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Relationships

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Original poster

Going Away With The Ex & Kids - Healthy Or Relationship Killer

10 replies

IsItSmart · 22/08/2023 13:47

I would love to get some advice on my current situation and if I am indeed being unreasonable as suggested by someone I’m very close with.

To keep it short, I was in a long term relationship with 2 young kids, we have been separated for 2 years and are just now getting on better without everyone wanting to kill each other.

Towards the end of the relationship, I became very friendly with a girl at work and we ended up having an on/off relationship over the last couple of years. She has a lot of personal & family issues along with keeping some company which I feel is detrimental to her wellbeing as her best friend is work adverse and partial to smoking weed throughout the day. As my on/off partner previously had addiction issues it concerns me what the potential outcome could be.

Even though me and my ex are separated I feel its very important my children are not affected. This includes taking them out for days away, going to classes and occasionally the odd couple of days away to a theme park.

My on/off partner who recently I have spent very little time with has a huge issue with me going away for days and is convinced I’m with my ex and having a great time, a few weeks ago we did go to a 48 hour theme park break as it was 6 hours from our town. The kids slept in the bed with their mum and I slept in the spare bed. She barely even likes me and we both do it for the kids to have a good time.

Thats the first time I have not been fully honest with the on/off partner as she thinks ex-partners should almost be cut off. She does not get the fact that kids are involved and its sensible and mature for people to get on and provide for their kids to cause the least drama.

The on/off partner is now pushing that I agree never to go anywhere again that involves an overnight stay even in diff rooms, she's also not happy if the days out run into the evening and it should really just be me and the kids even if they are adamant that they want their mum around.

I have nothing but a very limited friendship with my ex, she also understands that it's important the kids have as normal up brining as possible and neither of us want anxiety for them which was happening when we were arguing a lot.

I just don’t know how the on/off partner expects my kids to grow up and not experience stuff as i’m not allowed to be around my ex.

I have no intention of even considering getting back together with the ex, should the on/off partner not realise that grown ups need to grown up things for everyone to be ok..

OP posts:

baileys6904 · 22/08/2023 13:55

This woman is going to get in the way of your relationship with your children. It doesn't matter what she things, if u and ur ex wife have decided to Co parent closely, then that's up to you both, not the new gf who you're already picking faults with anyway.

Don't fuck up important relationships with your children and ex for a temporary bonk

spiffycliffy · 22/08/2023 13:55

Honestly, I wouldn't be with someone who constantly spends nights away with their ex.

Co-parenting and attending events together sure, that's good for the kids to see but your situation sounds way more enmeshed than that. You're not a nuclear family anymore and if you want to have a new relationship with someone else, you'll probably need to compromise a bit more.

That said, if you're happy with the way you are with ex and the kids, perhaps you shouldn't be in a new relationship where you have to consider someone else's feelings.

mindutopia · 22/08/2023 14:53

Your on/off partner sounds on/off for a whole baggage carousel full of reasons. A lot of red flags waving there. It sounds like a relationship that definitely needs to be killed off.

As for going away with your ex, only you know what the atmosphere is like when you are all together, but dad used to join us for holidays and days away sometimes as a child and it was only a positive for me. Honestly, he wasn't super great as a parent (I'll assume you're a much better dad than he was), so he wouldn't have coped with us doing the same sort of thing without my mum in tow. It was basically come away with us or not see him at all. But it was really beneficial for me and I'm grateful that my mum facilitated that time with him because it made a really difference to me.

Btw, his long-term partner was nothing but supportive of these trips. My dad has actually been dead for 20+ years and they weren't even together when he passed, but I keep in touch with her to this day. I'd bin this one, she doesn't sound like she's a winner.

GreyCarpet · 22/08/2023 15:09

Well, I wouldn't like it. Not because I would think you'd get back together but because it wouldn't be the relationship I wanted for myself. I wouldn't have dated someone with young children either for the same reason.

But I'd end the relationship. I wouldn't expect you to change.

GreyCarpet · 22/08/2023 15:10

spiffycliffy · 22/08/2023 13:55

Honestly, I wouldn't be with someone who constantly spends nights away with their ex.

That said, if you're happy with the way you are with ex and the kids, perhaps you shouldn't be in a new relationship where you have to consider someone else's feelings.

This really.

Titicacacandle · 22/08/2023 15:17

spiffycliffy · 22/08/2023 13:55

Honestly, I wouldn't be with someone who constantly spends nights away with their ex.

That said, if you're happy with the way you are with ex and the kids, perhaps you shouldn't be in a new relationship where you have to consider someone else's feelings.

Yes it's this for me. I have a decent enough co parenting relationship where we all go out for birthday and other celebration meals/have the odd cuppa but it's nowhere the levels of enmeshment you have. I wouldn't be with you as your set up is not for me. It's also not about the dc when you're that close, it's not great for the kids to think you're one unit when you're actually two.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 22/08/2023 15:17

Do not sacrifice your relationship with your children for this Jenny-come-lately.

LifeExperience · 22/08/2023 15:22

Call me old-fashioned, but exes should maintain a cordial, respectful relationship for the children, but nothing more. Playing happy families on holiday is unnecessary and I don't blame your new woman for questioning it.

AnotherCountryMummy · 22/08/2023 15:24

I personally wouldn't be comfortable with my partner doing this. I also think it might be confusing for the children - are their parents together or not?

But horses for courses and if it works for your family and you want to keep doing it, then do it.

The fact that you and your partner are "on/off" doesn't sound like the relationship will stand the test of time anyway, so probably best not to let her destroy your relationship with your ex and kids, which is the one for keeps.

Dolores87 · 22/08/2023 18:04

I would ditch the off on partner. Its off / on anyway. I think the relationship with your ex sounds great due to the kids and if your new partner had your children's interests in mind she would want to be involved. Like meet your ex. Maybe she could come along too?

I do think though though that it would be fair of her to think you would be in separate hotel rooms if you stay in the same place together though.

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