Can you successfully save a marriage that is on the verge of divorce?

[mamatothreebunnies]

I’d love to hear real life experiences of people who managed to save their very troubled marriage, despite deep rooted issues (no infidelity). How did you do it? How long did it take to be back to “normal”.

3 kids in, 20 years relationship, married 13. High school love. Just feels like we’ve grown up to be very different people with different values and life goals.

I'm following this if you don't mind as I'm in a very similar position. Our issue is extremely serious: something H has done time and time again and I've actually had a full mental breakdown this time. He's stopped and is desperate to save the marriage. I feel hopeless and think i should leave but am heartbroken at the thought. I would be extremely interested in any responses to your post.

You probably can but I personally wouldn't. If it's something your DH has done (eg cheating) they will NOT change. They may stop for a while but the chances are high that it'll happen again. In the meantime your self worth will erode and you'll be constantly on edge.
You're worth more than that!

If you've just grown apart, again - it happens, abs you both deserve to be happy and with someone who fulfils you now (and not 20 years ago).

If you have “very different values and life goals” I wouldn’t bother tbh. I feel having the same values is the most important thing in a relationship. I couldn’t be with someone with different values to me.
Having said that dh and I have very different likes/dislikes including food, hobbies, style etc but we agree very much on values on how to parent, politics, ethics etc.

Watching with interest. My marriage has been in crisis for almost a year now. Divorce is on the table. My DH has serious issues that he needs to address. It’s not a case of couples counselling. But, his issues have become mine & my son’s. And I can’t cope, unless it changes. Very soon!

I have no advice as haven’t successfully managed this. My first husband was someone I met very young and we did grow apart leading to him cheating and abandoning me with our 8 month old baby.

However, if he hadn’t cheated and done that and the only issues had been related to growing apart and other general differences (sex drive etc) then I would say it is something you can work through. But it would need effort and commitment to do so from both sides.

Often we think the grass is greener but it just isn’t. If you feel like you’ve missed out on other relationships etc then honestly you aren’t missing much and you might end up with someone far worse.

If there are lots of generally good qualities in your relationship, i.e trust, honesty, respect etc and you are predominantly stable and happy then I would say give saving it a go.

I suppose it depends on what the “deep seated issues” are. Something you can live with, or something you can’t. It takes a while to work out which. Most people stay in a marriage until
there is no choice but to leave. I guess you just know when you’ve got to that point🤷‍♀️

It’s definitely not about feeling like I’ve missed out on other relationship or that the grass is greener. In fact if I divorced I’d promise myself to never be in a relationship again. There’s truly more to life than dedicating your life to someone else.

in my heart I don’t think our issues will be fixed. I don’t feel respected or valued, he is quite self centered and selfish, he has sudden outbursts that I no longer can deal with. It’s embarrassing and humiliating.

I’ve only put up with it for so long because of my kids but now I fear I’m setting a bad example to my children that being disrespected is ok. At the same time, dh and his issues are rooted from his broken home and childhood so I don’t want to repeat history and make my children victims of that. I know not all divorces ruin children but how I do I take that risk.

im a miserable mess. The worst version of myself. Every time I work hard to get myself out of depression and anxiety he fs up and I drop right back in.

he has some good qualities as a human, he’s generous and forgiving and very hard working. However as a father and husband he has little emotional intelligence, lacks empathy and respect.

i just keep thinking forever is a long time to feel like this. But keep thinking if I should put up with it and forget my feelings to keep our family together for my kids.

My marriage could have been saved because he asked to come back after he walked out, we'd been married for 20 years, but I said no. I just couldn't do another year of dealing with his selfish self obsessed behaviour and endless hobbies.
Personally I think you should just rip off the plaster and get a divorce. It never gets better if only one person is putting the effort in.

As I always say on threads like this, it will be effecting your children. You can say a million times that it doesn't happen in front of them, he's a great dad etc...but children KNOW when their father doesn't love/respect their mother. Boys learn that men can behave badly towards women and get away with it, and girls learn that they come second to men. So yes, you are setting your children a bad example. Also living with a miserable parents is horrible, with the best will in the world, as a child you can't help but think/feel you may be responsible for the misery.

Save yourself and your children and get out now. Life is short.

No. Any relationship (friends, co workers, family) needs respect and empathy. This sounds like it is long gone from your marriage so I am not sure why you would want to continue like this. He does not have your back here. Life is too short to be miserable- time to let it go and move on.

I am sure your kids would prefer a happy divorced mother than a miserable married one.

