Living a lie due to parents

[Starryeyes842]

Hi everyone. I'm 34. Partners 49. We've been together for 3 years with a 6 month break. We originally got together when it was a right person but wrong time situation. He was rebuilding his life after a past relationship had ended 2 years before. He got very depressed and ended up drinking too much. He had stopped drinking when he Met me but was only 4 months "sober" he's never touched it since. He's remained sober but that first year his emotions were allover and whilst we bonded and got eachother he was processing alot still. I was also a year single after splitting from my children's dad.

We ended up getting to a point where i guess it just wasn't going to work until he had made peace with the past. So we broke up. It was sad because we really enjoyed the time we did share. It felt odd after a couple of years of him being there and I missed him. We didn't speak at all for 6 months and he didn't reply about some things of his I still had. A couple of people said he wouldn't talk about me at all and shut the conversation down. My family didn't Like him because I was quite upset that he cut me fully off. He also was awaiting some work coming in and didn't return a £350 I'd lent him.

Christmas eve last year I woke up a 1am and I had an email from him. He told me what a lovely person I was and that he did think alot of me. We messaged for a a week and met up new years day. He returned my money. We got on great and it's now 9 months on. We are still together. He's moved forward in many ways. He's fully moved on from his ex and no longer talks about her unless once in a blue moon it's part of a story and harmless. He's got me a key cut to his flat. We spend approx 3 nights a week together and half the weekend. But I haven't told my family. I know they won't ever like him or understand why I've gone back. But they don't know him and I know they won't be happy for me. I hate living life this way. Even going to a shop with him makes me panic incase I'm caught. I am a grown woman yet I don't know how to handle this.

What should I do?

You welcomed into your and your child's life a man who was sober only 4 months? Are you mad? Why would you willingly choose an alcoholic in very new sobriety when you have a kid? Are you that desperate?

You are not his rehab or his saviour. Stay single and focus on bringing up your kid(s) because you've not been a good judge of character with men and all this emotional rollercoaster is messing your kids wellbeing up.

The children were and are always with their dad when I see him! So no they were not around a newly sober person at all.

I've not been a judge of character with men? How have you come to that conclusion please?

Well you are a grown woman. If you're sure he's right for you, just inform your family. If they moan, say you understand their concerns but you've worked through them and made your decision and that's that. You can't make them like him obviously, and may never be able to easily socialise altogether, but that's your decision too.
Make your own choices and own them.

Dear gods some people live such perfect lives I don't know how they manage to cope with how most normal people live. Ignore them OP. Your family sounds lovely and caring you are very lucky to have them . Try explaining to the one of them who you feel might listen more exactly how you've described here and hopefully they'll see things have settled. Many people are in recovery my wonderful intelligent cousins both are and it doesn't make them bad people. Quite the opposite.

Thank you @Proudmum17 he's not a horrible person he was just in a very dark place and men don't always feel the can talk and he just got into a mess. He works hard. He's kind and funny. Yes he will always have down days and times when he needs pulling up abit as he can feel worthless at times. Imagine if we gave up on everyone who struggled.

I definitely wouldn't be with a drunk violent man. To be honest when we met I was completely nieve about an alcoholics recovery. I've now learned its massively emotional. But I've also never seen him drunk. So I didn't know him at that point.

Glad your cousins are doing OK x

You do realise he will be an alcoholic in recovery for the rest of his days; you in turn are not his rehab centre and nor should you be acting as such to him. Am certain he's a lovely bloke etc (and the attendant excuses for him in your post) but they all are - until they are not. Your family will likely think you as a sucker for punishment for being back with him at all but as another person says this is your choice and one you need to fully own so tell them.

What happened to you Starry; how is it you've got to this point with this man in the first place?. Read about codependency and see how much this relates to your own behaviour re him. How are you going to explain that he is in your life to your DC?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

If you want your family to like and respect him then it sounds as though he (not you) has to put an awful lot of groundwork into showing them that he’s worthy of their liking and respect. That means you being open with them about being in a relationship, giving them the opportunity to actually get to know him - and him stepping up to demonstrate that he isn’t still some alcoholic loser with “emotions all over” who’s going to drag you down and be a risk to their grandchildren; because ultimately that’s what they’re worried about. As a parent, I’d be worried too if my adult child, only a short year out of their relationship with their children’s father, picked up with the sort of man you described him as being when you first met.

Just tell them. "Oh, by the way I'm seeing Wotsit again. He's really pulled himself out of his dark place. It's what I want. It's going well " Big smile
They care about you, don't want to see you hurt or wasting your life with a no-hoper. Maybe they don't trust your judgement. It's up to the pair of you to show them that they're mistaken. But ultimately, it's your life and they need to let you live it. For goodness sake tell them, if you're confident that you want to be with this man. Then you can stop looking over your shoulder.

