you have anyone else to help you move? A friend? If not then ask if she and her boyfriend are free on, then give certain dates, to collect your stuff. She may be more flexible if her boyfriend can assist.

The ladies thing, just text her and say she’s more than welcome to come, with friends but the deposit needs paid by such and such a date to finalise things and you cannot afford to cover it .

Do you think you may have exhausted her generosity or her capacity to help you in this situation?

It sounds like she finds it hard to say No to you - and now it's all got a bit much for her. I do understand this is a critically difficult time for you, and that could be making it feel very stressful to her as well.

It doesn't sound as though she's trying to hurt you: more like she doesn't want to let you down but is overwhelmed. I like @Hiddenvoice's suggestions re moving and the night out.

The best thing to do is to go to local police station and ask a time they can help you to be there when you collect your things. Safer and I did this over 20 years ago so am sure they still do this.
Secondly she has been a big support so do not fall out with her over this as try to remember what it is like when you have a new relationship as they are in the loved up phase and probably does not mean to be selfish.
Also take this time to relax yourself once you have your things and look after yourself and do something for yourself that you always enjoyed but haven't done in a while.
If she has helped in the past and been a good sister try to see things from her side also and I have learned in life that the only person you can really rely on is yourself. Please take time out and read up on red flags etc and learn to be strong in yourself and be kind to yourself.
You have been through a difficult time and it takes a long time to just relax and breathe and to enjoy life again.

@roses321
Why not see if you can hire an off duty security officer? Maybe you have exhausted your sister,'s capacity for service in this particular effort. You admit that she has been quite helpful in this process. Do you not have any other friends or family to whom you can reach out?

If you think that your ex poses a threat, you may be putting your sister in a precarious position. If it is only the presence of another person that is the deterrent, then the presence of the professional movers should provide what you need. You might also see if the local law enforcement might speak to him regarding the need to remove your items without threat or hindering.

I think your sister has compassion fatigue and just wants to enjoy her new relationship.

You are having it tough.
Don't write your sister off. She has her own busy life.

Next time you see your sister with her bf ask both of them if they can both accompany you and to offer up suitable days.
Set the time in stone, say you'll expect them both and be thankful.
You might have more success if they support each other to keep the date.
Alternatively book "Man with a Van". to help you.

Message your sister with bank details and a clear message that she and her friends won't be able to attend the event unless paid up by XXo'clock. No payment means they have no ticket.
If they can't come then don't feel bad

Don't ask the new boyfriend to go to, that's insane advice.

She doesn't want to do it. Stop asking her, you're making it awkward.

She doesn't want to do it but probably doesn't want to say no either which is annoying but stop asking her.

I have stopped asking her and I won't ask her again. I understand what everyone is saying but what I have neglected to say is that my sister is REGULARLY contacting me about her love life, coming and asking my advice on things, every time she has a problem I'm the one she comes to - ie: Her phone broke the other day and I just gave her my old one. For her birthday I have made a big deal when nobody else has and I have also driven miles to pick her up when she was in a bad situation on several occasions.

To be honest I feel like she is a spoiled younger sister who is constantly expecting everyone to be there for her and yet you have to apologise profusely for anything she does for you, so I've actually just decided enough is enough and I'm not going to ask for anything or give anything going forward.

I'm only good for her when she's in a rut, and I suppose I'm just disappointed that families can be users as well as people you're not related to.

What age is she? 16?

But tbh if d someone fobbed me off that many times I’d assume they didn’t actually want to do it.

I probably should have done that to be honest. She's 35.

I get what everyone is saying about continuing to ask her, I'm not asking her every day, it'll be like a week apart or two weeks apart and she will say "oh sure yes i'll check my shifts" then i'll hear nothing, then i'll get a text from her saying "omg i just saw my bf text a girl, what do I do??" while she's out having a nice time with him and I'm sat in my room on my own having just had my engagement end, owning a house I can't go into and getting abusive messages off my ex which I try to ignore.