In your case @mamatothreebunnies your H should be going to seek help with counselling in-order to stop the behaviour which is affecting you and your Dc. If he doesn’t do that, you should leave.
Your mental health is extremely important not only to yourself but to your kids, they’re nothing wrong in putting yourself first so you can lead a happy life.

I don't think you can train someone not to be selfish...

It depends.

If you asked for a divorce, it may be the kick up the arse he needs for him to address his behaviour. That would need huge amounts of dedication and commitment from him in terms of therapy etc. But it could be done - if it's what you both want.

My DH did have an affair and asked for a divorce, but he realised pretty quickly that it wasn't what he wanted and that he'd massively fucked up. I allowed him to stay under certain conditions. He's now a very different person to the angry, narrow minded, ranty man he had become. Through therapy and reading he's started to address underlying issues that have plagued him for years. He's becoming the man I fell love with and the husband I always thought he could be.

So even infidelity doesn't need to be a deal breaker. The deal breaker for me would be my husband's lack of willingness to address any underlying issues leading to unacceptable behaviour. The difference is that we do still share the same values and life goals. If we didn't, there wouldn't be any point in the rest of it because we'd be fundamentally incompatible.

Very similar situation. I'm hoping when the kids are older and there aren't as many stressors/tiredness that we will find each other again but frustrated that I want to do things now and he would rather sit on the sofa.. I want to spend money on experience, he would rather spend on material. I saw something saying that if out of a 30 year marriage, you have 20 good years and 10 bad ones then it's worth the compromise in the 10 to make the 20 but I don't know how true that is or not. I live in hope but it's hard and I can relate. How old are your kids?

Very similar issues here, as well. It’s hard. I can’t “save” him (huge abandonment issues from a bad childhood) but I have to save my child…

I think long relationships are hard, the baby years are hard, having a child (and especially having more than one child!) is very hard.

It's hard on individuals and it's hard on relationships.

The key thing for me is when your kids are grown, can you look them in the eyes and say: I tried everything to keep our family together?

For me that looked like asking DH to do couple's counselling, which he said yes to. Him giving it a real go and then having solo counselling on advice from the couple's therapist. Him giving that a real go too, and making real changes.

DH really listening (and me having to listen to, to the things that I did in anger and frustration that made things worse not better). Us both feeling valued again, and seen again. Things feeling better between us again, the jokes coming back, the intimacy.

If your DH says no, ignores you, belittles you, won't try - then it might be time to walk away.

But for me, when I really tried doing everything I could to save my marriage, it helped massively.

I have no crystal ball so no way to know if in 10 or 20 years we'll still be good or will have split.

But I think there are a lot of people on MN who are very quick to push all blame to their OH, decide they are the butter-wouldn't-melt innocent victim, and smash their families to pieces.

I wish you all the best whatever you decide to do

I have a personal boundary that I never allow to be crossed. And that is if a person makes me feel actively suicidal with their behaviour then they are not worth shit and I refuse to have them in my life. That includes my parents and both my ex husbands. When that happens I never want to see them again.

I'm in the same boat, OP. Sometimes it takes a long time for a partner's selfishness to come into focus, and for you to understand that is who they are. Plus years of carrying the mental load can really wear you down.

Have you told him you're thinking of ending the relationship?

I also agree with the previous poster - your DH is modelling some terrible relationship behaviour to your kids. You walking out might teach them another, much more valuable lesson - you don't have to put up it.

I said this:

If there's no abuse and both are willing to put in the work, anything's possible.

Then I saw this:

I don’t feel respected or valued, he is quite self centered and selfish, he has sudden outbursts that I no longer can deal with. It’s embarrassing and humiliating.

Then I saw this:

At the same time, dh and his issues are rooted from his broken home and childhood

And this:

The worst version of myself. Every time I work hard to get myself out of depression and anxiety he fs up and I drop right back in.

First it looks like there is some abuse; sudden outbursts are not acceptable. You're probably walking on eggshells.

Second it looks like you're trying to resolve the marriage alone. He's selfish, self absorbed and doesn't value you.

Third it looks like you've made the mistake of analysing him and therefore excusing his behaviour. It doesn't matter why someone behaves as they do. What matters is the result and the consequences of his behaviour are outbursts and emotional abuse.

You are not responsible for fixing someone or therapising someone or soothing them. That's their responsibility. He's a grown man and he has to own his behaviour and do something about it.

Your relationship sounds toxic which probably explains your depression.

Can your relationship be fixed? Sure. If your husband gets years of therapy, starts to view you as a human being of worth, gets some anger management and puts 100% into working on your relationship, I'm sure it can.

I obviously don't know what he's done but he's done it repeatedly and caused you to have a breakdown.... please DO leave him. X