Op, do you not think you are just possibly worth more than a man you have to ( by your own admission, drag up by his Lapels some days? Surley you want better from life than a very wobbly and unreliable newly sober man that's treated you terribly in the past??

Thank you x He sounds lovely. You sound happy x Everything else flows from there x

Not here for the moralising on the relationship, but honestly OP just tell your folks. It's a hard pill to swallow but I really think you should just do it. I've got experience from the 'family' side.

My sister's husband assaulted her. He was a twat of almighty proportions and had alcohol issues. They have 2 young kids together, she's got 2 older ones of her own. After the assault (which her teenage son had to call the police for) she split up- thank god. I worked for him and got fired overnight. (I would have put in my notice anyway because of what was going down but he got there first). So I do harbour an extra grudge against that. I'd literally just bought a car the week before. It was not good timing!

In the fall out, I went round twice a week to babysit the kids so she could go out with her friends in the evenings - there's 4, it's quite a chaotic household anyway, so it's not easy!! One year on, suddenly they're back together. Turns out half her 'friends nights' were date nights with the husband.

I'm still pretty livid about it (we're one year on again now), I think he's a total waste of space and violence is a 100% red line, no question. But - she says he's sobered up, she loves him, blah blah. Not much I can do. He's not welcome in my home, but I still see her all the kids etc. separately. My parents have welcomed him back as if nothing has happened. I can't really believe it, but they just want an easy life. Anyway - point is - it was a bit of a shock but ultimately the choice to me was have nothing to do with her, or accept it. There's no way with close family I'm going to do anything other than accept it. I don't have to accept him though, but I'll not make a fuss if we're stuck together (like, my brother gets married next month - we'll all be there).

So - please do just tell your family, it'll be alright and you will be better for not having any guilt around the lie.

Oh my god sorry I can blabber on somewhat!!

When people narrate their stories in OPs they tend to present facts in biased ways. Her family know far more about the situation and this man than she could explain to us on here. Anything she says is coloured by her own perception of him, naturally, and is controlled but what she wants to share and how. So the family is arguably more objective and if they are against you getting back with him it must be for good reasons.

You break up with the children's father so that's one failed significant relationship but then you choose a man only 4 months sober. All this energy and emotions channelled to rescuing this older man would be better channelled towards your own children and self. He's much older, unstable, not the father's children. He ghosted you, didn't pay you back, left you heartbroken. He must have a very good dick or really nice looking to keep taking him back. He's nearly 50 and still a mess. You're a mother, you can't take on broken men. All the time you were upset over the breakup it affected how you looked after your children and they felt it.

This is why I think women should do everything possible to stay with bio dad and to choose well before they get pregnant. Otherwise the children will have a stream of new weirdos playing stepdad and watch their mother go through a rollercoaster of emotions. It was very irresponsible to expose your children to a man like him from the offset. Not good.

Why would they not like him?

Unless you were the one saying horrible things about him to them.

Just be honest and say you’ve been speaking for a few months and have started meeting up and taking things slowly and it seems to be going really well.

This is why I think women should do everything possible to stay with bio dad and to choose well before they get pregnant.

Thanks for the tip, that's really helpful for the OP in her current situation. I was about to just chance it with a bloke from the pub I got drunk with once, but now I'll reconsider.

the very recent addict, who until recently talked about his ex all the time, only gave you your money back when he wanted to get back together? Even though you were a single mum with a young child to care for.
really I see their point, he’s not a catch.

regardless, you’re in your 30s
their opinion is irrelevant
tell them you’ve been talking, you’re happy with whatever he’s told you, and they need to respect your decision.

Op, all I can say is give it more time. Carry on as you are for a long time and see how he is. There are people who do manage to give up alcohol for good but they are fragile, stress can send them back to it or any habit or addiction. Therefore it is good to be cautious.

Let's face it, there is no rush to make your relationship official and when young children are involved, you have to be very careful indeed.

Just enjoy it for what it is now. From what you say, he is a nice person and you obviously care for each other. However, it isn't just him and yourself that have to be conidered.

Why didn’t he give you your money back until he wanted to get back with you? That’s a red flag to me.

I wonder why the family don’t like him and why their relationship has to be a secret.

Very poor form @TwoShyShy
get off your high horse.
You haven't even read correctly as op stated her kids are with their dad and not involved.
now you've made yourself feel better with your bitchy comments though. Says more about you than the posters you are attacking.