I just find it insensitive and upsetting. She knows how hard this has been and I'm not asking her to own that, but I also don't gaf frankly about her petty issues with her boyfriend right now. It works both ways.

I've listened to her over the past few years going on and on and on about how she'll never have kids, never get married, never meet anyone and crying and she was angry and upset when I got engaged and it sent her into a tailspin even though she did act like she was happy for me. She's 3 years younger than me, I don't have kids either and everything seems to be about her.

I just needed her support for this one thing, i'm not constantly tugging her shirt tails for help, I am getting on with my own life the way I should be and making my own friends. It was ONE thing I needed help with and she couldn't be there for me for that. I just think it's selfish. If I was constantly asking her for stuff I wouldn't mind, but it's actually the other way around.

She'll say "oh we should do x" then never follow up. If we go away, I drive and book it. I'm just tired of it all.

@roses321
By your own admission she has " helped you with a lot of stuff ". Maybe ,she had just reached her capacity for helping st the moment. That is permitted.

It sounds ad though you have both been there for each other. but at the moment she has nothing else to give.

Why not try having law enforcement reach out to him and appraise him of when you will be coming with your movers. Surely that would be more effective than simply having another woman present.

It's not that he's dangerous so to speak, it's more just for the sake of having a witness and someone else there, I'm not going into it as I've already driven mumsnet mad with it all to be honest.

It does sound like she has nothing to give but I read that personally as her not being arsed because she's alright jack, and yes you're right, it is allowed but it's also allowed that I don't have to constantly deal with her love life questions when I'm going through the worst time of my life and getting blow by blow details of her love life, where she went, what sex she had and how loving and caring he is but how she's worried he'll lose interest. It's insensitive and shitty in my opinion.

To be honest I'm very angry about it, whilst I fully agree with everyone on here I just also think that if you don't want to do something just be honest, don't mislead people and say you will help then not bother.

I'm not going to express myself any further to her on the situation, I've said my bit, I think that I'll just allow the anger to dissipate because ultimately it's related to my own feelings which I need to handle on my own to be honest.

@roses321
In many instances partners come and go ,but for most sisters are there long after partners are gone and replaced.

Is it a lot of stuff could you hire a man with a small van?

Hi OP, from what you said, your DSis reminds me a lot like mine.

I love my DSis to bits and we have a great relationship but she’s can be very emotionally demanding (and dramatic and selfish).

There was a time when we’d speak multiple times on the phone for hours over some drama or another. A few incidents happened recently where I realised that she’s only there for me if it’s convenient for her, but I dropped everything if she needed me.

After that I pulled right back, prioritised myself and only gave her the time I wanted. I think she’s felt the shift but we still get on very well. I have a lot more time to do what I need to get done.

Just take her as a flaky person and prioritise yourself.

This sounds EXACTLY the same. Honestly, most of the time because she's my sister I just don't really care, I just let her get on with it and don't sweat it even if it irks me because she's my sister...and there's just a free pass with sisters to an extent.

But with THIS particular issue and what I've gone through, I've hit a bit of a point where i'm thinking... I can't believe you've actually let me down on of all things... this.

My plan is to just pull back, stop offering, stop prioritising her, stop asking if she wants to come here, do this, go there, have this or fix her problems for her or give her my old phones (which are not old at all they're almost brand new) or drive her around, respond to her texts or deal with her tantrums when something minor happens that she can't handle - or listen to her speak down to me - the most recent example "My boyfriend is coming over tonight DON'T say anything that will make me look stupid". To be honest why she thinks I care enough to say anything at all is beyond me?

I've shut off from her to some degree after all this, and I think that whilst I'll always be there for her in an emergency situation, the days of the gravy train are gone after this incident.

I think she's the one who needs that advice, not me.

Yes I will be, I just wanted her support really. It's not about the logistics, it's about having someone i'm close to next to me while I'm packing up my life after being forced to leave my home.